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Am I just second best?

(16 Posts)
Secondbesttohim Wed 25-Oct-17 06:26:20

It's not a big problem really compared to others but it has hurt me and it's just gotten worse over time.

I found messages to his ex where they had a pretty long conversation about her love life and how he was very sorry about how crap she had been treated. No flirting but he did this while with me a while ago and yet didn't say anything at the time that he was talking to her so he hid it. He's also blatantly lied in front of me as one of his friends asked him if he was still in contact with her and he said she kept trying to talk to him but he only ever gave one word answers or didn't reply to try and rebuff her.

He does treat me differently than his previous girlfriends too, as in he used to get too rough at times with me, like he'd be poking me for some reason and it would hurt, I would tell him and he'd just go 'no it doesn't' and keep doing it, ending up leaving bruises. Or he'd slap me in what was meant to be playful but hurt and never apologised when I said. He apologises now after I nagged him for ages, but stopping would be better.

He's lied to me a few times, he tries to force me to do things I don't want to do (it's not sexual things, but since I was raped before I met him I hate being forced to do anything so it really annoys me that he doesn't care at all about it). He will shout at me during an argument as well and claims he doesn't, but he does.

I am just second best aren't I? He says he doesn't ever want her or any other girl, but that's not the way it looks to me. If I wasn't second best, why do I get treated like this?

Sorry it's not a huge problem in comparison to what other people go through, I'm just fed up.

pictish Wed 25-Oct-17 06:35:49

I don't think he treats you that way because you're second best, I think he treats you that way because he's an arsehole. He likely did the same to his ex as he's doing to you.
He sounds like a pathetic bully.

category12 Wed 25-Oct-17 06:40:18

Why are you putting up with him? What's he bringing you in this relationship?

MyDearAnnie Wed 25-Oct-17 06:40:28


No, you're not second best. Not objectively anyway.

It doesn't really matter how he treated his exes how he treats you, and whether that makes you happy, is all that matters.

So he...

is rough with you
forces you to do things you don't want to do
shouts at you

I wonder why you don't just dump him?

I wouldn't care how someone had treated an ex, if they treated me like that they'd be gone. But I have very low tolerance for crap behaviour.

Secondbesttohim Wed 25-Oct-17 06:42:36

You are right. I don't have much if any self esteem after my last relationship where I was raped. Just don't get why he does this but it's not worth the depression.

Thermowoman Wed 25-Oct-17 06:46:18

He does it because he is an arsehole. Please get the hell away from him and work on rebuilding your self esteem. No-one deserves to be treated like this.

AdalindSchade Wed 25-Oct-17 06:48:40

You don't need to know why he does it. He does it because he likes it, because he can, because he's an unpleasant person. More important is to ask yourself why you accept it?

ToastyFingers Wed 25-Oct-17 06:50:21

I wouldn't stay with him, regardless of any exs.

You deserve better.

Lozmatoz Wed 25-Oct-17 07:02:21

It’s nothing to do with you being second best, in fact nothing to do with the OW at all. It’s to do with the fact that he is physically and emotionally abusive towards you. From what you said he doesn’t respect boundaries or your consent, abuses your trust, disregards your feelings and coerces you into things that you’re uncomfortable with. And I’m guessing a whole lot of other things... these things usually escalate and become worse and you will, if you don’t already, start doubting and blaming yourself and you could find it more difficult to leave.

You deserve a whole lot more from a relationship than this, and you can find it.

MyDearAnnie Wed 25-Oct-17 07:06:38

I don't have much if any self esteem after my last relationship

I think this is where you need to find your ROAR.

My self esteem is pretty poor, but I am damned if I am letting any man ever treat me like shit. How dare they even try!

What your ex did was appallingly unforgiveable but this is your time now to get angry at anyone else who tries to treat you like shit. Not accept it because that's just how people treat you...

Being in a shit relationship is not better than being single.
Being in a shit relationship does not validate you, your life, your experiences.
Being in a shit relationship does not make life easier.
Being in a shit relationship does not provide compansionship, or support, or love.

Do you have friends? A job? An education? Hobbies? A pet? What is your 'self care' practice?

Ada said that he treats you like this because he can. I was told this a few times by friends: that 'he' treated me badly because he could; because I let him. and I didn't understand what it meant really. I used to find it frustrating because I didn't understand. I didn't want to be treated like this! It wasn't my fault! I didn't let it happen! Until I realised what it meant.

It meant I gave him the opportunity to continue treating me like shit because I was still with him. Because I still went round to his house. Because I still invited him to mine. Because we still moved in together. Because we still married...

It's never going to change. It's never going to get better. He's never going to stop.

Not because of you, but because of him.

Even if you don't believe you deserve better (and it can be hard when you're feeling crap about yourself), you can just decide to make this stop. And end it.

MikeUniformMike Wed 25-Oct-17 07:08:18

Everything other people said. LTA. Leave the Arsehole. You're better than this. He's a twat.

MyDearAnnie Wed 25-Oct-17 07:11:57

Do you have friends? A job? An education? Hobbies? A pet? What is your 'self care' practice?

Sorry, I was going to say focus on these.

When I first came on to MN, many years ago, I came across the concept of being the best version of yourself that you can be.

I'd never encountered it before, but it is so true. Look at the above, is there anything in your life you can work on to improve your self esteem and be the best version of you that you can be? star

Shoxfordian Wed 25-Oct-17 07:13:56

He doesn't sound like a good partner

You deserve so much better flowers

zen1 Wed 25-Oct-17 07:16:02

Expecting an apology when he has physically hurt you is not ‘nagging’. Your low self-esteem, really comes through in your post OP. Please know that you don’t have to put up with being treated like this by this man or anyone. As everyone else has said, you deserve so much better - this man is unkind, cruel and disrespectful. Please don’t stay in this relationship. Take some time out of relationships and spent some time on your own, doing things you enjoy without fearing how you are going to be treated when you get home.

PoorYorick Wed 25-Oct-17 07:21:51

I don't think you're even second best to him, you're just a thing. Really, get rid.

SlatternIsTrying Wed 25-Oct-17 07:31:05

"He tries to force me to do things I don't want to do" - think about that statement. Imagine someone else (friend/ daughter/ sister) saying that to you and what your advice to them would be.

He is not a good person.

Look after yourself.

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