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to stay with him or not?

(24 Posts)
catley Wed 25-Oct-17 15:14:33

Hi everyone

I really don't know what to do, and I just feel I'd like some insight from people who don't know us personally. This is so long and rambley and I'm sorry.

My partner and I have been together three and a half years. But I just don't know how I feel anymore.

He is a loving, caring, sweet man. He loves me so so much, I never thought anyone would love me this much. I have severe depression and he's always supportive, keeping me happy is his best interest. We have been engaged a year and a half and live in a house which we own together, with two lovely kitties. We've also been trying to start a family for 21 months (which is a complete different story).

He's also childish, refuses to take responsibility for things, and expects me to do everything for him.

He's like two separate people. I love one but hate the other.

Our conversation consists of him making fun of other people, which I don't like doing. Otherwise the conversation is me talking him and playing on his phone, before pretending to have heard what I've said. I don't feel excited to marry him. I like time by myself, and when he comes home from work I'm gutted I have to stop my own thing to do something with him. We don't really have many common interests. There's so many things I wish I could change about him. I've told him on numerous occasions that I'm not 100% happy and he refuses to change. He says I must take him as he is.

Right now, we're going through fertility checks. Every appointment I've been to, which is a lot, I've been on my own. He has one thing to do, and he's just not doing it. He says he wants a baby as badly as I do, then why isn't he running to get it sorted? His excuses are - the doctors are useless and keep messing up, the doctors are only open for three hours a day when we're in work, that he's trying his hardest (but he isn't). It's driving me crazy and I don't want to be the nagging fiancée, but I'm becoming it.

When we argue, which is often recently, his response is always 'I haven't done anything wrong,' and he actually believes that. He is so stubborn, and he refuses to believe that too. He acts like a child (he's 32 btw.)

I don't want to leave him, I can't imagine my life without him. I don't want to have to wait even longer to have my baby. I don't want the cats to not have their favourite human anymore. I don't want to not be an auntie to his nieces anymore.

A week or so ago I told him I was leaving him, I was unsure if I meant it myself or not but thought if I tell him I have to because of how I'm feeling then we'll see where it goes from there. At first he was broken hearted, crying his eyes out begging me to say I wasn't serious. I hated making him feel like that and thought I have to stay with him, I'm overreacting.
When I explained to him that there's only so many times I can tell him I'm unhappy and that if he really wants to stay with me he needs to change his attitude at times, he completely turned. Started huffing and puffing, telling me to leave if I wanted, saying he's never done anything wrong and been nothing but nice to me. And I try again to explain what has gone wrong and again he has no interest in hearing it.
I told him I would stay with him but if things don't change then we will be over. Considering he loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me, he doesn't seem to be making much of an effort. I think he believes that I'll always come running back regardless and I just need to be strong enough to show him I am better than this.

He's the first person I've been this serious with and I can't imagine going back now.

I'm so sad all the time and we can't talk about it because it just becomes an argument. Part of me feels like I want to leave him, I want to meet other people, but I just physically can't, because this is my life and everything will completely change if I do.

I really don't know which one I want. I want to love him and I want things to work out I really do. But this is just going to carry on for the rest of my life. What happens if we do have a kid and then I meet someone else?

Please help mesad

Aperolspritzer123 Wed 25-Oct-17 15:22:29

OP - it sounds to me like you're wasting your life on this guy. I completely understand you not wanting to wait any more time to have children but trust me, it will get worse after. If you feel like you do everything for him and he take no responsibility and never listens to you now, wait til the strain of a newborn hits you. You will be doing it all by yourself. I stayed for 20 years with my exh and had 2 kids. I don't regret staying only because then I am saying I regret my dc when I don't BUT I accept now that I wasted my best years on someone who didn't love me the way I deserved. You're young! You have everything to look forward to and you only have one life - this situation will be exacerbating your depression too...
My verdict is LEAVE. Find someone who really loves you.

pog100 Wed 25-Oct-17 15:28:25

my advice is read back to yourself what you have just written, as if it were someone else. I think you will find it is glaringly obvious that by staying with him and particularly by having children with him you are committing yourself to a life of unhappiness.
You are so unhappy and he has made it crystal clear that he is going to do nothing to make you happier.
You must leave.

fredericapotterslawyer Wed 25-Oct-17 15:30:12

When we argue, which is often recently, his response is always 'I haven't done anything wrong,' and he actually believes that

Yes, my ex-boyfriend used to say that too. Note the 'ex'.

How are you supposed to have a relationship with someone who can't ever take responsibility for anything they've done, can't see things from your point of view, and can't say sorry? All couples hit problems at one point or another - this is just what happens when you're trying to negotiate the terms of a life together - but you will never get them fixed, if the man you're with can't accept he's not perfect. I would say get out now, before you have children. You might feel old, but you're not. You have plenty of time to find an adult, who can handle conflict appropriately.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 25-Oct-17 15:32:53

Definitely leave.
You can start again from now but if you stay in this situation for the next 5 years or more then your chance at a new beginning and kids get lesser and lesser.
You know it's not right.
You should be chomping the bit to marry the man you love.
Problem is, the man you love doesn't exist anymore.
He is showing his true colours.
This is him and this will be your life for decades.
Don't do that to yourself.
Get out and about and enjoy life.
Do you have friends or family you see.
Could you get out for a week or so just to clear your head and see how you get on without him in your headspace?

Aperolspritzer123 Wed 25-Oct-17 15:36:41

Also OP google the 'sunken costs fallacy' - basically that people feel that they've put so much in already that they might as well stay in the vain hope that one day it will all payoff. It doesn't. Start your new life - you might feel scared and you will grieve the relationship that you wanted - not this one - but at least you will be living true to yourself and there is a lot of satisfaction in that.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 25-Oct-17 15:43:01

Leave him. You already know you should. Having a child with him would a massive mistake. Stop talking yourself out of doing the right thing.

Ruddygreattiger2016 Wed 25-Oct-17 15:45:28

Omg if I was your age I would be gone. If he's this childish and happy to let you do all the work imagine how exhausted you will be raising his kids with minimal input from him?? Don't do it to yourself op, run.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 25-Oct-17 15:46:10

The fact that you cringe when he walks in the door says it all.

As far as 'changing him' my granny used to say "A man marries a woman expecting her to stay the same. A woman marries a man expecting him to change. Both get disappointed".

You don't need to be having a child, you already have one! Ditch this big baby and find yourself a 'grown up'.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 25-Oct-17 15:51:24

There's so many things I wish I could change about him.

How can you write that and even contemplate staying with him. At the beginning of your post you say "he loves me so much" and then proceed to write a a novel spelling out very clearly the opposite. He's an asshole, and we don't even have to know him to see it. Perhaps you should read what you wrote, give your head a serious wobble, and resolve to set your standards much, much higher.

Atenco Wed 25-Oct-17 15:53:47

You don't even share many interests, OP. You just sound fundamentally incompatible and as if you have been bewitched by words of love.

K0729P Wed 25-Oct-17 16:10:31

You can't imagine life without him, yet you feel gutted when he gets home and you have to spend time with him?

OP spare both of you the pain of bringing a child into the mess and split up. It will probably be the best decision you will make.

Oddmanout Wed 25-Oct-17 16:23:13

If you feel like this now, don't marry him and don't have a baby with him. You'll regret it for the rest of your life. Marriage and babies don't fix broken relationships, they magnify the cracks that were already there.

You're young, leave now and find someone you can be happy with.

user1471449805 Wed 25-Oct-17 16:23:37

But you already have a child.

SandyY2K Wed 25-Oct-17 16:25:39

Take him as he is, or leave him. He's right about that. It can't be easy living with someone suffering from depression and maybe you need to accept that you aren't compatible.

Marriage to him with the way you feel would be pointless and foolish.... and end up in misery pie divorce.

TattyDevine Wed 25-Oct-17 16:34:07

Sounds like a case of too good to leave too bad to stay...

I think there is a book called that, might be worth a read? Tricky times x

QuiteLikely5 Wed 25-Oct-17 16:43:50

You sounded hooked. In all honesty this will end in disaster just cut your losses or stay and eventually you’ll deeply regret it especially once children are in the scene.

Do not begin to think for a mi ute that he will change. People rarely change and when they do it’s through natural means or through assistance from a highly skilled therapist.

You need to stop trying to change him. He is who he is. He’s not going to suddenly change over night or over the next few months. People are who they are.

A tough lesson but I’ve learned it myself.

KarateKitten Wed 25-Oct-17 16:49:48

You will not be happy with this man. And it's a bit of a tragedy to bring a child into this relationship. If you feel trapped now, I can't begin to explain how horribly wrong this will all go with a baby involved. How emotionally vulnerable you will become. And you'd be tied to him forever even if you do leave. He also sounds petty, good luck co-parenting with a petty man. It will destroy a part of you having to do that.

Think very carefully OP. The person you choose to have a child with will impact you for the rest of your life.

Hermonie2016 Wed 25-Oct-17 16:54:37

In some respects I agree with him.He is him, and at 32 he is unlikely to change.

You don't seem to like him which is fair enough but you can't expect him to be a different person.
If he isn't going to follow through on fertility actions then just ask once and accept it isn't going to happen.

Perhaps he is also having doubts so it's wise to step back from fertility tests.

It's is utterly miserable to chose a father for your children that you know will make you unhappy.Your children will not benefit for your decision.

when a relationship ends there are losses, which is why its heartbreaking however it's never worth staying.You will recover from those losses, it takes time but you can rebuild.

beesandknees Wed 25-Oct-17 16:58:49

There's so many things I wish I could change about him.

Just read that, please. ^

Read it back and think about it.
You do know that people don't change, right? Like... it is possible in theory for people to change, sure. But in practice, it's extremely rare - and most importantly - people only change if they WANT to. Like, really really want to.

Please leave him. You are massively wasting both your own and his time. You made a mistake getting with him, he doesn't meet your needs. Asking him to turn into the person who will meet your needs is simply not the solution, it doesn't work that way.

SandyY2K Wed 25-Oct-17 17:18:28

There's so many things I wish I could change about him.

I'm sure he'd say the same, but he's accepting you for who you are.

If you want to change so many things about him, he's not 'the one' for you ... and he'll only resent you for trying to change him.

I deliver marriage preparation training and one of the things we say to couples is 'are you willing to accept your fiance/fiancee for who they are.'

Take him as he is or leave him. He'll be the one for someone else and someone else will be the one for you.

EnoughisEnough1204 Wed 25-Oct-17 17:51:16

There's a saying " when someone shows you who they are, believe them." It sounds very much to me like he is showing you who he is and you don't like it.

Jellyheadbang Wed 25-Oct-17 20:38:34

He sounds a knob. I've been here more than once. Don't waste your time. He will never be who you want him to be. People only genuinely change if they genuinely want to. He doesn't see anything wrong.

Moanyoldcow Wed 25-Oct-17 20:49:24

Why the fuck do you want to have a child with someone you clearly don't even like?

He's told you clearly he's not willing to change. Move on and stop wasting your time.

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