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Feel guilty for ending things

(4 Posts)
Emabrmsca Thu 26-Oct-17 10:15:02

I don't know why but I feel so guilty about finishing with my partner. I feel guilty because he will be on his own and have no one with him. I don't know how to stop feeling guilty. We just don't get on anymore and I feel like it would be better to be on my own with dc. Am I selfish? Should we stay together for the children? How do I stop feeling guilty?

NewLevelsOfTiredness Thu 26-Oct-17 11:19:35

Can you see a relationship therapist on your own? My girlfriend and her ex tried it before they split and what it really did was help her realise that his behaviour was unacceptable and she was justified in ending it.

But she still cries sometimes at the thought of him living alone, however ultimately it was a choice she made for her children - she couldn't let them grow up seeing the way he treated her as acceptable etc.

I've met him and get it. He's not an 'evil' person - he has a lot of issues and to be honest life was pretty stacked against him, but he was given opportunities to help himself and didn't roll with them until eventually she couldn't keep trying. But she hates that he's alone, hates that her decision caused it.

I'll say he's a much better dad now to be fair - went from being basically absent when he was there to really making an effort with his weekends with them (and he doesn't even Disney Dad them much - no discipline issues when they come home at all etc.) It was actually necessary, in a way, for his own development because he just leaned on her for everything. My girlfriend's feeling now is that the future joy he'll have from a proper bond with his girls will give him more than she could ever have done trying to fake happiness until they were older while he hid from the stresses of family life.

Obviously it's hard to equate to your situation without knowing how bad the relationship was, but generally no - you don't stay for the children.

Aperolspritzer123 Thu 26-Oct-17 11:46:03

OP you are not responsible for someone else's happiness. I sometimes catch myself doing the same thing for my exh who was EA and treated me like shit!! But I stop myself; I think he actually loves nothing more than being the victim, he has a better relationship with our dc now as he is forced to actually spend time with them and also he is a fucking grown man!! Does he sit there night after night worrying about ME? Doubt it!!!!!
If you start feeling guilty try and recognise the thought processes and stop them in their tracks, that's what I do.

meowimacat Thu 26-Oct-17 12:12:35

Argh I made the mistake of getting back with my ex when I felt guilt. We ended up staying together another 5 years and having kids. We've now split again, and whilst I feel huge guilt over it, I know if I went back I would feel as miserable as before.

Sometimes people just don't work together. Staying together for the kids is the worst thing you can do. You'd be setting them an example that they should settle even if they aren't happy.

He will be okay in time but he is not your responsibility now, your responsibility is looking after YOU and your kids and making sure you are living the best life possible. Hugs xx

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