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Anybody around for a bit of support?

(17 Posts)
trappeddownhere Thu 26-Oct-17 21:04:54

I don't know where to turn really. I'm fairly certain my husband has depression and I'm trying so hard, every way I can think of to help.

I feel terrible to say it but I'm fucking sick of it tonight. I know that makes me an awful wife / person in general but I'm so tired of it being how it is.

Nothing I say is right. There comes a point where I need to voice certain things; I can't walk on egg shells my whole life. But I mention one thing and then it's "god I can't even get that right". So I feel guilty.

I was day dreaming today about having a happy husband who came home smiling and asked me how I was. I'm crying my eyes out just thinking of it. Just one day.

I know this is the ultimate selfish post. I do love him but I just want to be free from this. As I'm sure he does.

springydaffs Thu 26-Oct-17 21:13:45

Depression? Are you sure it's depression?

How long has he been like this? Do you have kids?

trappeddownhere Thu 26-Oct-17 21:17:30

I feel like it is. He has a lot going on with his side of the family. They aren't very nice to him. I try and be supportive and we come up with plans of how to try and tackle things and make things better for him. But he won't ever follow them through. I feel so sorry for him. He has no motivation to help himself. But he won't or can't let me help him either. I am exhausted with it but what can I do?

We have a 2 year old. Thank you for replying.

TammyswansonTwo Thu 26-Oct-17 21:17:45

Being with someone who's unwell in whatever way is extremely difficult- of course it's hard for them but that doesn't mean it's not hard for you too.

Is he getting any help? Any sign of wanting things to change? I have physical illnesses / disabilities and am in constant pain but that doesn't mean I can take it out on my husband (sometimes when it gets too much I have done but it's not acceptable). I do whatever I can to minimise the impact on him and the family. Is he doing the same?

LadyScatterbrain Thu 26-Oct-17 21:18:34

Oh dear, sending 💐 Didn't want to just read and run.

Does your husband recognise he's got a problem? Is he willing to go to his GP and look into counselling? You sound very unhappy too. I would sit him down and have a talk about the situation, get things out there. He probably doesn't have a clue how his behaviour is affecting you. Good luck xx

trappeddownhere Thu 26-Oct-17 21:23:49

Thank you for kind words. It is such an odd feeling to be heard. I am crying so much.

He has a chronic condition which causes him a lot of psychological distress. As well as a really shit family. We found a private therapist for a while and it did help somewhat but then he changed his mind and said he didn't want to "waste our money" on it.

I can't tell him how I feel - he just interprets it as being attacked. It's a bloody mess.

springydaffs Thu 26-Oct-17 21:28:42

Oh gawd. Poor old him eh hmm

Look, lots of its have extremely difficult and challenging lives - and families! It doesn't give us carte blanche to be shitty to those close to us.

It looks like he enjoys wallowing, and he enjoys making you pay for all his sorrow. He probably thought all his Christmases came at once when you turned up - someone to feel sorry for him and take all his shit.

Has he hit you? Pushed you about? Hit or broken things /objects?

trappeddownhere Thu 26-Oct-17 21:33:44

Jesus no nothing like that. He's a good husband and would do anything for me and our child if I asked him. It's the asking that gets me though - it's like he's got no drive or motivation or desire to do, well, anything. I don't want to have to write lists for him and ask him.

This is why I feel selfish. I am very lucky in many ways. But I would just love to be thought of.

Springy, i think you are meaning well. I hope you are. But it's really upsetting to hear him spoken about like that. He doesn't enjoy wallowing at all. He is in an awful place mentally. I feel for him and want to help him. I just wanted somewhere to vent about my own needs.

We both felt like all our Christmases had come at once. We love each other and I'm happy we are together. He isn't well and I want to know how to be stronger for him. Sorry, your post has really upset me.

bluescreen Thu 26-Oct-17 21:34:56

We found a private therapist for a while and it did help somewhat but then he changed his mind and said he didn't want to "waste our money" on it.
It's not money wasted if it helps him get better or at least come to terms with his chronic condition and shit family, and helps his own family to live together more happily. So why did he really give it up? Does he like playing the martyr? Or making you feel bad? confused

Sorry that you're having to go through this. It helps to know what exactly the "this" is, though.

trappeddownhere Thu 26-Oct-17 21:36:35

Yes I've reasoned that with him. I would spend whatever it takes to get him well and happy. I think possible the reason he stopped is that it was getting too close to the very painful stuff emotionally. Which is obviously the crucial part in therapy.

bluescreen Thu 26-Oct-17 21:37:37

Sorry, that sounded too negative. Perhaps it's just incredibly low self esteem, in which case he needs to be persuaded it's not money spent on him but money spent for everyone's sake.

Bubblebath01 Thu 26-Oct-17 21:38:14

Hope you work it out. I thought my ex was depressed. Life can be difficult. Stay strong. Xx

trappeddownhere Thu 26-Oct-17 21:40:25

Ah yes that would be a good way to frame it. If you won't go back for yourself, go for your daughter kind of thing.

Thank you so much for talking to me. I think I've realised I'm really quite lonely in all of this.

bluescreen Thu 26-Oct-17 21:43:20

Cross-posted. flowers are probably no consolation right now.
But yeh, maybe you have to be the engine here if he has no drive. Shit for you, but it might help if he could get out of doors. Do you have a garden? Shops within walking distance? A park for the DCs? He sounds very turned in on himself and needs to see a horizon and other people, somehow. x

trappeddownhere Thu 26-Oct-17 21:47:26

This is the thing - we have all these things. We live in an absolutely beautiful part of the country and we all used to enjoy the outdoors, together as a family and individually, often. He still comes out with us but is just so flat.

It isn't all the time but tonight has been particularly bad. He's so distant. I miss him.

bluescreen Thu 26-Oct-17 22:16:03

Has he been to the GP? It sounds as if he hasn't had a formal diagnosis. That might help, if you can persuade him to go (in all your interests) and the right ADs could make a big difference. How much insight does he have into his current state of mind? You might be able to work on that to persuade him to go, otherwise you'll have to drag him along. Assuming you have a decent, conscientious GP.

Apileofballyhoo Thu 26-Oct-17 22:20:55

If he hasn't always been like this he needs to get help now. If he had a physical illness, I'm sure you would not tolerate him ignoring it and getting sicker and sicker. I know how hard it is. DH also suffers from anxiety and depression. flowers

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