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Strange relationship seems to haunt me

(13 Posts)
Katrynn Fri 27-Oct-17 15:23:54

Hi all,

I’m a long time lurker, first time poster and have wanted to sort this issue out for a while now, as I feel it’s really affecting me.

An old relationship, now truly over with, seems to haunt me. It was from when I was 16/17 with an older man. Although I was over the age of consent, and he wasn’t in a position of power in relation to me, I feel like, for want of a better phrase, he groomed me. He was ten years older, started out as everything is ever wanted- kind, affectionate, he complimented me when my self esteem was so low, got me gifts, etc. Around six months went by and it didn’t feel right, so I ended it, but I couldn’t get rid of him. He wanted to be friends, but he wouldn’t leave me alone. He became controlling and stalker-like - sending flowers and cards, calling at crazy times of the night. I was so young I chalked it up to him being upset at me dumping him, and I thought it was all my fault.

15 years later, I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man, and very happy but I still have frequent thoughts about this man. I’m scared of him, I’m scared he might find me. He has sent me LinkedIn requests before and sometimes I get terrified he is trying to find me.

I feel haunted by him, and I don’t know how I can get closure. I feel like he way he treated me was wrong, and I can see the effect he’s had on me since.

I’ve been in counselling before for my low self esteem and had a few years of feeling really good but ever since he sent me the linkedin request I regularly feel scared.

Anyone managed to get closure from this kind of thing? Thanks for reading this far if you’ve gotten to the end.

TheVanguardSix Fri 27-Oct-17 15:32:36

I don't have advice really.

He wasn't violent. He didn't harm you. When was the last time you heard from him/saw him?
I mean, it IS kind of normal to check out what an ex is up to... curiosity and nostalgia get the better of most of us. I have looked up exes on FB to see what became of their lives, to see how they are. I don't contact them but my curiosity has gotten the better of me at certain points in my life.

When did you get the linked in request? I mean, it's not really that threatening. He hasn't sent you a deluge of crazy messages or even one, has he?

What are you scared of exactly? You'll have to elaborate a bit. I mean, it's not cool that he got kind of weird with you post break-up but if he didn't take it further and moved on rather quickly, I'm not sure what you're hung up on. What is it about this man that you find so scary?

demirose87 Fri 27-Oct-17 15:38:34

For all you know he's probably moved on and you might not even cross his mind anymore. Agree with above poster that you would have to elaborate a bit more.

demirose87 Fri 27-Oct-17 15:38:36

For all you know he's probably moved on and you might not even cross his mind anymore. Agree with above poster that you would have to elaborate a bit more.

Be3Al2Si6O18 Fri 27-Oct-17 15:41:24

It didn't feel right because he was grooming you.

Your senses were telling you that but those little voices we start to pick up in our head from puberty were telling you to ignore it.

I suspect some quality counselling would help.

grannysmiff Fri 27-Oct-17 15:41:48

Wtf? How did he treat you wrong?

HotNatured Fri 27-Oct-17 15:44:00

I had a v similar experience, but I ended up in a long term relationship with the guy. I look back and think WTF was I thinking, but I forgave myself a long time ago as I was v young. He got back in touch via FB a few years ago, I just felt a lot of relief that I got out of his clutches, he was extremely jealous and controlling. I used to have awful nightmares that I was still with him and was trapped. I have allowed myself to put all of that behind me and never think about him now and the nightmares have stopped 20 years on.

However, I don't think this guy 'groomed' you. That is what paedophiles do to their, under the age of consent, victims. You may have been very young, but it was legal for this man to have a relationship with you, even if he did take advantage of your innocence and naivety. You say that you had a willing relationship with him in the first instance; I think you have to let this go. It's been 15 years. Block him from LinkedIn and all other social media plus your phone and tell him to stop contacting you, be forthright. You have to mentally stop yourself from obsessing or you will never have closure.

ReanimatedSGB Fri 27-Oct-17 15:46:43

Any unwanted, repeated contact is stalking, even if it involves compliments and gifts. The point is that it's unwanted, and the person sending all the lovely flowers is demonstrating a total lack of respect for the recipient's desire to have no contact.

Was the linked-in request recent, OP? Sometimes (Or so I have heard - I don't use it) Linked in goes through peoples' address books automatically and sends requests, so he may not actually have meant to bother you at all.

HotNatured Fri 27-Oct-17 15:50:13

ReanimatedSGB

Linked in goes through peoples' address books automatically and sends requests

I can confirm as a regular user of LinkedIn this is not true.

Be3Al2Si6O18 Fri 27-Oct-17 15:52:44

Grannysmiff if you read OP's posts it is all there.

Katrynn Fri 27-Oct-17 15:55:11

Thanks for the responses all. I don’t want to drip feed but it was persistent contact - it went on for about 8 years then stopped, which is why I felt like I’d never be rid of him, and also why I was so scared to get the LI request, as it had gone quiet for ages.

He had a really serious job too- a lawyer, and I look back and I think, what were you doing asking me out, (not that it was illegal, I know that) and why did you hassle me for so many years when you’re actually supposed to be obeying the law? Anyway...

As I said this is my first ever post but I read these pages a lot. I think more counselling is probably needed or maybe I just get brave and stop being scared - I guess i shouldn’t let him rule my thoughts.

NotTheFordType Fri 27-Oct-17 15:56:45

Linked in goes through peoples' address books automatically and sends requests

Yes, it does. When you first sign up it says "Add your contacts who are on Linked In?" and if you don't cancel it will go through your address book and send contact requests to anyone who is also on Linked In.

However OP mentioned requests plural - so it's likely he has been deliberately sending requests.

OP would you consider going back into counselling to work through this feeling of anxiety?

Katrynn Fri 27-Oct-17 15:59:11

Thanks, NotThe. Yeah, plural requests which I have denied, and have now blocked him. I would certainly be willing to do more counselling but was hoping I could work it out in my head myself. I guess some people just get under our skin.

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