Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

*trigger warning" consent for sex

(93 Posts)
TimeIsAnIllusion Fri 27-Oct-17 10:10:47

I have a question about consent to sex within marriage.
Sometimes when my husband and I are in bed together (we normally sleep together), he will try to initiate sex by groping me - touching me and rubbing his penis against me - if I say no and he continues to force himself on top of me and attempt to penetrate me - I will try to push him off - explain I am exhausted - not in the mood now - he will continue to pin me down, force my legs apart and make me have sex - I will struggle for as long as I feel able - but often will give in and let him carry on (laying there limply not giving any encouragement hoping he finishes quickly because I am desperate for sleep). Does giving in in this manner mean I have now consented (to get it over with)?

AnchorDownDeepBreath Fri 27-Oct-17 10:14:15

No. Not in any way, at all.

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. Do you feel able to get help? He shouldn’t be having, or even wanting to have, non consensual sex with you.

SpecialAgentP Fri 27-Oct-17 10:14:38

In no way shape or form have you consented. My ex husband used to do this and when I told him it was rape he’d just say you’re my wife and I’ll take what I want when I want it. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I was sexually assaulted and raped by my husband and father of my children. I left him 7 years ago and I still struggle with intimate relationships. I enjoy sex but when I’m feeling low or my self confidence has been knocked I use sex as a self destruct. Sending love and light x

AnyFucker Fri 27-Oct-17 10:16:00

That is rape.

ApplesTheHare Fri 27-Oct-17 10:16:04

No, you have not consented. This is rape. I'm so sorry this is happening to you flowers

TimeIsAnIllusion Fri 27-Oct-17 10:17:20

I feel I might have given permission by my actions of sleeping in the same bed and not protecting myself by removing myself to another room.
Is it a bit of a grey area so to speak?

KarateKitten Fri 27-Oct-17 10:17:59

Sorry but yes, this is exactly marital rape. I wouldn't have a problem with the initial grope and errection letting you know he's interested but he must back off when you let him know you're not. Every time.

KarateKitten Fri 27-Oct-17 10:19:07

No Times, that is not a grey area. At all. You are perfectly okay to sleep in a bed with someone but they are still not allowed to rape you.

ApplesTheHare Fri 27-Oct-17 10:19:43

You shouldn't have to protect yourself from your husband.

Saying no is enough. It's not a grey area. Most men stop when you say no, only rapists pin you down and carry on.

MadameJosephine Fri 27-Oct-17 10:20:39

Absolutely not!

I’m very sorry this is happening to you OP but rape within marriage (and let me be very clear, this IS rape) is a crime. Perhaps contacting rape crisis or women’s aid might help?

TimeIsAnIllusion Fri 27-Oct-17 10:29:36

I have said to him that if I say no he should stop and leave me alone - he jokingly says things like “it’s your duty I own you” said with a laugh not in a sinister way... it’s like he genuinely doesn’t understand it is wrong. Which is not surprising if I am not sure myself. I just know I don’t like it!

Jesstheblackandwhitecat Fri 27-Oct-17 10:31:20

Have you been with him for long ?

SchnitzelVonKrumm Fri 27-Oct-17 10:33:02

Nothing grey about it, he is raping you.

AnyFucker Fri 27-Oct-17 10:34:09

Marital rape was outlawed in 1991

He should go to prison for rape. Tell him that.

TimeIsAnIllusion Fri 27-Oct-17 10:34:42

We have been together 17 Years

Quartz2208 Fri 27-Oct-17 10:34:46

It is wrong and he does not own your and it is not your duty. It is rape, its very clear cut, there is no grey area at all

KarateKitten Fri 27-Oct-17 10:34:46

OP, sometimes abuse is confusing and unclear to the person being abused. But he is abusing you. Clearly. It's rape and he doesn't even own you. He shouldn't even joke about that. It's horrific.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Fri 27-Oct-17 10:36:13

Point out to him that rape within marriage has been against the law in the UK (are you in the UK?) since the early 1990s and that if you report him to the police he can be arrested, charged and jailed if found guilty. As opposed to, for example, it being your duty because he owns you.

You could also ask him what kind of sick bastard he has to be to get off on sex with a woman who is clearly neither consenting nor enjoying it.


MrsKCastle Fri 27-Oct-17 10:37:47

There is no way you should even have to ask yourself this.

It is rape. Re-read your OP if you can face it. You describe saying no and physically struggling. No grey area at all.

orangeisnothenewblack Fri 27-Oct-17 10:40:54

This is rape

TimeIhadaNameChange Fri 27-Oct-17 10:45:35

You need to watch this video about tea (utterly brilliant analogy). It will make perfectly clear that he rapes you.

LemonBreeland Fri 27-Oct-17 10:48:23

Oaky, here is how it works in a normal relationship. My husband might cuddle me and start to caress me. If I'm not in the mood he will immediately stop. That is how it should happen.

It should never get to the point of him trying to penetrate you. Pinning someone down to force yourselves upon them is rape. No grey area, no argument about sleeping in the same bed. It is simply rape.

hardhatfirmlyon Fri 27-Oct-17 10:49:06

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle Fri 27-Oct-17 10:50:02

Oh op. flowers

I'm so sorry, but there is absolutely no grey area here at all.

It is rape.

The law is very clear on this.
You could be laying next to your husband stark naked, it doesn't make a tiny bit of difference to what this is.
You didn't consent.

And even more chilling is, he knows.
That "jokey" comment about owning you.
That's not a joke.

He's telling you who he is and what he thinks.

Please contact an organisation like Rape Crisis to talk it through, if you feel able.

YorkieDorkie Fri 27-Oct-17 10:52:03

It sounds to me like he gets a kick out of too struggling against him. I'd be worried if I couldn't stop him. DH might push his luck and persist if he thinks I'm joking about saying no but he gets the message very quickly and then I'm left alone. That's how it should be! I would be concerned if I never got to say no and mean it. It's belittling and degrading. I hope you can have a mature conversation with him about this OP and he will listen.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: