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affair, divorce, other girl

(20 Posts)
googa Wed 25-Oct-17 19:57:15

I was married for 5 years, no kids, which ended last month. I had an affair with a girl in my office for 6 months, at the start it was only friendly talk but developed into something more very quickly. The girl knew to start with that I was married but we still continued. We slept once in the initial stages but after that the girl always wanted to avoid it so never happened again. However I did fall in love with her and told her that, we became much closer over time. However at one point she said she loved me as well and suddenly after that wanted to stop seeing me. Long story short we went through a month of hardly talking to each other but again after that she started seeing me again on a regular basis. She has always said that she dint have any expectations from our relationship and that she wanted to find someone she can settle down with.

All this time I was cheating on my wife so yes that makes me a low person, call it affair fog or whatever but I did feel in love with her. Now couple of months back my wife found out about my affair and everything was hell, worst thing is I cared for my wife a lot, she is a lovely person but stopped loving her over the last year or so. My wife even confronted the other girl and she confessed to what had happened. At this time my wife and I separated for a couple of weeks and the other girl contacted me a few times trying to help the situation and wanting to meet my wife which I refused. Anyways two months of counselling and arguments with my wife, we finally divorced last month. I feel very guilty of doing this to my wife, very lonely as well now but I deserve that, but I also know I couldn't have made her happy going forward.

Now the situation is that I met with the other girl again yesterday and I completely know that she has no expectations to go forward with me in life and she said that clearly yday. She says she feels guilty of spoiling two lives and destroying a marriage and that she just wants to move on start a new life. I still love her and she says she feels the same. Every time I see her at work she always talks nicely to me and having said she doesn't want anything with me yesterday called me to have a coffee today at work (we used to go for coffee breaks quite regularly). She is moving to US in two weeks time for good as well.

Now I don't expect her to marry me as she was clear about that to start with but what I do not understand is that if she doesn't want anything in life for me and the affair ended two months ago, why does she still talk to me, why does she try and be nice to me or send me confusing signal (talk to me in office or calls me in office but doesn't want to after work)..she says she doesn't want to get attached again or raise any expectations as she also went through a depressing time in the last month after what happened. Over the entire affair, she has gone hot and cold about the situation but continued to see me. Now she doesn't want to, which is fine, but why not just say that and not talk at all. I know I need to control my feelings but because I am an idiot and love her and that she is leaving I don't ignore her. Please advise, and please feel free to criticise me for my behaviour, there isn't much lower in life I can be right now. thanks

userxx Wed 25-Oct-17 20:03:56

I think she's feeling guilty which is why she continues talking to you in a "safe" environment at work. She would be a complete cow if she totally ignored you.

Annoyed5678 Wed 25-Oct-17 20:07:12

She's feeling guilty and you were nothing more than a bit of fun but she does love having you as and when she pleases cut all contact and focus on yourself and a plan forward with your life

Piratesandpants Wed 25-Oct-17 20:09:38

You had an affair with a ‘girl’? Please tell me you mean woman and she is over the age of consent. Didn’t read the rest of your post.

CoyoteCafe Wed 25-Oct-17 20:11:02

She was most likely an emotional mess to start with. Why else would she have gotten involved with someone who was married? She doesn't know what she wants, she is afraid of what she wants, whatever.

You had a sane wife, and that was dull, so you got a crazy girl friend. You weren't the first man to do that, and you won't be the last. Sort out your own head. Get counseling if you need it. But you won't be able to have a working relationship with a woman as long as you go chasing after shiny objects, or find the exciting of crazy woman more fun and exciting than the calmness of being with someone sane.

Greedynan Wed 25-Oct-17 20:14:30

Why don't you ask her? If will help you to have answers, that is... she's moving away after all. I know you're feeling very down right now. But with the other woman out of the picture you're likely to have more clarity and be able to reflect on everything that has happened. I'm guessing that you've somehow suppressed feeling about your ex-wife, the guilt and sadness about the end of your marriage...

googa Wed 25-Oct-17 20:15:19

yes i mean a woman and no she i not underage

Finola1step Wed 25-Oct-17 20:18:01

Your timeline makes no sense.

HerOtherHalf Wed 25-Oct-17 20:25:33

What advice sre you looking for exactly? She's been very clear she doesn't want a relationship with you. She doesn't owe you an explanation and nobody here can read her mind. Maybe the whole situation just fucked her up. Maybe you were never more than a bit of light entertainment for her. Maybe she's realised that a cheat is not a great choice as a life partner. Who knows?

You're not the victim here so ffs stop wallowing in self-pity, it's cringeworthy.

SandyY2K Wed 25-Oct-17 21:07:54

She doesn't want to leave on a bad note and to hercircwas probably just fun. She got feelings during the affair, but doesn't see you as long term partner material.

That doesn't mean she hates you. She just would like thingd not to be awkward between you.

C0untDucku1a Wed 25-Oct-17 21:12:32

I imagine you didnt mean as much to her as she said you did. At least you didnt waste mire of your wife’s time. Take some time out of relationships while you decidw what you want

SchnitzelVonKrumm Thu 26-Oct-17 12:39:48

Sounds like you’ve wrecked your marriage for one shag and a load of bullshit from someone who’s not into you. Your poor wife.

Emilybrontescorsett Thu 26-Oct-17 12:52:02

She probably liked you and enjoyed your fun times together
However you are not husband/partner/boyfriend material.
Move on and sort yourself out before embarking on another relationship.

googa Thu 26-Oct-17 20:29:30

Thanks userxx, I don’t understand one thing. If she felt guilty why even try and talk esp if she feels ‘unsafe’ meeting me personally anymore. She can completely cutoff, which i intend to do now. Just don’t like this can’t meet but still can talk to you thing! I asked her today about this and she said can’t explain and dint give any reason

FinallyDecidedOnUserName Thu 26-Oct-17 20:38:40

You are an idiot. She is playing with you.

googa Thu 26-Oct-17 22:18:17

You are right I am an idiot but when we were having the affair she said a lot of things to me such as if I wasn’t married she would have wanted to married me or she would have loved to have kids with me or that she hated that she couldn’t call me after a certain time and so on hence I got very close. Now things are completely flipped that she doesn’t want to see me and wants to get out of everything. Although I understand it’s tough to handle..guess I deserve it with what I did to my wife

honeylulu Thu 26-Oct-17 22:53:05

Sounds like it amuses her to tease you and that she didn't really even fancy you. She had sex with you once and didn't ever want to do it again!
Seeing as she's moving away for good, you don't really need to worry about her any more though.

Greedynan Fri 27-Oct-17 07:43:27

Honestly, I think you were deluded by fantasy. You told yourself you didn't love your wife. 'Stopped loving her' before you met this other woman. I question whether you could actually have addressed this issue. She liked the excitement and the illicit nature of your affair. Now she's faced with the possibility of actually having you she doesn't want to know... It seems that you threw away your marriage for nothing more than a fantasy. Yet you are still ruminating about what she might be thinking. Really, does it actually matter? I feel bad for your ex-wife; you don't seem to spare more than a second thought for her in your posts. I'm glad there are no children in the middle of this mess. And I'm glad your ex wife is out of the marriage. You need to reflect now on why you did what you did rather than stay true to your promise/vows and work on your marriage....

forumdonkey Fri 27-Oct-17 11:07:16

While you were married, you were a safe bet. She gets the thrill and the ego boost knowing she doesn't have to give you any commitment and she gets to carry on with her happy single life. Now you're single she really doesn't want to know and she really doesn't want to be with you and imo she never has. Stop with the confusion, she's hot and cold with you because you were nothing but an ego massage. If she really had any feelings for you, now you're free, nothing would stop her.

TheVanguardSix Fri 27-Oct-17 11:15:40

The wife is gone.
The affair is done.
You can't resurrect a single hope from this situation. All you can do now is move on. Stop analysing. Move on, excruciatingly painful as this will be in the short-term.

You'll find love again but that's not for now. Let the past go. You have no choice but to do so.
Good luck.

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