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Not sure if we have a future

(9 Posts)
wizzyapples Thu 26-Oct-17 08:55:57

I’m feeling incredibly confused.

My husband walked out on me while I was pregnant. He said it was due to constant arguments and I believe no one else was involved.

We started marriage therapy and lots of secrets/lies he has been telling over the course of our marriage, came out during this process. There were also a lot of things I needed to agree to be ok with for our relationship to work and I feel like each sessions there’s some other demand on me whether it’s that I need to be fine with porn, or I need to take the children and give him more space to himself at the weekend.

I agreed to most of this as I just wanted our family back together and he’s now come home.

We agreed to draw a line under the past, which I have done, but as the weeks go on I wonder if too much damage has been done now. I feel like I’m not even sure if I love him anymore. He’s been making a lot of effort with buying me gifts and saying he loves me, but it feels like returning the gesture sticks in my throat. He’s commenting now that I seem down and I try to say I’m not and paint on a smile and make small talk to hide how I feel so he won’t ask me more about how I’m feeling, as I truly don’t know what I want at the moment.

I feel exhausted with the arguments and the emotional impact all this has had and do just want a period of calm so it’s tempting to just plod along and keep the peace, especially as my baby is due soon. I also don’t want to be unfair to him by telling him I’m not happy and don’t feel the same way about him anymore, and that we are over, without being certain.

I knew things would feel different with him coming back but I had expected I would start to feel close to him again after a few weeks/months but if anything I feel further apart from him emotionally than when we had moved out and we were at least rowing over whatsapp.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I really wanted him to come home and now he has I don’t know if I want him. I’m also upset as he seems not at all sexually interested in me, but he is happy to use porn frequently. I wonder if this relationship is dead and he only came back for the kids too. He says that’s not the case but does keep saying how much he missed being a family.

I don’t even know how I work out what I really think/feel about him. But right now I feel more alone with him than I did when he had moved out. It’s so sad as we used to be so close. I loved him so much. I think it’s all now just been ruined.

AlternativeTentacle Thu 26-Oct-17 08:58:05

Sounds dead to me.

fos6mo3 Thu 26-Oct-17 09:02:18

I'd have left by now! Believe me when you have issues and you can't get over them or you kid yourself you have it eats away at yourself.

You deserve better than this!

I could never openly accept porn ! And especially not if he didn't seem sexually interested in me !

wizzyapples Thu 26-Oct-17 11:03:59

Maybe you’re right. I had just hoped it would go back to how it was before with time.

tallwivglasses Thu 26-Oct-17 11:18:04

How could it? You had rules you were pressured into agreeing to. Did your H agree to anything? It all seems very one-sided.

Aperolspritzer123 Thu 26-Oct-17 11:31:41

Sounds like a prize A Hole!!!! What exactly are YOU getting out of this arrangement?? This has actually made me really annoyed!! Fuck him off pronto - you don't need this shit in your life and it sounds like you are perfectly capable of managing without his 'contribution' to the success of your marriage which basically amounts to the square root of fuck all.
He is massively taking the piss OP .

TheGoodEnoughWife Thu 26-Oct-17 11:48:29

It does sound very one sided. And really some things are deal breakers, porn would be for me, so if you agreed to that under pressure or in the hope he would come back round it seems not.

Him not being interested in you, probably because of the porn, would also be a deal breaker for me.

It seems what you thought you were getting back you really haven’t and I think your gut feeling that it is done is probably correct.

RatherBeRiding Thu 26-Oct-17 11:56:28

There were also a lot of things I needed to agree to be ok with for our relationship to work

I read as far as this sentence and thought "it's not going to work".

What did HE agree to for the relationship to work? Anything?

And you should never have agreed to anything you weren't OK with, because that will simply cause resentment. Because if you're not OK with something then you're not OK with it, and although there may be a compromise to be worked out, it really doesn't sound as though a compromise was on the table. Just a Take it or Leave it if you want this to work.

Is this what you really want? Because it sounds as though you're done.

Gemini69 Thu 26-Oct-17 12:01:50

I agree with the others OP... you've made all the compromises ... nothing good can come from this .. I'm sorry flowers

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