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Lost it big time on phone - tips for clawing back some self respect

(26 Posts)
Ventiamore Wed 25-Oct-17 11:56:57

After years of stonewalling and misdirection over dp's relationship with a work colleague, he accidentally let a bit of info slip this morning. Something along the lines of whenever they met up (in a group, he said) he felt she was interested in him, paid him attention etc. This is the complete opposite of what he has told me all along. As it happens, over the years he asked me if it was ok if they went out together alone for a shared interest, which i had no problem with. Turns out he shortly afterwards started looking at her as a potential dating partner, which i didnt know. I found out well after the fact that when he moved job a bit after that he kept in touch (in fact, tucked away a letter to keep) and at some point then said to me he wanted to break up, with a view to seeing her. We didnt break up because I was so upset, apparently.
My version is slightly different. I'd asked him if there was anything going on after he spent the night at a mutual work conference. He said no. This was after the social event together. When I came across the letter he said it was the last one she'd written him, as she didnt seem interested in him like that, and he decided the right thing to do was stay with me. He reckoned hed decided to stay because i was so upset, but id found the letter before this, so he has said he'd decided to stay at two different times. Im still confused about that.
Anyhow, I lost my rag on the phone, called her a slag, as she knew we were in a relationship all this time, yet was dhowing interest...Had a go at him for being a liar and probable cheating bastard, etc. V loudly.
This is not like me at all. I'm embarrassed the lovely lady next door heard. I'm embarrassed I've let this snap me. How do i get control of myself and stop being such an embarrassing emotional reactionary idiot??

hellsbellsmelons Wed 25-Oct-17 12:11:15

You end it with your DP and take back control of your life.
Easy really! (that's a bit tongue in cheek)
But it should be that easy.
Why are you still with him?
Do you have DC together?
Own a home together?

AnUtterIdiot Wed 25-Oct-17 12:11:35

Find a partner who doesn't mess with your head this way? I don't see what you have to be ashamed of from what you've said flowers

BastardGoDarkly Wed 25-Oct-17 12:34:19

He's been shagging around. I don't blame you for losing your shit.

You're not the problem, he is, so what are you going to do about him ?

Cambionome Wed 25-Oct-17 12:53:24

Why are you putting up with his behaviour?

HuckfromScandal Wed 25-Oct-17 12:55:01

Dump the arsehole and move on

AnyFucker Wed 25-Oct-17 12:56:42

The only idiotic behaviour you are displaying is clinging on to this obvious cheat

Offred Wed 25-Oct-17 13:10:30

He’s treating you like a placemarker girlfriend. You deserve better.

PNGirl Wed 25-Oct-17 14:39:42

He decided to stay because you were upset, not because he loved you? What a gent. Get rid.

Ventiamore Wed 25-Oct-17 21:10:07

Yes, now married, dc, house, sahm. I'm crucial to enabling his career atm and would be completely fucked over if i left.
All the right words come out at some point PN, just not every time. He has said he stayed because he loved me and didn't want to leave. He should have been a politician, he's that good at twisting what he's previously said.
After yet another argument he has finally agreed that the timeline i clearly remember must be correct (after seeing other corroborating evidence), and a misunderstanding over which letter he was talking about means it does make sense. He's still a shit for glossing over the fact she made him aware that she was interested though.
It worries me that he can make me this frustrated by denying what I remember to be true. I think I would now just look paranoid and unreasonable if everything was laid out - I am aware i can jump to conclusions because I feel i dont get the full story (which i obv dont feel i have!). We are meant to be starting counseling, but im worried I'll be made to look like a mad woman. I need to find a way to stay cool.

Ventiamore Wed 25-Oct-17 21:12:03

Thx for the flowers utter smile

Greedynan Wed 25-Oct-17 21:15:39

I actually think your being pissed is justified. His denial over the years that anything is going on is making you doubt yourself.

C0untDucku1a Wed 25-Oct-17 21:17:38

What do you want to happen next?

AnyFucker Wed 25-Oct-17 21:22:38

Google "gaslighting" op

Stillpissingdown Wed 25-Oct-17 21:27:42

ventamore he is tying you up in knots to the point where you are confused and unsure yet you know something has been wrong.

Two options

1) Pretend he isn't a lying cheat who isn't gas lighting you, some one that isn't turning you in to a paranoid banshee, keep your mouth shut and enable him to flourish while you feel like dog shit.

Or

2) throw a bomb under the fucking lot of it and leave him. If he loses his house, family, career then he shouldn't have been trying to treat you like a dick head.

This guy will have no respect for you know as if you believe this lady lot of steaming shit you must be an idiot.

Either way you choose this isn't going to be pleasant

Stillpissingdown Wed 25-Oct-17 21:32:53

No way would I have councilling with him. He is trying to confuse you. He is s good liar. He will lie all the way through it

annielouise Thu 26-Oct-17 09:42:17

Sorry to say but he doesn't truly love you. She probably wasn't enough for him to leave and rock the boat with his ties with you, the home, the kids but I don't think that means he wants to be with you 100% - otherwise why would he do what he has done. This is not just a one-off mistake, which is bad enough, but calculating and planned behaviour over a period of time.

He clearly earns enough so leave him and divorce him. Why would you assume you'd be "fucked over"? There seems to be too much balancing going on - he weighed up whether she was worth leaving you over and you're weighing up whether the settlement and your life afterwards are worth leaving him over, and it doesn't seem so otherwise you'd have done it by now.

What you want - 100% true, faithful love - isn't happening here, so you decide how much you can put up with or you go and get some self-respect, even if that means downgrading the lifestyle a bit. You've enabled his career. You don't need to anymore.

magoria Thu 26-Oct-17 12:43:14

You know if you enable his career at your expense in 10 years when he meets someone good enough he will dump you without a backwards glance and the minimum he can get away with.

He will have a good career and you will be behind as you have put him first and not protected yourself.

squishee Thu 26-Oct-17 12:54:35

He's a shit, full stop. Why do you believe that you deserve no better?

Cupoteap Thu 26-Oct-17 13:07:36

You can’t get back your self respect whilst you are still with him

User462892925 Thu 26-Oct-17 13:39:50

How would his career suffer if you left? I assume the kids would still be with you?

User462892925 Thu 26-Oct-17 13:40:16

Or kicked him out rather than left.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 26-Oct-17 14:16:45

Eekkk... Not sure counselling together is a good idea.
He's abusive.
You should never have counselling with an abuser.
The gaslighting (abuse) is massive.
Could you find a counsellor that wants to see you separately to begin with?

Madbum Thu 26-Oct-17 14:26:08

He’s using you and thoroughly enjoying having two women fighting over him his ego must be through the roof. You can bring him back down to earth by regaining some respect for yourself and dumping the slimey bastard.

MeganBacon Thu 26-Oct-17 15:06:13

He's messing with your head, and this is how normal sane people react under those circumstances. You haven't lost self-respect by calling him out on it. But if you continue to blame yourself for losing it, and believe him enough to stay with him, then chances are, eventually you will lose your perspective, because that's what being with someone like him does to a woman.

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