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Is this normal men's behaviour?

(64 Posts)
Ellona Thu 26-Oct-17 13:55:06

I'm 28 years old and have been in a relationship for 6years although we split for 6months and have recently got back together.
I found a message saying there is loads of hot girls at his work place and he would do stuff with most of them.
Is this lads banter as they were both talking like this?
Please be thoughtful in your advice as I do love him n other then this we have had no problems since getting back together

Wolfiefan Thu 26-Oct-17 13:56:24

Banter is code for acting like a twat!
Why did you break up to start with and how did you "find" this message?!

DaisysStew Thu 26-Oct-17 13:57:53

I don't like this whole "lads banter" thing in general. It seems like another way to excuse bad behaviour from men old enough to know better.

Some people might be fine with it, personally I like a partner with a bit of class. It's how you feel about it that matters.

PickAChew Thu 26-Oct-17 13:59:04

It's normal dickhead behaviour.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle Thu 26-Oct-17 13:59:41

Yep- with Wolfie on this one.

Banter is just code for being a misogynistic arsehole.

No, not all men talk that.

I bet the language used was gross as well "I'd like to smash her doors in" - that sort of stuff. envy ---- NOT ENVY!

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle Thu 26-Oct-17 14:02:17

And to add....
It's no wonder women don't get get taken seriously in the workplace, when all their worth according to their male colleagues is a rating on a scale of 1-10 and a series of fuck holes. angry

Ellona Thu 26-Oct-17 14:04:39

I was using his tab which is synced to his phone when the message came up from a friend talking about women at work.
Tbh we broke up because of my depression and not treating him right so I do feel really guilty n would like to have a fresh start.
Thank you for your advice guys

hellsbellsmelons Thu 26-Oct-17 14:20:54

I fucking HATE the word 'banter'
It's used to excuse all sorts of shite behaviour and it's NOT OK!!
Up to you what you want to put up with.
But I would imagine it is just 'banter' angry

Ellona Thu 26-Oct-17 14:20:57

I really don't like this kind of banter, I feel its disrespectful to our relationship and other women.
Should I confront him?

DaisysStew Thu 26-Oct-17 14:25:12

OP, you don't need permission to be offended. Even if every poster had said they'd be fine with it, it's ok for you not to be. You have to establish your own boundaries.

K0729P Thu 26-Oct-17 14:26:45

This isn't "Banter".

Ask him? Only you know whether you can both discuss this or not. Do you trust him?

Shoxfordian Thu 26-Oct-17 14:29:01

Its casual misogyny and disrespect towards women which will be directed at you at some point

Smeaton Thu 26-Oct-17 14:31:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Thu 26-Oct-17 14:33:13

As I explained to my DS, 'banter' is only ok when both the 'banterer' and the 'banteree' are in on the joke and enjoying having a laugh at each other- e.g. teasing each other about how badly their football team is performing or similar. Otherwise it's not 'banter' it's picking on someone or in the OP's case making inappropriate and disrespectful remarks about women, which says a whole lot about someone's underlying attitude.

oldlaundbooth Thu 26-Oct-17 14:34:18

Not treating him right in what way?

Santawontbelong Thu 26-Oct-17 14:34:50

I would have packed for dh if i had seen this on his phone. I kid you not.

Wolfiefan Thu 26-Oct-17 14:40:58

Hmmmm. You split up because you treated him badly or because he said you weren't treating him right?
I had depression. We didn't split. I got treatment and he supported me through it.

Ellona Thu 26-Oct-17 14:44:32

I do trust him. I just didn't think he spoke like that about women at work n i hate arguing

Mrskeats Thu 26-Oct-17 14:48:40

Men aren’t in a group with the same behaviour-my ex and current husbands may well be from different planets smile
This behaviour, however, is awful. This word banter should be banned imo. It seems to be code for being rude and disrespectful. I would not tolerate this.

Kentnurse2015 Thu 26-Oct-17 14:50:34

Why not tell him you saw the message and how you feel about it?

Shoxfordian Thu 26-Oct-17 14:51:18

Now you know this is how he talks about women, both at work and outside of work, what are you going to do about it?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 26-Oct-17 14:54:15

Absolutely tell him you don't like it and why you don't like it.
It's disrespectful and degrading to women and you wonder how that will affect how he treats you in the future.
See what he says to that.

I too wonder how you treating him 'badly'
I just think a lot more red flags are waving here that you are choosing to ignore!

Slimthistime Thu 26-Oct-17 15:02:11

I don't see the point in discussing it

You see how he talks about women, you know what he thinks of them

time to move on.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 26-Oct-17 15:03:11

So you broke up, he left you (?), because you were depressed?
You weren't treating him right...I also would like to know for what he was finding fault with you.

So now you are back together...and you know the score: you behave to his standard or he is going to dump you. AND don't get sick, or he will dump you.

Please understand that everyone follows certain behavior rules in a relationship, but they are not enumerated on a list, such as civility and respect, these are just a given. Other behaviors can be called out and discussed for a chance to change...alcohol/substance abuse, obsession with a hobby for example.
However, in this case, you are talking about his fundamental personality. He won't suddenly "get it" and do a complete sea change in his behavior to stay with you. Leaving you while you were sick said it all. He isn't going to tolerate your point of view on anything. Confronting him will be a waste of time. Or perhaps not, if he immediately dumps you again, which would be doing you a huge favor. Result, and a lot easier if he thinks it's his idea. wink

You have nothing to feel guilty for. He sees your good manners and nice personality and is using that against you to train you to put up with this crap.

Have your fresh start with someone else.

Oddmanout Thu 26-Oct-17 15:03:30

Normal for young men, yes.

If you don't like it then speak to him, but be prepared for it not to change much - he'd be worried then that he'd look whipped in front of his mates, so you'd be putting him in a very difficult position - not upsetting you but not being seen as a whimp to them.

Not condoning it, but that's how it is for men.

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