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Husband cheated for second time

(220 Posts)
harriettep123 Fri 27-Oct-17 11:20:16

I’m 50 h 52 we’ve been married for 30years happily so I thought. 4 years ago he had a 3 year emotional affair with an ex school mate he reconnected with on Facebook, they later met for sex in a Travelodge. I wanted continue with the marriage and he swore it wouldn’t happen again. Guess what ? He went to a rugby game with some mates picked up a young girl in a bar and had sex in his hotel room, I found out because he was guarding his phone while we were on a mini break in Spain. When we got back I got on his phone and they’d stayed in contact sexting on WhatsApp and arranging to meet again. Obviously I went ballistic and asked him to leave , he won’t and six months later he’s still here in the spare bedroom, as he LOves ME , lol !
Also last week I got on his web history on the iPad, he’s been using porn sites, dating sites and looking at escort girls in our area and in his home town where his parent live. I’ve made an appointment with a solicitor on Monday, but pathetically I still love him. I’m in pieces on antidepressants please help me to be strong. I know what I’d say to someone in my position so why can’t I be more pro-active ?Anyone else experienced this ?

TammyswansonTwo Fri 27-Oct-17 11:22:22

It's difficult when it's you, but you know deep down that you cannot stay with this man, right? He doesn't love you or he wouldn't do this, he just wants his cake and to eat it too. Don't put up with this!

Santawontbelong Fri 27-Oct-17 11:23:07

Alas he saw your forgiveness the first time as the green light to shag about.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Fri 27-Oct-17 11:38:07

What exactly do you love about this lying, cheating piece of crap?

bestwayforward Fri 27-Oct-17 11:42:18

Pleased to see you are seeing a solicitor, you cant recover this marriage after this. Sounds like you know this.

gameoflife Fri 27-Oct-17 11:55:42

Watch how quickly “loving” you turns into something else when he realises that you aren’t going to be his doormat anymore.

Keep screen shots of his online activity/WhatsApp stuff, he will turn this into a woe is me thing before you know it, and you will need them to remind yourself that you are not the bad guy.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Fri 27-Oct-17 11:57:04

^ Good advice about the screen shots of the internet history etc.

gameoflife Fri 27-Oct-17 11:58:20

You love who you thought he was, mourn that person, but understand that he doesn’t exist anymore. The man you are divorcing is the porn addled, prostitute using, cheating liar with whom you currently live.

victoryinthekitchen Fri 27-Oct-17 12:07:46

there is tonnes of good, practical advice here on MN about this situation (which unfortunately is too common), please take it for your own well-being, he is humiliating you and you deserve so much more than this flowers

Annoyed5678 Fri 27-Oct-17 12:11:58

You need to get all information and file for divorce to show him your serious, then he can add rooms to rent to his internet history

harriettep123 Fri 27-Oct-17 13:21:12

Thanks ladies, I know I’ll be fine I’m fit and everyone says attractive, I run my own business too. I feel I’m being controlled, emotionally abused by him trivialising it all. The other week he went to a casino and trawling around local clubs and got back at 3am, couldn’t understand why I was upset 😠

Puzzledandpissedoff Fri 27-Oct-17 13:31:17

I'm so sorry, harriettep123; I was 32 years in when I found the cheating had continued, and believe me I understand this isn't easy

Obviously you now know this isn't going to stop and that his comments about "it being you he loves" are worthless, so in your own good time - and there's no rush - you need to decide whether you can live with the torture of doubt and disrespect or whether you'll call it a day. FWIW I tried the first option for too long, realised it was impossible and finally went for the second

Can I say you're doing exactly the right thing in seeing a solicitor next week; not only will this give you information, I also believe you'll feel a lot more empowered afterwards, and after such a long marriage you should be in a strong position financially

Do you have family or friends to lean on through this and do they know what's happened so they can support you? How about some counselling just for you, to help you see your way through this? Keep updating here too, if you feel able, as the wise words just keep coming from so many of us who've been through it

Above all remember that you are the priority now; he's blown whatever chance he might have had and put you in the driving seat, so use the anger which will certainly come and make a much happier future for yourself flowers

AgathaF Fri 27-Oct-17 13:37:47

I think you have to try to disconnect from him in every way. I'm assuming that since you've asked him to leave and he's in the spare room, that you're not cooking for him, cleaning his areas, doing his washing, shopping for his food etc? If you are doing this stuff then you need to stop. Also, why are you showing him that you're upset if he's out half the night? You want to separate, he's in the spare room because he's (so far) refusing to move out, so you need to live separate lives. That means coming and going as you wish, not having to account to him for your whereabouts, and not questioning him on his.
Of course a 30 year history together makes this really difficult but it needs to be done.

PNGirl Fri 27-Oct-17 14:03:34

Yes I was about to say treat him like a lodger if you are not already. No washing, cleaning his room, cooking.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 27-Oct-17 15:24:29

He is living at home still only because it suits him. He probably knows full well you still have feelings for him. Oh and he migh have been banking on you capitulating to accept any divorce terms just to end the misery.

Hope you get on all right on Monday, maybe write down any questions you have beforehand and take them with you.

SusannahL Fri 27-Oct-17 15:40:22

It sounds as if he checked out of this marriage years ago OP, so you must try not to dwell on the 'I still love him' thoughts.
You need to find your anger, to think how DARE he treat me like this.

SandyY2K Fri 27-Oct-17 17:57:45

you've given him a second chance after a 3 year affair.
If you don't walk this time he'll see it as you'll never leave no master what.

If he was truly remorseful after the first affair (that you know of), he wouldn't have done it again.

If he had an ounce of remorse the second time... no way would be have gone out till 3am.

Do you honesty think that you've caught him every time he's cheated?

MrSnrubYesThatsIt Fri 27-Oct-17 18:01:53

bloody hell, you took him back after a 3 year affair!
no wonder he thinks you'll relent and take him back again.
find your pride and anger - he goes in the bin.

JingsMahBucket Fri 27-Oct-17 18:14:20

I agree with the others that said start treating him like a lodger. Just blank him if you can. He doesn't exist because he doesn't respect you at all. Get angry, be sad in private but keep being angry and indignant. That will help you move on.

Goosegrass Fri 27-Oct-17 20:45:54

Are you shipping and cooking for him, doing his washing and ironing, changing his sheets? If so stop.

Goosegrass Fri 27-Oct-17 20:46:08

*Shopping

Peanutbuttercheese Sat 28-Oct-17 09:10:05

Write a list of all the things he did to hurt you and whe you feel the pull towards him read a couple back. You can keep this thread going and every time you have that feeling look here.

Basically sort out finances, he has an amazing capacity to lie so don't trust him at all. I could see him spending or hiding assets if he knows you are going to divorce him.

TheEmpressWears Sat 28-Oct-17 09:13:59

Refusing to go is so disrespectful. He has the right to shag about and you do not get a say in whether your own relationship with him continues or not!?

whoareyoukidding Sat 28-Oct-17 09:19:39

Just because you love your ex it doesn't mean that the relationship can work. There's a little bit of me that still loves both my exes but I am mighty glad to be free of both of them.
I think you'll be so relieved once you finally split from your DH.I agree with others who say to plan carefully for the day when he finally goes for good.

Maelstrop Sat 28-Oct-17 13:43:46

I'm sorry, OP, but he wants his home comforts but also the excitement of shagging around. While you are at home doing whatever you do for him, why should he stop? He's got the best of both worlds. Don't do a thing for him. Speak to a solicitor and start proceedings.

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