Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
doesnt feel like a breakup(13 Posts)
Trying not to dripfeed so will include as much detail as possible.
I met my ex in Feb this year. A friend of my best friend. We got on well the night we met, and we ended up sleeping together. I had been struggling with depression, and he had just come out of a 4 year relationship where she cheated (met me about 1 month after this). We had a talk before we slept together basically saying that we needed to keep things casual - no problem, I wasn't looking for anything serious.
He got quite heavy early on, constantly texting and asking to meet up. I was sceptical at first, but because I enjoyed his company so much I let the guards down and by the 3rd month we had become "exclusive". He finally asked me to be his GF in July and we shared a lovely holiday together. He also came to a special event in my life with family/friends.
Things were quite good up until the last month or so. In this time, he started acting like a complete arsehole. He would constantly pick arguments over the smallest things, lie about the smallest things (that he was going home from his best mate's flat next door to me when actually he was leaving an hour later) - pointless things like that which I wouldn't care about. When I confronted him over these things he would blow up, threaten to end things, etc. He ended it for about 3 hours one night, but said this was a "mistake" and he was just getting nervous about being in a relationship again.
Anyway, after this things were going OK. Until he let his female best friend (who herself is in a relationship) sleep in our bed for a few hours after a night out with him. He showed me messages, I spoke to the girl in question, and I did believe him when he said nothing happened. That wasn't what upset me anyway. What upset me was that it's a line you don't cross in a relationship. I went NC for about a week, but after a massive heart to heart he said that all the things he had said about not wanting a relationship were not true - nearly losing me gave him the shock to realise that he was in love with me and he wanted a relationship with me.
I was still upset about the event but he was taking steps to regain trust and so things were okay. He got pissed one night and broke up with me in an awful manner - outside his flat at 3am whilst his friends were upstairs. He was shouting and saying he wasn't ready for this, that he was going to sabotage it with more shit behaviour and that it's best if i left now. So i left.
We had constant phone calls over the weekend it happened, him telling me he loved me but he couldnt give me what I needed, etc., we met up on the Monday and the same things were said. He was crying (never seen him cry) and telling me he was depressed and this was the hardest decision he had to make, etc. We then spent my birthday together and I slept over at his the other night. It was pretty intimate. He kept telling me he loved me, that he cared, that he'd be there for me whenever I needed it, he cuddled me, and we slept together in his bed (no sex) cuddling. Sex nearly happened in the morning, but we both put a stop to it. he messaged me the next day to say he really enjoyed it and it was hard now I wasn't there. He then said he would have to work on the attraction thing and that I was his priority.
My mental health problems are back, which means in the last few months i was very dependent on ExP - obviously not a good mix if he wanted to take things slowly. We discussed this and he said it was one of the main reasons we split. I agree this was an issue.
I'm just confused about what ExP gets out of this situation? I have no family and friends who don't really understand mental health. He said I can move in with him if it makes me feel better, but surely, that's going to be all the negative aspects of the relationship back for him? I am not going to move back in, but i am confused as to why he wants me to?
I don't understand why he wants to help me still, if that's why the relationship ended? I miss him a lot, and would like to get back together, but not now or anytime soon. Friends telling me to go NC, but he said that would break him and I don't think it would help me.
He sounds like too much hard work for such a short relationship! Just end it!
He can choose to sort himself out and be in a better place when you are ready for a relationship or he can choose to be a twat.
Seriously, if that’s the best it’s going to be at the start when relationships are supposed to be fun and exciting, then you don’t want to be with him several years in.
He is all over the place and you are too op.
Depression is not an excuse for treating others like shit.
Tell him to fuck off.
You say you've 'never seen him cry' but then, you've only known him since February, so you don't really know him well at all, do you?
I think he sounds flakey, and like a possible user. Keep away from him. Actions will speak louder than words, if he really cares he will stay on the periphery, not make contact until you are in a better place, and really show that he cares.
It is hard work. I'm so exhausted with it all. But I love him. Really love him. And I feel so alone at the minute with my mental illnesses (OCD, depression, anxiety), and he's the only person who is extending the hand of friendship.
It's difficult because I know he put me in this situation, but he's still trying to help
This relationship is not doing you any good whatsoever. The friends who have advised NC are looking out for you, so he is not the only one extending the hand of friendship. Do yourself a favour and take their advice.
he is abusing your good nature.. stop feeding his Ego and pandering to his pathetic needs and get the hell out of there Lady
I couldn't be dealing with this with somebody I'd been with 20 years let alone someone I'd been with 8 months
It sounds as if neither of you are ready for a relationship. Somebody else can't fix your mental health problems OP, only you can.
It seems as if he's got his own to deal with anyway.
This isn't a relationship it's a mess
He’s not handing you the hand of friendship, he’s taking advantage of you when you are at your most vulnerable. You hardly know the man and you’re playing a dangerous game by continuing this toxic encounter when you are at your most vulnerable.
He’s not your saviour.
You both sound like hard work! He's not ready and your mental health issues have made you clingy. You are massively incompatible. It's been a couple of months - forget it, move on and focus on your mental health.
taking advantage of what though? Why would he even want contact
taking advantage of what though?
Your vulnerability to gain an emotional advantage by blowing hot and cold. You’re in the market for a saviour and he’s up for playing one with a massive dash of hot and cold to keep you on your toes.
Whatever you’re getting out of this encounter, is it really worth screwing over someone you call a friend?
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.