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Want to go home, husband doesn't

(29 Posts)
LisaHelms Fri 27-Oct-17 19:17:58

I currently live in the southern states of the US and it'll be 6 years here shortly. I'm a stay at home mom and I live out in the country, with that being said it can get very lonely when it's just me and my girls (ages 3 and 4). I don't have any friends nor family at all where I am, which makes the situation all the worse.

Just recently I had to get on medication to help with my anxiety and depression. I've contemplated more then once if I should take it, simply because the Lisa 5 1/2 years ago would've never needed it.

Here's some of the reasons why my spouse doesn't want to move.

1.Hes an only child and has responsibilities.

2. He's getting land and three houses after his parents pass away.

3. He says he doesn't want to leave his parents because he doesn't know who would take care of them when they get older.

I'm stuck on this. I don't know whether to feel guilty or not, both perhaps?
I've gotten to the point where I just feel numb. Whenever I get the chance I rather lay in bed. And when my spouse asks me whats wrong I just smile and saying "Nothing, why would you think somethings wrong". And continue to lie to make him believe otherwise, if not and I do tell him what's wrong he makes me feel bad about how I feel. Or gets my hopes on something that more then likely wont happen. It's a vicious cycle that ends on repeat, with ALL matters (not just the moving issue and me being homesick).

Bottom line I feel like If I don't move pretty soon and get a social life not only me but my mental health as well will probably deteriorate or, whats left of it anyways.

HipToBeSquare Fri 27-Oct-17 19:22:55

Where's home?

It does sound very lonely and like you've given it a good shot. When I first moved to the UK I was fine as I thought we were going home. When we bought a house and I felt trapped I really hated it.

Is there a compromise middle area you could move to?

ChilliMary Fri 27-Oct-17 19:29:29

If he asks what's wrong you must tell him, otherwise how can anything potentially change? In his mind he is probably doing what is best for your family, but if he doesn't know how you really feel, that changes everything?

LisaHelms Fri 27-Oct-17 19:49:59

Okay glad someone agrees I given it shot. I've become so broken and hurt being afraid of making other people hurt. I was beginning to feel selfish and over dramatic. And that's exactly how I feel HipToBeSquare!

I have thought about moving to a nearby City, even then he wouldn't like it and h more then likely would be making trips to see his parents. I noticed when we lived further away from them (now living next to them) that his family wanted or asked for help for things more often. Which gets bothersome because I want to specifically want to focus on my girls.

My family and friends are 18 hours away, so me visiting them is not often. And when I do visit them it's rather hard for me, although I don't show it. I'm usually silently screaming and crying inside by them time it's time to part ways.

As far as making a compromise I had mention that to him. Living in between or even in the city he doesn't like. Also that he wants the girls to attend the school he went to and that everywhere else I wanna move doesn't have a good school system. He doesn't mention it anymore but he used to say I want to the girls to grow up in my mom and dads house after they pass away. Which is scary because I don't or can't see myself living here much longer then I want to.

I feel there would be more benefits moving back home. As far as I would have people to watch my girls when I needed them so I can provide for them. Local parks and activities. Parents my age. As any location can do this except (replacing my siblings which used to be a part of my life) it wouldn't satisfy him anyways. Although that's a good idea, either way it wouldn't make him happy.

LisaHelms Fri 27-Oct-17 19:54:54

ChilliMary like I said I rather not tell him because it just creates backlash. Nothing gets solved. And he's left in a bad mood.

LisaHelms Fri 27-Oct-17 20:12:23

I also had asked him if we could move up there and try it for a year. He didn't give me a direct response, he ended up listing reasons and things I need to do to adjust down here.

I love him but I'm beginning to feel like a prisoner. I feel like I don't have any options with him. And that I'm at a dead end. I'm thinking I just need to move up there and hope he follows, or just flat out end our relationship. I don't want to end up broken.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Fri 27-Oct-17 20:14:43

Is there a way you could make things more tolerable where you are? Are there any social groups or ways you could meet people? I'm sure you've already thought of this.

LisaHelms Fri 27-Oct-17 20:24:12

I had been and still am looking into things like that to keep my sanity. The last thing me and the girls went to was a festival. It's little things here and there maybe once or twice a month if I'm lucky (were on a tight budget.

shivermytimbers Fri 27-Oct-17 20:28:24

You sound like you're in an awful situation and seem very depressed and stuck. It's obviously a personal choice but I remember feeling similarly trapped when my kids were small. I decided to take anti depressants and they were exactly what I needed at the time. They gave me the strength and energy to face up to problems I was having and make some real changes. Once I'd done That, I found I didn't need the anti depressants any more.
Good luck - whatever you decide. Sounds a bit shit at the moment flowers

Cricrichan Fri 27-Oct-17 22:33:31

Hi Lisa.

Is there any way you could get a job and therefore start meeting people? Or look at joining playgroups, gyms, sports clubs etc?

Where did you meet your husband and what did you discuss or how did you decide to move to the US? And before having your children did you work out there?

uhoh2016 Sat 28-Oct-17 05:59:01

Another factor in this is if you do move then he's likely to feel as unhappy as you do now. Did you not discuss where you would be bringing up your family before you had children?
It's really hard being a mum to 2 toddlers in any circumstances. Take the medication it will help and doesn't need to be forever. Once your head is a bit clearer if you still feel the same then you need to accept that your lives together can t carry on and move back to your family.

LisaHelms Sat 28-Oct-17 16:12:32

Yes I completely agree with that uhok2016, but I would want to give it a try rather then not knowing or not if he wouldn't like it.

And I already having living arrangements up north if things get ugly here. Job as well. And I have no prob taking the medicine. I didn't feel much emotionally before taking my medication. And now, currently I wouldn't say that I'm better but I don't feel much anyhow. And I don't know if its because yesterday was a bad or because it was my medicine but today I feel numb in different places of my body. I'm applying more pressure on my right bottom as we speak just to know what a body feels like because my other is completely numb. So while emotionally I can barely feel anything I also can't feel parts of my body. No I'm not going in to the doctor either, they can't do anything for me anyway. I'd rather whither away. I don't wanna feel anything anyway the pain is unbearable.

As once I had a free mind for myself, I pictured things A LOT different. Before I moved down here I was informed from my (at the time) finance, his grandma had removed him from (Her will). And you know what he said?

That he was "Fine with it". That he was "OK WITH IT". Do you wanna know why he was taken out of the will? Ok, well let me enlighten you....

Apparently High Class isn't suppose to mix with Low Class. His Grandma had lady's left and right lined up for him from her church!
Well he didn't like that at all. Btw she wasn't the only one driving him past the chicken coop. Mom and dad were driving him crazy as well. Very good with manipulating that's for sure, except for his mom. She's the sweetest I've ever met. She was more worried and quiet. Anyway she ended up changing it because she found out I was moving down to be with him and ignored her threat. Because she didn't get to pick out who she wanted and because she thought, (Here's the BEST part)...


Can you believe that! Well let me tell you something!!! Coming from a family that had SHIT growing up! And this is from experience.
When a person doesn't have anything, two things happen.

1. You become a greedy bitch and want to steal shit
play dirty, marry for money, have sex to get that promotion the girl next door wants, ect! You know what I mean If you haven't been there you've seen someone do it. Yea you know that guy/girl that I'm talking about.

(Sips wine)
or you become this kinda person

2. Kind and content living the way you do, (no matter if your father was a dirty scum bag) and it made living conditions ABSOLUTELY horrible at times. No matter how many times your mother was absent or how bad school was. The times when when you had to beg for money to join a sport to feel young like a child and didn't have to face reality for awhile. Anything and everything that ever makes a person to shrivel up into something less, no matter how hard it was. No matter what you have went through or still going through you choose to stay kind. Humble. And to love anyone no matter how bad your hurting for WHATEVER reason! (sorry to sound like a complete hippy freak lunatic but this me, whatever yall wanna classify me under)

For what it is....

HERE I AM WORLD!! I DON'T CARE IF I'M HURTING, YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU WANT. (I can guarantee I won't hurt any worse) Now back to three...

3. And to love anyone no matter how bad your hurting. AND...

(sips some wine)

To make someone feel like living once again. No matter what hell of havoc you once have possessed. Because you knew how it once was to rott internally and how to smooth it over with a beguiling charm. Your life consist of making others happy and YOU ARE CONTENT LIVING THE WAY YOU DO.

BOY, I sure had everyone of my friends tricked. They thought I had a perfect everything and life. Jokes. ON. THEM.

And lastly....


This mixes both number (1 &3 )

One is when you care absolutely about living the life you never did but have no intents of using foul play. Because you just can't stand cheating and lying. And HURTING PEOPLE because you know EXACTLY, how. it. feels...

LisaHelms Sat 28-Oct-17 16:17:25

I'm not done talking but I had to enter that before I ended up randomly loosing all that I typed and ended up viciously cleaning and silently cursing to myself.

(continues typing)....

expatinscotland Sat 28-Oct-17 16:20:44

Where is home?

RebornSlippy Sat 28-Oct-17 16:34:50

Has to be American @expat.

OP, if you're taking your meds, I strongly suggest you step away from the vino right about now.

LisaHelms Sat 28-Oct-17 16:47:47

So anyhow I learned that growing up I wanted to be (kind, AND compassionate) because I knew that if I lived how I was once treated then I would be bestowing what I had received growing up.

Which bring me back to the whole grandma thing. I would NEVER. EVER.

EVER!!! MARRY into a family for a DAMN house.

(Looks out window and takes deep breath)


I COULD GIVE A SHIT about materialistic things!!! I'll tell you what I do love, it's my family. MY FAMILY. (or whats left of it) After living in a broken family my whole I cherished what I had left of it. And I'm not saying I hold grudges but after being treated like a trash bag when I first moved down here from my husbands family, I kinda just can't shake the feeling of how they treated me. And how his g-ma said "The only reason why I'm letting you live in my mothers house (Which is literally waving distance or a few steps from her house) is because of your children". Well, gosh that was probably the worst way of showing her never ending hate for me.

(Throws the wine bottle out the window, leans out and looks below at the wine bottles. Leans back in, shuts the window. Opens up another bottle of wine)

Just joking. (sigh) I didn't look out down my window nor do I have a pile of wine bottles below it either. That was mind running off thinking of the what could happen to me scenarios. More then likely not going to happen. Referring back up to numbers (1 & 2 Do not fall apart or it will be the death of you)

I did have "ONE GLASS" I will say that. Nothing to fret about.

Back to the whole over all topic. No I did not picture it like this at all. I thought because he wasn't getting anything from the "will" and he was "ok" with it, that me and him could run wild and pursue any kind of dream we wanted. House and living conditions and all. I thought that sense he was "OK" with it he was happen being content with nothing and "FINE" with starting with a blank canvas.

Brb g2g to the ladies room and Ill continue this.....

expatinscotland Sat 28-Oct-17 16:50:32

'Brb g2g to the ladies room and Ill continue this.....'

That's okay, why not just leave this. It makes no sense. And whatever it is you're smoking, it's time to leave that for a while, too.

LisaHelms Sat 28-Oct-17 16:56:24

I'm not smoking anything just upset that is all. Just speaking my mind because I feel like no one gets me. No one understands anything I'm going through. And see that's the thing...

When ever I just try to explain how I feel (which over the computer it's harder to see what exactly the person is going through) I look like a raving idiot. I just wanted to be treated like a being and an individual. You don't have to automatically assume because someone is going on a typing frenzy there doing drugs. Believe I know right from wrong.

That's why I'm trying to reach out to someone. I need verification. I feel like my life isn't mine anymore. I feel like I'm living someone else's life. I did not sign up for this.

LisaHelms Sat 28-Oct-17 16:57:28

I did agree to sign up to loving a person.

LisaHelms Sat 28-Oct-17 16:58:52

Not wanting land and a house. I ain't complaining either. I just wanna work for something I never and didn't have.

Branleuse Sat 28-Oct-17 16:59:36

Are your family also in the states? What would happen if you went back to them?

Branleuse Sat 28-Oct-17 17:01:20

you dont look like an idiot to me. You look like youre incredibly depressed, feeling trapped and have started shutting down.

You do need to channel some strength from somewhere and work out some way of getting out of your situation. That may involve leaving your husband

Gemini69 Sat 28-Oct-17 17:02:45

you VENT girl... flowers

and move to a place not so remote and you feel happier grin

LisaHelms Sat 28-Oct-17 17:07:35

I've already been talking to them. I have a job and a couple living options lined up. Me and them talk .

And what's stopping me? I don't want to break a family simply because I'm missing my own family. And I know from my own experience it wasn't very pleasant myself. Have both parents makes life so much more enjoyable or so I think it doesn't it? I thought so to. While I am happy here to an extent I do miss them terrible. And it would make life in general a little easier. Free health care and people to babysit and pick up my girls "if" I need it while working.

LisaHelms Sat 28-Oct-17 17:19:26

I really just want that perfect family I wanted growing up, and now that I never had it and I have "a family" I want to make something that I never had growing up. Not someone who used to flaunt "This is my land, I can kick you off it whenever I want to, I worked for it" blah blah blah. Like really I would except it perhaps, but really don't need it because that's not what matters to me.

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