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Things have been going wrong for years, DH has had enough. I need to talk to someone.

(15 Posts)
BeyondNoone Wed 25-Oct-17 12:31:20

I can't talk to people in RL right now, I am barely functioning as it is. If someone offered sympathy I'd honestly break. I can't even be bothered to name change despite this being incredibly outing.

Since ds2 one thing after another has gone wrong, leaving my physical health shit, DH my carer and both of us struggling mentally. Our sex life hasn't been the best since, as alongside other health problems I had a prolapse that often made PIV sex painful. That was operated on last year, but obviously isn't a magic fix cause of the other issues. We still managed once a week ish when I was up to it though.

Neither of us made any secret that we resented the situation, but we're both working towards doing something in the future (DH had to stop working to look after me, but he is studying towards something that would make him happier than his old job -which he hated- anyway, and he could do it from home so he could still care for me). So things are supposed to be getting better.

A few weeks ago he saw the doctor as his depression was back, and went onto ADs. I asked him time and time again if anything was upsetting him and he insisted it wasn't.

Then yesterday he says he doesn't think we should be together any more, as we are little more than roommates. But he thinks it's best that he moves into the spare room so I don't have to leave the kids (I was the one who pointed out that he is primary caregiver and I should leave). So he will still care for me and the house and kids, but without us being "together". I don't understand what he gains from this, it seems he still gets the bad bits that he wants rid of? I have told him how unlikely it is that this would work.

As far as I'm aware, there is no other woman, or anything outside that could cause this. He's just given up on us. I feel utterly broken.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 25-Oct-17 12:36:29

I am so sorry. Do you think that couple's therapy could help?

BeyondNoone Wed 25-Oct-17 12:50:47

I don't know. There's been no row, he can't have made the decision on impulse in the heat of the moment.

He'd been really quiet for a few days, so he'd obviously been thinking about it then. If he's sure enough to tell me, I don't know if it would make any difference if we did go.

Perhaps this is karma for me always advising people that being unhappy is enough of a reason to end a relationship on its own.

BeyondNoone Wed 25-Oct-17 13:36:23

He’s gone to a friends for the afternoon. The house is unbearably quiet

gamerchick Wed 25-Oct-17 13:43:42

It sounds like he’s detaching slowly, give him the freedom to seek the things he ‘needs’ elsewhere without the guilt. Eventually one of you leaving will happen anyway unless you turn a blind eye.

I don’t tend to see councilling as very useful for a lot of things but maybe a third party to help you both speak might. But I agree that once it’s been said it’s probsbly been thought and thought about a million times before that point.

I’m sorry man flowers

BeyondNoone Wed 25-Oct-17 13:49:09

If he wants me to turn a blind eye to him fucking about elsewhere, I would hope that after the amount of time we've been together and all of the crap with my health we have been through together, he would have the respect to say as much to me, himself.

BeyondNoone Wed 25-Oct-17 13:57:11

He's read this. I didn't send it to him, but I know he has.

He gets to walk away while I can't. And I can't even be angry for that.

thethoughtfox Wed 25-Oct-17 14:07:29

This sounds like he is planning to leave you and the children and doesn't want to be the primary care-giver any more. I'm so sorry.

BeyondNoone Wed 25-Oct-17 14:16:06

What makes you think that?

BeyondNoone Wed 25-Oct-17 14:39:04

Now I feel like I can't even offload here because he's watching. Ffs. As if it isn't shit enough to not be able to talk to the one person I tell everything, I can't even talk here.

ravenmum Wed 25-Oct-17 14:56:18

In my experience, staying together but not being together was more upsetting and painful than breaking up properly. Partly as the situation is not clear - might you stay together, might you leave - and partly as you would both probably prefer to suffer on your own and not have the other person there as a constant reminder.

In my case it was him that left, but my son said to me the other day that he has only really got to know his dad since he left. They can have a proper relationship now it is not all dirty looks, sulking and hiding in another room.

How might it work if you split up properly?

(If your OH is reading and there is another woman after all, pull yourself together man, you're doing nothing for your own self-esteem either. It's a form of torture you're inflicting on your wife and children (yes, them too) and you can only ignore the shame of it for so long. Do everyone a favour and make your mind up, then let your wife know what is what so that she can make an informed decision too.)

ravenmum Wed 25-Oct-17 14:59:16

BTW, when you do finally relent, and let the anger out, and tell other people and let them show sympathy ... the world is a better place with the pain out in the open.

Maelstrop Wed 25-Oct-17 15:43:15

Name change, OP, then he can't check.

BeyondNoone Wed 25-Oct-17 16:26:43

I don't mean that he is checking up on me - he knows im on mn and that im upset but don't want to talk to RL people. Checking here isn't a massive leap.

I don't know how it would work to split up properly. I rely on him for so much, i need him here daily atm. In time I could have someone in to help with particular tasks, but I won't be able to get that while he's here, which is part of why he's struggled so much in the first place.

We've been together for all of my proper adult life. Since just after I turned 21. I'm so lost.

Footle Wed 25-Oct-17 16:46:33

You sound very sad. I hope you find some hope somewhere.

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