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I love him and he loves me but is this hopeless?

(83 Posts)
mumptywumps Wed 25-Oct-17 22:09:45

I’ve name changed for this.

I’m having trouble forgetting a man who I’m totally in love with (and who I know is also in love with me), but who I cut contact with nearly a year ago. This is going to be long ...

I ‘met’ him over 3 years ago, sort of through work - he lives in another country, we made contact, and became friends on Facebook. Over the next year, I came to really love his mind - he is so intelligent and funny, and is weird/eccentric in similar ways to me. We would exchange the odd comment/message. But it never occurred to me to wonder whether I fancy him, maybe because of the distance and also the fact that he’s 8 years younger than me (he’s 35), and I was also in a relationship. Then it did occur to me how attractive he was - about 8 months after my previous relationship had ended. Since he lived so far away and I knew I wasn’t going to run into him in the street or anything like that, I decided I had nothing to lose by messaging him to tell him that I fancied him. He replied and it turned out that he felt the same way, and had done for some time. We started to exchange long emails, and 10 days later we met up for the day in a city that is roughly mid way between his country and mine (he was going to be there anyway for work). We had the most amazing time - he was wonderful, we talked and talked, and ended up back at his hotel room, although we didn’t have sex (I wanted to, but he held off - he said in an email the next day that he was fearful of falling for me). I went home that evening, and he came with me to the airport. We continued to write emails and also instant messages, he told me that he loved me, our messages were pretty constant and passionate. He came to visit me for a couple of days about a month later, he met my kids and was really sweet with them (e.g. kept asking me before he arrived what they liked and trying to think of ways to please them and make a good impression - he doesn’t have kids of his own). About a week after he left, he seemed to withdraw from me. He was less passionate in his messages to me, though we would still message for hours. In retrospect, having read up on this and discussed it with male friends, I think he was probably doing that man thing of needing solitude in order to recuperate from strong emotions - but I went a bit paranoid and interrogatory and he was a bit bewildered. After a few days I got a message from him early in the morning where he basically dumped me, giving the most bizarre and implausible reason - he said he had suddenly realised that he wants kids at some point and thinks it would be best not to be involved with someone who already has kids, even though he loves me. I was confused because we had actually talked about this - I had said that I would consider having another child if he wanted that, so he needn’t think that he would have to choose between getting involved with me or having children. He was grateful for that gesture, but clearly seemed like the thought hadn’t even occurred to him before. (I should say that it wasn’t just me talking about big future plans - he did too, in fact he initiated it by talking about one day moving to be with me.) So, anyway, we broke up for this weird reason and didn’t have contact for over 3 months.

After a little over 3 months, during which I missed him intensely and intuitively felt certain that we would get back together because I knew he loved me and his reasons for breaking up just didn’t make sense, he started interacting with me in an indirect way, by ‘liking’ my tweets. For a few days I didn’t do anything, but after that I messaged him saying that I missed him. He said he missed me too. Long story short (ahem, a bit late for that) we resumed regular contact, though not as intense/frequent as before - we weren’t instant messaging, it was more exchanging an email or two each day. He seemed pretty reserved but I didn’t doubt that he loved me - he told me he did, said that he had a connection with me that he didn’t think he’d ever have with anyone else, and he just showed the sort of interest in me that someone who was faking it simply wouldn’t bother with (e.g. not wanting to out myself, but my job involves writing stuff that he is quite interested in, and whenever I would write something new he would ask to see it, read it straight away, and want to talk about it … even though it was often quite dry and heavy-going stuff that a lot of people would get bored with). Basically we kept up that schedule for about 8 months. During that time I expressed a wish to see him again, but he was reluctant - at one point he said that he thought seeing me again would be very intense and emotional (he didn’t say whether that was because of his emotions or mine or both) and that he didn’t think he could cope with that. But anyway, we did meet up - we spent a couple of nights (with my kids) in a city in another country, and then he came back with us for a couple of nights. When he was with me all of his reservation seemed to go away - he talked about moving here (not a direct ‘I’m thinking of moving to be with you, what do you think?’ but more things like, ‘If I were to come and live here, how would we address practical problem X?’), he kept telling me I was perfect, he was extremely affectionate, we talked for hours and hours into the night, he was amazing and engaged with the children, and we had amazing sex. But when he went home again it was back to his somewhat reserved manner. Then, about a month after he’d left, I saw a job advertised in his country, in a city a few hours from his. Given deadlines etc I didn’t have time to broach this with him in the manner I’d like and had to raise it while he was travelling and jetlagged - but I messaged him about it and told him that if he would move to that city to be with us, I’d apply for it. His reaction was a little negative (he told me that his first thought was that it wouldn’t be a good idea) but he said he thought he should have a think about it. He didn’t mention it again until I reminded him, at which point he said that he didn’t want to. He gave reasons only when I pressed him: he didn’t like that city, he was afraid of not being very good at relationships, he wasn’t sure about the big change in lifestyle that would come with living with and being partly responsible for children. Obviously I was disappointed, but given his manner it wasn’t wholly unexpected. I reassured him without trying to persuade him (I didn’t want to make him feel pressured/obliged). So that was that … except, of course, it wasn’t, because then I started thinking about where all this was going, how I’m constantly dissatisfied with things because I’m sort of always waiting for this messaging relationship to develop into something else and it never does. I ended up getting angry with him about something unrelated (unfairly, it turned out), and that brought my emotions to a head … after I calmed down I explained that I was really unhappy with having this relationship that was based on just exchanging emails each day but not really anything else (we’d spoken on skype too, but only once!), and that unless we were going to make plans to be together properly I didn’t think I was able to remain in contact. He said that he couldn’t do that (i.e. be with me ‘properly’), although it was obvious that he didn’t want us to cut off contact. But I did - our last message exchange was nearly a year ago.

Since then I have thought of him pretty much constantly. I know he loves me, and I love him. I find that, in my heart, I know that we’re going to be together again (or at least I did - I’m writing this partly because so much time has elapsed and nothing has happened, and it’s hard to keep hoping). A similar pattern happened again, like the last time we weren’t in contact: 3 months of nothing, then he started liking my tweets. This time I ignored him - if he wants me he will have to use actual language. He kept on doing it, increasingly. After about 4 months of this I hand-made him a gift and sent it to him with a card that said, ‘stop trying to interact with me on twitter and come and live with me instead. I adore you.’ I know he received it. That was in early summer and he never responded … but he did stop interacting with me on twitter, and also (this sounds really stalkerish) I noticed from his instagram that shortly afterwards he visited both of the foreign cities in which he’d met up with me - they are not places he usually visits. A couple of months after sending that package, I sent him a plain card that just said ‘Come and live with me’. That was about 6 weeks ago, and still no word. I know that he’s not a complete arsehole and that he wouldn’t just not reply out of rudeness of lack of concern - he would put me out of my misery if he wanted that. Then there were a couple of tweet likings again - the first I thought could have been an accident, but after the second I blocked him.

My take on this is that he does love me - I really have no doubt of that. And his reluctance to do anything about it arises from a fear of getting more emotionally involved and losing control. There is also the long distance thing, of course - his work doesn’t particularly tie him to one place so he could do that even if he lived with me, but even so he has always lived in the city where he was born so obviously it’s a big step. The way I see things, he loves me but wishes he didn’t, and so his ‘messaging once a day but not seeing each other’ strategy was maybe to give himself small, controlled doses of me (which he wanted and needed) but without committing to me. So going no contact was the right thing to do, I think.

Occasionally I have tried to forget him - a few times I have joined dating sites and tried to give other people a chance, but I am so uninterested in even the ‘objectively’ attractive ones that I feel bad for wasting people’s time, and anyway all it does is hammer home to me that there is only one person I want. I don’t miss male company in general - I’m content(ish) with it being just me and the children (we have no contact with their father), and if nothing happens with the man I love then I think I will just be single - which I say not in a folorn, can’t-live-without-him way, but just as a matter of fact - that’s just how I think things will pan out.

I suppose what I’m interested here is in your reactions to all this. Do I sound mad/deluded? Does it sound like there is any hope for me and this man? There is, after all, nothing material keeping him from me, and I wonder how long someone can keep away from the person they love by sheer willpower/fear of commitment. I keep coming back to the following thought: all I can do is nothing, and whether anything will happen just depends on whether he can live without me.

Lanaa Wed 25-Oct-17 22:17:04

Wow that’s a long one. I’m going to say this gently, if a man wants to be with you, he will make it happen. This man isn’t interested. The liking tweets thing is a lazy way of keeping the pot boiling so he can pick you up again. Otherwise he is making no effort and actively ignoring you most of the time. You’re worth more than that. Look after yourself and move on.

TanginaBarrons Wed 25-Oct-17 22:17:06

Op, this is a fantasy. You say you "know" he loves you. I cannot see any evidence of this, other than a childlike feeling - his actions have not demonstrated this at all. I'm a bit shocked you dragged your kids into your intense weekend away. I mean this gently, you need to grow up and move on. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

Aminuts23 Wed 25-Oct-17 22:19:48

OP I mean this kindly but this man doesn’t love you. He really doesn’t. You’ve built up a fantasy that doesn’t reflect reality. You sound stuck. You really need to let it go now

Bovneydazzlers Wed 25-Oct-17 22:26:24

You’ve got to let this go. He clear feel something for you but has made it clear it isn’t practical. You say his reasons don’t make sense but it sounds pretty clear cut - he wants children and you’re 43 - not saying it can’t happen but it’s unlikely to be an easy thing to happen even if you started straight away. Sorry to not be the answer you wanted.

Dusktilldawn Wed 25-Oct-17 22:26:41

I don't think he loves you either but Even if he does, he doesn't want to be with you and you have to accept it. He gave you reasons but you didn't listen to him.

I think it was very dramatic of you to say, come and live with me, I adore you. On the other hand, that was also brave and if he was genuinely madly in love with you he would have jumped at the chance to be with you. At least you have made your feelings clear. You couldn't have been plainer.

Ruddygreattiger2016 Wed 25-Oct-17 22:28:29

You sound like a lovesick puppy that dragged her kids into this ridiculous drama. Get a grip.

threadarick Wed 25-Oct-17 22:28:49

Honestly I think you need counselling. This isn't healthy. flowers

wobblywonderwoman Wed 25-Oct-17 22:32:53

That's the longest message I have ever read on here, here five years !!

Anyway.. No way would I pursue this. No way on earth.

Listen to what he has said. He initially said no - he doesn't want a relationship. There is no intuition needed here. It is clear as night and day. This is a fantasy situation - I really don't want to be blunt but come on op. See it for what it is.

MoanerChopsis Wed 25-Oct-17 22:35:19

Google 'limerance'

This is only a love story in your head... Sorry.

Bombardier25966 Wed 25-Oct-17 22:35:24

I decided I had nothing to lose by messaging him to tell him that I fancied him.

Do people still say this when they're 40+? Or even 25+?

It's all very bizarre, and not something you should be including your children in.

Blackcatonthesofa Wed 25-Oct-17 22:38:36

TLDR: has email contact with mforeign colleague. He comes to visit and acts all loved up. Back home he dumps OP. Over the course of more than a year he blows hot and cold. OP is thinking of moving to foreign country with the kids if he'll live with her. He doesn't want that. He doesn't email anymore just likes instagram sometimes. OP sends desperate letters begging him to come live with her. OP feels that he truly loves her. He doesn't respond to the letters.

OP, he just isn't into you. Besides, I don't think that you're the only woman in his life. If a man wants you he will not give up the chase unless you tell him too. Block him out of your life ans find someone who wants to be with you. This man is making you crazy.

Cherryberrypie Wed 25-Oct-17 22:47:22

It sounds like he already has a GF/DP at home and that's why he said no to you moving to his country.

debbs77 Wed 25-Oct-17 22:49:26

I'm sorry......but this man sounds married

springydaffs Wed 25-Oct-17 22:50:11

He's stringing you along. He doesn't love you. He's messing with your head - and you're making a huge story out of this that just isn't there. As a pp said, if a man wants to be with you he'll find a way, any way. He is not finding a way.

You have laid it all out on a plate and he's done precisely zero. He simply isn't interested.

You've got to put the fantasy to bed - the fantasy that he's frightened of commitment blah blah. He isn't remotely frightened of commitment, only with messing with your head.

Take care of yourself lovely flowers

gamerchick Wed 25-Oct-17 22:54:21

It’s pretry obvious even halfway down that this man is attached to
Someone else. Why on earth you haven’t seen this is beyond me!

jpclarke Wed 25-Oct-17 23:01:11

He was having an emotional affair with you but is with another woman.

SonicBoomBoom Wed 25-Oct-17 23:01:34

This is a bit awkward because I don't want to burst your bubble, but he really, really, does not love you. And you're making a fool of yourself. He's made it very clear how he feels and what he wants.

I also think he's in a relationship.

Giraffey1 Wed 25-Oct-17 23:05:14

Sorry OP, I don’t think he loves you. He certainly doesn’t want any commitment with you. Andi It seems a little strange to me that you introduced your kids to him at such an early stage when you couldn’t possibly know where all this might lead.

I think you need to admit to yourself this is not going anywhere. Chalk it up to life experience and move on.

Carouselfish Wed 25-Oct-17 23:06:29

I too had someone I 'knew' would work their way back to me, that we were meant to be together. No other relationship I tried out was without moments of wishing it was this other person instead.
They married someone else.
As others have said, it's the idea of each other you like. From his side at least, the reality isn't what he wants. If he did, he wouldn't have come up with excuses, talking his way out of being with you.
Sorry OP. Star-crossed lovers is a bewitching drama to live out but it doesn't have a happy ending. sad Find something easier and more real.

Pidlan Wed 25-Oct-17 23:08:53

Agree with other posters, sorry. And I reckon that it was a mistake to send that second card after not getting a reply after the first- it would scare me a bit if a man did that to me.
Horrible to pine for someone like that though OP. flowers

Chilver Wed 25-Oct-17 23:12:52

He is already in a relationship. Move on, its not meant to be.

butterfly56 Wed 25-Oct-17 23:14:30

He has given you the brush off so many times but he is probably flattered that you are still anchoring after him. Please, for your own sanity, let it go.
Try and get you head together and perhaps re read your own post a few times all your answers are in there. flowers

Graceflorrick Wed 25-Oct-17 23:15:52

OP, he’s just not into you. You need to move on and focus on what your DC need.

lookatyourwatchnow Wed 25-Oct-17 23:16:56

Oh my GOD stop it! Stop tormenting yourself, STOP involving your kids in this madness, and please seek some therapeutic support because you don’t seem to acknowledge that your feelings and behaviour are not normal or reasonable,

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