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How do you know if you love your partner?

(18 Posts)
dysdiado Thu 26-Oct-17 19:26:56

Together for years, two kids, both early thirties. Problem is I don't really think I've truly loved him or at least never been in love. He's never given me butterflies or anything like that but we mostly get on and he's like a friend to me. He's always been on the larger size but lost weight a few years into our relationship but now piled it back on-he's around 5 stone overweight. I just don't fancy him. I know it's shallow but I'm being honest. I find myself eyeing up other men too. I really don't want to split our family up but at the moment I can't imagine staying like this forever. He is making attempts to lose the weight but it's a life long struggle for him. Also he's lazy around the house and has to be told about housework. My god this pisses me off.

I guess I'm just looking for advice from people who have been in a similar situation-just coasting along in a relationship. And how do you know if you are in love/love someone? God I sound naive but I just don't know anymore. I really don't think his weight is the main issue, I'm just not sure if the relationship run it's course. Thanks

marciagetscreamed Thu 26-Oct-17 21:42:41

I have felt like this about previous partners and it was because I didn’t love them.

marciagetscreamed Thu 26-Oct-17 21:49:16

Sorry that was a bit blunt....

My husband was seriously ill recently and when I first saw him in hospital, I had the most enormous rush of love for him.

If it had been my ex, I would have felt pity and a bit trapped if I am honest.

Putting on weight isn’t the same thing, but I don’t think it would really bother you that much if you loved him.

pompomcat Thu 26-Oct-17 21:50:17

Hi @dysdiado. I don't have much advice, but bumping in case people with experience can come along and help. Several years ago I did go out with a lovely, caring lad whom I struggled to fancy but it was different, not long together and no DCs.

You sound a bit fed up though and I do feel for you. How long have you been together in total? Have you felt able to talk to him about his weight / helping out at home? How would you say he feels about you? Can you see things improving?

TriHard27 Thu 26-Oct-17 21:52:32

How would you feel if someone else showed an interest in him? Jealous or relieved?

missyB1 Thu 26-Oct-17 21:56:42

This was how I felt about my ex husband (I had two kids with him and had married very young). I wasn’t in love with him, and in the end couldn’t bring myself to have sex with him.

I have now been married to my second DH for 9 years and still get butterflies and feel an overwhelming love for him. I cannot imagine a life without him.

Sarahh2014 Thu 26-Oct-17 21:56:46

I felt like that for years with xh pushed it to back of my mind until I told him I wanted a divorce after 8 years ( I had been unfaithful at that point but didn't tell him) life is too short to settle I am now remarried to someone I love and fancy the arse off with a ds

meowimacat Thu 26-Oct-17 22:07:33

Yep this was me for years and this year I left him. You only have one life and you are wasting it with the wrong person. You could talk to him and explain that unless things change you are going to leave, but sounds like you've been with him long enough to know things won't change.

I definitely got into a relationship with someone just because I didn't want to be alone and he wasn't a bad guy. However, years passed and things I tolerated like his laziness became less and less appealing, especially when moving in and kids happened.

It's clear you don't love him, I think it's time you think about being on your own for a bit and then finding someone who you really want to be with - and the same for him, he deserves someone who really cares for him and loves him too.

colouringinagain Thu 26-Oct-17 22:11:31

God I reeeeeeaaally hope I find someone I feel like that about after a nightmare first marriage

SmiledWithTheRisingSun Thu 26-Oct-17 22:25:53

I think being married and living with someone is all about peaks & troughs.

I know I love my DH. There have been occasions when I haven't much liked his behaviour.

But we have been together nearly 20
years and still have interesting conversations, make an effort to
make things better when we are not getting along or feel
stressed out. We have amazing sex & both love being a family with our DCs.

He's overweight but so am I. It's not the look of him that bothers me, he's gorgeous. I just worry about his health so want him (and me!) to loose weight.

I know that I love this man when he does things like: run me a bath in the pm because I'm tired, does all the washing up after dinner, buys me a surprise massage because I'm stressed, makes me a cuppa in the morning. I do nice things for him too. We are a team. It's not all a fairy tale. There are times I could kill him! But all of the good stuff, that's how I know.

Myheartbelongsto Thu 26-Oct-17 22:53:57

Because I only want wonderful things for him.

headinhands Thu 26-Oct-17 23:20:42

My gut feeling is if you need to ask, you don’t.

You deserve to be happy op.

Cheeseontoes Thu 26-Oct-17 23:31:36

Could you spend some time apart OP? Holiday or stay with friends/family for a while?

It's often hard to see the wood for the trees when you live with someone and get into a routine.

happy2bhomely Thu 26-Oct-17 23:51:53

You deserve more and so does your DH.

I've been with mine since we were 16. I knew I loved him within 2 weeks. 18 years and 5 dc later and I still do.

He is my friend and my family and I fancy him and his pot belly!

When something good happens, I want him. When something bad happens, I want him. We have had bad times but we have grown together.

I couldn't tell you why I love him. I'm sure there are lots of men who would do all the things that he does. I just know that I love him and wouldn't trade him for anything.

dysdiado Fri 27-Oct-17 00:17:44

Thanks for the replies. I guess I'm posting here partly as I have such a poor understanding of a healthy relationship-my parents relationship was very bad-toxic even and they are still together for various reasons. Now mine is nowhere near that bad but I think it has taught me to just stick it out regardless of how you feel.

Another problem is that I'm really dependent on him-don't have many friends so we do everything together. I can't imagine how I'd cope if we broke up but is that enough to stay together?

dysdiado Fri 27-Oct-17 00:21:59

Oh and we aren't married either mainly because of parents terrible marriage putting me off for life. But part of me thinks it's because I don't really love him. Would you stay with someone you weren't in love with if it seemed easier than breaking up?

SouthernFriedChickenPlease Fri 27-Oct-17 00:35:42

For me it’s the feeling of even if we broke up I would never want another man ever again and I never thought that through two previous long term relationships. It’s a feeling like no other that I have never felt before even though I have loved before. I think of it as I loved my ex (dcs dad) but I am in love with my dp.

SouthernFriedChickenPlease Fri 27-Oct-17 00:37:43

And no I wouldn’t stay with someone I didn’t love just because it’s easier than breaking up. It may seem easier now but it won’t be easier in the future when you get resentful. With my ex I wish I had done it sooner even though it was very difficult leaving.

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