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Would you stay for the kids?

(9 Posts)
Incognito35 Wed 25-Oct-17 07:43:19

First time post,I really need some advice.
Quick back ground married young kids, and am struggling.
The problem is not sure I want to be with dh anymore, I know I don't want a sexual relationship and that is part of the problem.
I think trouble started 7 years ago we moved 4 hours away from family (his idea) then after we moved he had 1 job for a week in 4 years! We moved again (again his idea) then he again had 1 job quit quickly. Eventually secured a p.t job and has stayed but I think I still resent the moves then I had to work nights to support us, he left the jobs without talking to me just left then told me!
The sex thing well, that's a biggy, I no longer find him attractive (harsh I know but have to tell the truth) I do it because if I don't he gets in a big strop and moody and I can't deal with the atmosphere. We go on like this then he will say we need to make more effort which means more sex (average once a week) but I am just struggling with it he says no sex means no marriage so I carry on but feel myself resenting every time I do it, I lay there waiting for it to be done. I think maybe if sex got took off the table it might be easier for me to make more effort as everything is always leading up to it.
The reason I carry on with relationship is the kids is it fair on them to break up a family because of me?
I hate the fact I feel I have to have sex when I don't want it, we never have any money (he moans about that but won't do more then 3 short days or stop buying alcohol for weekend £20 worth), I just can't see myself growing old with him but can I put up with this for the next 10+ year until kids grow up? Is it worse to carry on or should I start a new life for me and my kids (he already said if we broke up he would move back to were we are originally from-ironic really! Which means he will quit job and don't know when he would see the kids!) Thank you for reading

ChilliMum Wed 25-Oct-17 07:50:43

I'm sorry in your situation no I wouldn't. From reading your op it is clear he has no respect for you and while breaking up a family is always tough on children, staying in a disrespectful marriage is setting this as a framework of normal for your children.

You deserve better than this and so do your children.

RedBlackberries Wed 25-Oct-17 07:58:50

I don't think staying for the children is a good idea. If you're both unhappy and the relationship has faded out then you'd actually be doing them a favour to end it amicably and make sure they have a good contact arrangement etc.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 25-Oct-17 08:07:07

Start a new life for both you and the kids; do not do your bit here to keep on showing them this loveless marriage which you think will come to an end when they are grown. Doing that will really emotionally damage them going forward and potentially mess up your own relationship with them. They could well in that case accuse you of putting him before them. Staying for the children also teaches them that their parents marriage was based on a lie and its a truly heavy burden to impose upon a child.

What do you want to teach them about relationships; currently you are showing them that a loveless marriage is their norm too. Children can pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken and they likely know far more than either of you care to realise.

Fishface77 Wed 25-Oct-17 08:12:55

What do you WANT to do op?
We know what you don't want.
Do you want to move back near family?
Do you want to be with this man?

Incognito35 Wed 25-Oct-17 08:21:44

Honestly I don't know what I want, I would love to go back to my family but my children are so settled now after a few moves and school changes so I wouldn't want to do that to them and I am OK were we live, have a decent job and I like the area etc just miss my family. I don't know whether I want to be with him still I literally am never on my own to think about things.
I could do with some space to breathe and think.

Fishface77 Wed 25-Oct-17 09:39:17

Your children probably wouldn't suffer if you move back to being with family.
It actually might help to settle them.
You sound unhappy so take out the things that make you unhappy.
1. Move back to where your family are.
2. Leave this awful man.

Apileofballyhoo Mon 30-Oct-17 09:21:48

Incognito hope you're ok. I can't see many positives about your relationship.

ArcheryAnnie Mon 30-Oct-17 09:27:42

Staying "for the children" is never a good idea, IMO. They are learning from you and your DH what a relationship looks like, and if yours isn't a good relationship, well, that's what the DCs are learning is normal and acceptable and what they can expect, too. They are learning what a father is by looking at your useless DH. Plus, of course, they will pick up on how unhappy you are.

When I separated from my ex, a friend said something that has stuck with me ever since: sometimes families are fixed by divorce, not broken.

Is it easy, separating? God, no. It was awful and bitter and a real struggle. But some years on we are all much happier, including my DS, and me and my ex have a much, much better relationship apart than we ever did together. It was totally worth it.

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