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Anyone had experience of dating divorced men/ men who have had log relationships

(23 Posts)
likebeyoncedoes Wed 25-Oct-17 21:19:20

I may sound a little pathetic writing the below. I am a single
Mother and had an awful time with abisive ex for 2 years until inre built mine and my daughters life. I've done well with job/ buying own tiny place and now I've met someone. He's got
Kids and is divorced. He was left by his ex . They where together 11 years and shared many memories as you'd imagine - kids/ holidays / v lavish wedding with v expensive honeymoon etc. I'm just wondering if people have ever been in same situation? Im worried that he can't possibly ever feel as strong as he did for her with me and I'm worried it just isn't as " special". He was v upset when it ended but years on he seems totally fine and gives me
No indication that he feels for her. I just think do people ever get over such lengthy relationships ? He's very lovely and very kind / fun / good company etc. Tells
Me
He loves me/
Is very happy etc.

Chasingsquirrels Wed 25-Oct-17 21:26:27

I'm not male but was with exH for 17 years, from 19 to 36. He left me when we had 2 small children. I was very unhappy about this.
Time moved on, I got together with someone else. He'd been with his exW for 20+ years.
It was a very loving relationship and compared only favourably to our 1st marriages for both of us.

likebeyoncedoes Wed 25-Oct-17 21:27:38

That's good to hear! Glad it worked out with your second partner. I have this way of comparing myself against her in terms of looks / her hobbies etc as somehow thinking in less interesting / intelligent etc . Not good

pudding21 Wed 25-Oct-17 21:33:28

It's a funny old thing, isn't it life. I was in a relationship for 21 years,2 kids, loads of memories. I was miserable towards the end as he became more and more emotionally abusive.

I've been seeing a guy recently he's got loads of experience and had a few longish term relationships. I sometimes overthink and worry he compares me to all his other sexual conquests.

But what I'm learning is not to overthink things. Think rationally but don't let those creeping insecurities get hold. She's an ex for a reason. He's with you. Enjoy!

Chasingsquirrels Wed 25-Oct-17 21:33:54

I think you just have to tell yourself he has chosen to be with you now. His past makes him who he is but don't compare yourself with that.

My exH is still a part of my life as we have children together, he collects them from here, we email about them etc. None of that means that I wanted to be with him.
In truth I'd prefer it if he hadn't split up our family. But my relationship with late-DH wouldn't have happened if that was the case. And I was far happier with late-DH that I had been with exH for several years.

Queenofthedrivensnow Wed 25-Oct-17 21:33:55

I don’t think it’s always an issue. I have a rule about avoiding the too newly separated when dating. 2 + years or longer is best. 6 months or less is a red flag

likebeyoncedoes Wed 25-Oct-17 21:37:31

Yes he was over 2 years and told me he didn't date until after 2 years to ensure he wasn't still upset etc. Your advice on being positive about the here and now is totally right. I guess I just sometimes worry about
Him thinking " I wish I was with exw" but tbh they seem
To get on at drop
Off but she can be unreasonable and I guess that isn't an attractive thing.

weehedgehog Wed 25-Oct-17 22:08:25

mhmm, not sure what you mean by 'she can be unreasonable and I guess that isn't an attractive thing'. Does that come from him? How have you arrived at this judgment?

I would be very wary if he said that about his exw. Very wary.

pigeondujour Wed 25-Oct-17 22:24:30

How old is he? Mine has been married, similar length relationship with ex, no kids though for either of us. To be honest it just doesn't bother me now. If I'd met him at the age I did and he hadn't had a long term relationship, it'd probably be more to worry about, iyswim. Have to agree though with pp who says be wary if he slags off his ex - my DP has obviously talked about the breakdown of their marriage but he doesn't talk about her with disrespect or contempt, I'd have been really put off if he did.

He is very very unlikely to be thinking "I wish I was with exW". People who have gone through the whole divorce process and moved onto new partners just aren't going to be in that space, I don't think. (The obvious exception being men who cheat then realise for whatever reason the grass is very much not greener.) however, don't be sitting tallying points thinking "well she's sometimes unreasonable at drop off which is unattractive so he won't chuck me for her". That way madness lies. It doesn't have to be you vs her in your mind or his or hers.

mistermagpie Wed 25-Oct-17 22:43:46

Not quite what you’re looking for but I was the one who was previously married. I was with ex DH for over a decade and we shared a lot of amazing things and experiences (we didn’t have children though). Our break-up wasn’t particularly acrimonious either and we kept in touch as friends for a while before drifting apart and now haven’t spoken for maybe six years?

I have been married to my DH for three years and it’s night and day. We have a totally different lifestyle to my previous marriage and honestly, I barely think about my ex. I do generally remember him fondly but it’s more like he was a good old friend or colleague who I no longer see. There are no romantic feelings at all. People can and do genuinely move on.

I am so much happier and more ‘myself’ in this marriage. It’s the real deal this time when it wasn’t before. We have a brilliant life and are truly in love. This is what marriage should be like as far as I am concerned.

One disclaimer though - I didn’t have children in my first marriage and I do in this one. Had that situation been reversed I guess I might feel different.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners Wed 25-Oct-17 22:55:03

DH was married before. He divorced her after 13 years, because she cheated and left him for another man, leaving him with the kids. They had the big church wedding (no fancy honeymoon though) and a new build council house that they were the first tenants in. I met him 10 years after the divorce, and things got serious quickly after I fell pregnant a couple of months into the relationship.

While I didn't grow up dreaming of marrying a divorced lone parent, he is without doubt the best thing that happened to me. I was in an abusive relationship before we met, my ex was extremely violent but was my first and only lover so I had nothing to compare him to. DH is his polar opposite.

What matters is how he feels about you and how you feel about him. The past is just that- past. Don't worry about the fancy wedding and honeymoon he had first time round, because they weren't indicative of the strength of the marriage. Do I wish that I could have been married in church and been his first and only wife? Yes, if I'm honest. But when I look at what we have, and the life we have made together, the fact that we had a small registry office wedding pales into insignificance beside the love we share and the bond we have. We own a house together, we have a child, we have a car, we live well enough, but most of all we have each other and that's worth more than any fancy wedding day.

likebeyoncedoes Thu 26-Oct-17 08:00:49

Thank you for all toe advice . Good to hear that others have totally moved on and now feel very happy
In relationships after wedding. Her unreasonable behaviour isn't something he's mentioned it's just that she's often hours late to drop kids off and often ignores her phone when he wants to talk to kids. Just things I wouldn't do to my ex. He's not perticularly rude about her at all.

pinkdelight Thu 26-Oct-17 08:13:41

It sounds more like the issues may be coming more from your own past than his. Comparing yourself unfavourably etc is about your self esteem, which no doubt took a hit with your abusive ex. It's fantastic that you've got away and rebuilt you life and now found what sounds like a promising partner. Keep working on yourself though so that you know you're deserving of a happy relationship. It doesn't sound like this man has any more baggage than most adults who've lived a life. The freeing thing is to enjoy your present (and future) with him instead of fixating on the past. She's his ex for a reason, and you're his DP for a reason. Own it and don't let your ex (or what he may have done to your thinking) undermine you.

Changedname3456 Thu 26-Oct-17 08:31:46

From a male perspective - my exW cheated after 9 years of marriage (and a few more together before that). It’s been some years now and I can honestly say that, once the initial shock and gut reaction to try anything to “fix” things and keep the marriage alive was over, I wouldn’t have gone back to that relationship for any reason.

I miss living with and seeing my children full time, that’s still painful even after 6 years, but there’s nothing I miss about living with her. The rose tinted glasses I’d worn for a long time came off, after a few months. Two years later I met my current DP and realised what a really solid, mutually good relationship feels like.

likebeyoncedoes Thu 26-Oct-17 08:37:17

Yes I think your self esteem points are really true! If you met me you'd think I had very high self esteem but isn't always the case. It's a hard one to build on is self esteem! Thank you for
Your other perspectives too! Glad to see its possible to totally
Move
On from a first marriage

Hermonie2016 Thu 26-Oct-17 09:38:47

If you focus on the ex and try to "compete" by thinking of her positive & negative traits you are in danger of missing any of his red flags.

Also it's important you value yourself as if you don't you ignore your boundaries.

What does he say about why his ex left?

My stbxh was married and they were definitely apart for 2 years (divorce was on that basis) however what he didn't tell me was that during that time they had tried to reconcile so wasn't a clear split.

Perhaps I'm highly cynical and my experience clouds my judgement but please don't rush to believe she more at "fault" than him.Most women work hard at marriages when children are involved and only leave when there is no real option.

likebeyoncedoes Thu 26-Oct-17 11:12:07

Really good point you're right . I must always be alert to that. He says she left as he was a workaholic and that she didn't want to live like that anymore and she was a stay at home mum so
I guess was alone a lot. He takes a lot of Blame for the break
Up but you're right to say that I
Need to be aware of flags

Hermonie2016 Thu 26-Oct-17 12:03:31

I think the key is to value yourself, really feel you are worthy of someone who is respectful, kind and responsible (as well as attractive and fun!) Can you honestly say you feel that?

Once you have a deep conviction of your worthiness you will know your boundaries and enforce them naturally.

If you feel "grateful" he's with you, there is a risk that you tolerate poor behaviour.

Always trust your instincts.I knew something wasn't right with my ex despite lots of good times, he seemed perfect and I couldn't define what made me uncomfortable so ignored it.
Most of it was PA and manipulative behaviours but I was naive.Previous boyfriends had outwardly negative behaviours so easier to spot.

You sound great, very capable and loving..just make sure any partner deserves you and your dd.

likebeyoncedoes Thu 26-Oct-17 12:38:46

Thank you for your words. I do sometimes feel this feeling of not being quite worthy of him. I fear I may come across needy at times. I think I need to just re asses. Stop comparing and get back into things i like doing such as reading / cooking etc instead if pondering things I cannot solve.

Emilybrontescorsett Thu 26-Oct-17 13:14:50

I don't know many people who wish they were back with their ex, myself included!!!
Even though I wish my ex h no harm, I would not want to be married to him again, ever.
I have met my dps ex wife and felt remarkedly comfortable. She wasn't S attractive as I had imagined.
I know that I am much calmer too!

Of course people have memories and my dp has never spoken of bad times with his ex. He said he loved her and in a strange way that is reassuring as it makes me feel he wouldn't go all out for someone he didn't love. If that makes sense.

likebeyoncedoes Thu 26-Oct-17 16:24:02

Thank you . Really insightful. I'm a professional and so is she. But I'm always wondering if in conversation she was more intelligent than me . I wonder if he found her mor attractive. I am
Also envious that she was able
To
Afford to be a sahm and also has
More financial flexibility than me. I don't know why I play these comparison games but somehow
I'm always drawn back to
It.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners Thu 26-Oct-17 20:14:19

I know what you mean. I sometimes look at her and then at me and we are so different - she's slim, blonde and grew up in the same neighbourhood as DH, whereas I am a lot younger, decidedly round, and have a completely different background. But comparison isn't helpful and DH says that the attraction to me is much deeper and we are more compatible. Sometimes the differences make a relationship stronger.

likebeyoncedoes Thu 26-Oct-17 20:29:42

Definitely. He's great and we get on so well. I just hope
I can shake
This comparison nonsense

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