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family wedding guest stress

(16 Posts)
esthalarge Thu 26-Oct-17 14:45:57

DP and u have been together a number of years and have 2 DCs together. We've avoided a wedding for a few reasons: babies, finances but probably more so because of family.
The thought of organising a wedding stresses me out, however DP and I have agreed that it's what we would like to do. DPs small family are quite well-to-do but no real problems in terms of who to invite etc.

Mine are a completely different ball game. Both my mother and father have a large number of siblings and some of them are quite rough and ready if you know what I mean. One of my mother's sisters and her husband have been rude to DP and I the last 3 times I've seen them at their sons weddings and at my grandfather's funeral. Each time, they confronted DP and I for sitting too close to the front and asked us to move! Making us feel quite embarrassed and like inferior family members. My Aunt is someone everyone is the family appears to love, but she's actually quite nasty at heart, a side I saw regularly growing up. She even once sent me an aggressive birthday card, which inside it, accused me of calling her names behind her back when I was 12. A recent disagreement regarding her treatment of my elderly grandmother has also caused a big rift between us. I find her very manipulative and always have done.

If I were to invite my mother's other siblings and not her, I've no doubt world war 2 would ensue. But I'm really not sure I want people present at my wedding who aren't sincerely happy for us. However I would like to invite one of my aunt's son's, which would no doubt cause more problems.

My father's side is similar, but I would be reluctant to invite one of his brothers who had an affair with my mother behind his back for years. My father still doesn't know. My uncle knows that I know and rather than actually be a bit kinder, I'm met with sarcastic remarks and digs about me being a "problem child" whenever I see him. Again, I get along well with his children and would want to invite them but this would be frowned upon. Not to mention the stress for my elderly grandparents who wouldn't understand why I was cutting out certain aunts and uncles on both sides.

My parents are pretty useless when it comes to taking my side, probably why these relatives were able to be so unkind to me over the years. My mother in particular is quite a toxic woman, like my Aunt.

DP and I have discussed getting married abroad to reduce family upheavel and keeping things small, but why should we? We have plenty of friends and other family whom we would like to attend. What should I do? Just invite everyone and not be picky about who attends? Or only invite who I want to and risk family meltdowns? It puts me off getting married at times!

K0729P Thu 26-Oct-17 15:30:31

This isn't going to be a helpful reply, but..... it is your wedding, do whatever you like. Invite whoever you like. Do you want it to look back on it and have potential bad memories if these family members decide to be arseholes?

If this causes big drama though, will it really impact on you? You don't seem to have nice interactions with them at the moment, so nothing will really change.

Try not to let it put you off a nice experience of planning your special day. These people really aren't worth your stress or worry.

Cricrichan Thu 26-Oct-17 15:34:08

The way I see it, they're going to cause a scene regardless so it might as well not be at the wedding. Invite who you want at the wedding. Anyone asks, tell them the truth.

MamaOfTwos Thu 26-Oct-17 15:37:30

Why not just invite parents and immediate siblings only, say that you're keeping it small and intimate and no one can get pissed off

AcrossthePond55 Thu 26-Oct-17 15:48:26

Sounds like shit if you do and shit if you don't. I vote for the shit that results in a day of happiness for you.

I wouldn't think you'd want any of them in your life anyway. Nor those who would defend them or berate you for not having them. The uncle is more problematic since your dad doesn't know. For that I'd still not invite him and let him know exactly why and if he doesn't want it spread all over the family he'd better stfu about it.

AcrossthePond55 Thu 26-Oct-17 15:51:38

Oh, and if questions are asked re uncle you just say "Uncle is quite aware of why he isn't invited" and change the subject. You owe an explanation to no one!

Thinking about it. I'll bet your dad knows, he's just chosen to either ignore or he and your mum have worked it through.

Hissy Thu 26-Oct-17 15:58:57

Invite your immediate family and your friends and that is that.

let this be the first step toward being a strong and independent person

Bugger your aunt, stuff your uncle.

When you are married, make sure that you only spend time with people who make you HAPPY!

bert3400 Thu 26-Oct-17 16:04:14

Just invite immediate family . For our wedding we invited our parents & DH siblings ( I'm an only child) & close friends . Sod anyone else ...its your day and keep it to just who you want .

esthalarge Thu 26-Oct-17 16:38:33

That's the point I think... I wouldn't want these people in my life anyway/ I rarely see them. So why pay for them to have a seat and meal at our wedding? I'm not convinced they'd be particularly happy for us anyway. My biggest worry is how my elderly grand-parents may react when they realise an aunt/uncle isn't invited. They would be very disappointed and would probably feel quite uncomfortable with it. They're not aware of the issues on either side.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Thu 26-Oct-17 16:45:28

"we're only inviting immediate family, and friends"
So yes to your parents and your siblings, and grandparents.
No to Aunts and uncles.
You can invite the cousins that you do like as friends rather than relatives

esthalarge Thu 26-Oct-17 16:53:09

The thing is... we would like DPs Aunts and Uncles to attend as we're quite close and they're absolutely lovely!

Mum4Fergus Thu 26-Oct-17 16:53:21

Elope and just don’t tell anyone...it’s you and DPs day 💞

loveyoutothemoon Thu 26-Oct-17 17:52:23

Invite who you want to be there, simple. Doesn't sound like the type of people I'd want at my wedding definitely!

DartmoorDoughnut Thu 26-Oct-17 17:57:30

Invite who you want

Aquamarine1029 Thu 26-Oct-17 17:59:27

Ugh. Why bring all this drama and nonsense into your life? The marriage is important, not the wedding. Never mind the expense of a wedding that will probably be a nightmare because of these monstrous family members. Elope and then have a wonderful dinner with your circle of beloved friends.

Maelstrop Thu 26-Oct-17 18:11:59

So parents, grandparents, sibs and dp's uncle and aunt. Give some spurious reason as to why they're invited and your aunts/uncles aren't unless you're feeling brace, in which case you can tell your horrible aunt and even nastier uncle exactly why they aren't invited. Depends on how braved you feel and how you would cope with the ensuing chaos of the aftermath!

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