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Anyone have an OH who suffers from depression?

(16 Posts)
Seedybread Fri 27-Oct-17 12:41:10

If so, how do you cope?

The past 6 months have been incredibly hard for my oh, but they haven’t exactly been a bed of roses for me. I feel like shit pretty much every day of the week. He doesn’t communicate properly, just snaps, shouts and talks down to me like I’m insignificant. He sees the affect of his actions when I’m crying, but I feel as though this time, his depression has robbed him of empathy). It’s like every thing and every one is so important in his life, except me - As he can let his frustration out on me and I’m the only one who knows about it. (he suffered from depression before we even met).

I’m going through some challenges of my own and his actions are also affecting my mental health - plus the children are witnessing his behaviour.

I love him dearly and know what a loving man he can be, but I’m struggling to keep it together myself. He made me swear that I wouldn’t tell anyone so I have no one in RL!

SkaPunkPrincess Fri 27-Oct-17 12:48:45

yes I do. An agreement of our marriage continuing is that he fully engages with his doctor and advice/medication recommended and takes responsibility for his own mental health. I support him with this.
If he refused to seek or engage in trying to help himself then I would have to remove myself and our children from the situation.

mental health is not an excuse for poor behaviour. is your OH recieving support or taking medication?

Velocity Fri 27-Oct-17 12:53:18

You’re not the only one! I was one conversation away from asking him if he wanted to leave, I didn’t say it in the end but he took medication and the last 4 years have been so much better. I’m dreading him coming off them. We are open with DS and explain that his dad sometimes needs more rest, more quiet. When it’s not good, I try to spend time out of the house for DS to burn energy. It’s not easy and my own mental health has suffered - mostly with the stress of keeping it all together.

Seedybread Fri 27-Oct-17 12:55:36

He started medication about a week ago. I lost it and said that he needed to do something about it or our relationship won’t work. He wants to get better and isn’t burying his head in the sand, since it came to a head and I said I can’t cope with his behaviour. He hasn’t and won’t discuss what his doctor said.

He has said briefly that his doctor said by not communicating with me he is making things worse and that the fact he throws himself in to work and works 12 hour days, coming home late and stressed is not helping. He was told he had to take time off. He has done this over the past week but he’s been doing his hobby, so I’ve not seen more of him.

I don’t want to come across selfish, but I feel like I’m working and holding the responsibility for our large family all on my own. When he’s here it’s as though his body is, but that’s it. He goes on the Xbox to escape and I just feel that I am alone.

Velocity Fri 27-Oct-17 12:57:53

I also encourage DH to have therapy so there is someone external to talk to - which is good for both of us. Apart from that we have an understanding that both of us are responsible for protecting DS - meaning, if DH is really in a bad place it is better for him to find some space eg visit friends for a complete break than breaking down in front of our child. I hope it gets better for you.

Velocity Fri 27-Oct-17 12:59:28

I don’t ask DH to share about his therapy sessions - he knows he can share if he wants to. The medications takes a while to work so hang on in there.

Velocity Fri 27-Oct-17 13:00:09

Oh - and you are not selfish. I would frequently have a good cry in the shower!

LemonShark Fri 27-Oct-17 13:17:53

Mental illness is no excuse for treating your partner badly. I speak as someone with depression. He has a responsibility to do everything he can to get better, whether that's meds or therapy (preferably both) or you'd be better off walking away. If I didn't take responsibility for my own mental health and try to manage it effectively I'd fully expect and support my OH to walk away. Otherwise I'd just be a sinking ship dragging someone else down and it's desperately unfair.

Seedybread Fri 27-Oct-17 13:25:36

Silly but I’m sat here crying thinking what the hell do I do. There was a time that he was truly the best partner I’d ever had in my life. But now those moments are very few and far between. I think he thinks that just by taking pills he’ll miraculously get better.

He comes home from work when he feels like it. He’ll do his own thing and not help me and say “I’m not feeling great so I need some space”. I get that, but I also resent the fact that his depression is really affecting my wellbeing. I don’t have many friends and no family nearby, so I don’t have any support network that can help me take my mind off things. I also have pretty much sole responsibility for the kids so never have time to recharge.

I’ve suffered from depression myself when I came out of a very awful relationship. I was in a dark placed struggling as a single parent. I sought professional help and actually found that I became a better person for it too - was probably the happiest I’d ever been post therapy!

User462892925 Fri 27-Oct-17 13:34:36

Depression hits people differently so it's no good saying I did this and that.

He does need to accept help though. If he doesn't do that then he is being very unreasonable.

Saying that though it may not help that much. I have had meds and counselling but still see life as bleak and little makes me happy. I shut off from people too. Sometimes I wish I lived on my own and didn't have any family. That's the effect it has on me.

butterfly198615 Fri 27-Oct-17 13:51:37

If your husband has only started on medication last week it can take up to 6 weeks for them to start to work and he will have to go back and see his doctor about how he's getting in with them. If there not working and he doesn't improve there are a few that he can try.
My husband has depression and it's very hard to see someone you once new just change as the depression progresses.
My husband started on one type if medication and they didn't work and his doctor wasn't helpful didn't listen and said there was nothing else they could give him. His depression had got worse last year and it's like walking on egg shells all the time. My children were bearing the brunt of it and they actually said to him how they felt about the way he is. He decided to go back to the doctors this one listened to him and changed his medication which was much better and he wasn't as bad. Then my husband had a rough time with his job and just went down hill he didn't look well was exhausted. So we went back to the doctors and they stepped his medication up. He is 100% better and he feels they are working.
I know it's hard to be supportive to someone who just gives you shit all the time. But you need to be there, the one who takes control. I used to let my husband just get on with it. But it's the last straw and I said were getting you another appointment and I'm going in with you. Which was the best thing as the doctor was asking me how he is, etc. My husband came out and felt like a load of weight had been lifted of his shoulders.
It's hard to talk about it to anyone but you do need someone close in real life to vent to. My mum is the one I turn too and I have a good cry as it's horrible husband to feel the way he does. My dad has mental health issues and as a kid I suffered the most out of everyone and I don't want that for my kids. My dad didn't go the doctors and in my eyes my mum is that easy going she didn't see the problem and just let it fester. My dad now sees a psychiatrist and it does help but he has a long way to go, he's in his 60s and just didn't get the help and support he needed. Which is why you have to be strong.
I have my own mental health issues and I am on anti depressants also but my depression is completey different to my husband's. If you think your depression is back then maybe you both could go together.
It's horrible when they have no empathy. The worse was when I was pregnant with our dd my husband didnt care I was pregnant. I thought he didn't love me but it was the depression he just used to put himself before everyone.
It's a long road but it will get better the trick is as hard as it can but just don't give up on him or you.

SBDB Fri 27-Oct-17 14:01:58

I am in the same position. My DH's depression comes in waves and usually lasts around 4-6 months. Once it goes we usually have about a year before it returns. We've been together 10 years and usually I just ignore it - I have a really busy job and hobbies so I can occupy myself to avoid him if I need to. This time though is different. We have the builders in doing substantial work to our home and I am due to have our first child in April. I've had this week off work so have been able to juggle everything happening but next week when I go back I am worried about the impact it will all have.
Mine always says he is open to help but never actually books an appointment or goes.
I feel your frustration OP.

colouringinagain Fri 27-Oct-17 14:14:22

I have been in your shoes and the effect on your wellbeing and mental health can be very bad.

It's really really important you talk about how you feel. Everything you've written here is completely valid and understandable given the situation you're in. Do not let your OH dictate what you say to whom.

Make your GP aware how much it's affecting you. There's no shame in it. One study I read found that 40% of people who's OH was mentally ill, developed mental illness themselves.

The current publicity around removing stigma about mental illness is good, but ime needs to be accompanied by a recognition of the huge impact it has on partners and children.

Try and fix up some nice things for you in your week, something to look forward to. Meet up with friends and be kind to yourself.

With best wishes

Seedybread Fri 27-Oct-17 16:36:35

I can totally see that @colouringinagain. I feel like I’ve cried so many tears that I’m numb.

The kids have seen how he is with me and how he shouts and grinds me down and makes me cry. They then see me so weak. They then notice that he doesn’t apologise for his actions.

Whether it was the right thing or not to say, I told him that his depression, “isn’t a get out of jail free card” - it doesn’t excuse him from treating me how he does.

Putting it in a really insensitive way, I could kind of cope if he was struggling with depression and not treating me how he is. It’s hard to want to support - or even be there for something - when they grind you down and make you feel invisible.

His comings and goings whenever he feels like it, are making me start to resent him. He puts his needs way above mine.

I can’t even remember the last time he actually did something for me. It’s sad really that someone who made you feel like the most important person in the world, can kind of change so quickly and make you feel like dog crap on a pavement

colouringinagain Fri 27-Oct-17 16:49:21

Yes it's devastating coming from someone who is supposed to be your partner.

Imo shouting at a partner, treating them badly and being entirely selfish are not acceptable, depression or none.

Has his personality completely changed or was some of this there before?

LuckyBitches Fri 27-Oct-17 16:58:15

OP this makes me sad, you are not dog crap on a pavement. I think you know that anyway, but I just wanted to reinforce it.

He sounds completely thoughtless and inconsiderate. I say this as a person who has suffered from depression. It can be hard to think of others when you're down, but in my opinion he can drag himself towards showing you a small kindness now and then.

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