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How to get my ducks in a row(25 Posts)
Longterm poster here, but name changed for this.
My husband has had a porn addiction for basically the whole of our 7 year marriage. I've always struggled with this and particularly with the impact it has on our sex life and my own self esteem. He's forced himself on me in the past, has made comments about how he hates having to come home to me when there are so many other women more beautiful than me in the world, and we've almost never had sex when I initiate (only when he initiates). However, I've discovered a few things today that have finally made me decide to leave him. The specifics aren't really important here; my question is: What does it mean in practical terms to "get your ducks in a row"?
If it's useful, we rent privately - tenancy is in both our names. We have a joint bank account that we both have access to. No DCs. I do most of our filing and paperwork so I have easy access to all our official documents.
I don't necessarily want to divorce him at this point but I do want to officially separate (does that mean something beyond just moving out?)
I have reasonably good family support, though they're very anti-divorce/separation and I know if I speak to them at this point I'll be talked into staying.
Any advice would be hugely appreciated.
No advice to give really, but you are definitely doing the right thing.
He is an abusive rapist op, don't ponder the practicalities too much; just get out.
I would then only make contact through your solicitor.
To be honest, with no mortgage and no kids getting your ducks in a row should be fairly straightforward. What do you want to do wrt the tenancy - do you want to stay, will he, is it affordable for one person? Does one of you earn significantly more than the others, any debts, any big joint purposes?
OP - I think the first step is to see a solicitor, just to understand the mechanics, etc.
Your post is a little confusing, though. It’s not at all clear why you are holding on to this relationship.
Are you hoping that after separation he’d change? And come back and you’ll try it all again.
I am sorry. It’s not an easy place to be. But hope like that is more like clutching at straws.
What are your finances like - do you have any savings, joint or otherwise; likewise debts, current accounts? Etc, joint tenancy? Do you both work full time? Could you afford to rent your own place while you’re getting stuff sorted? (I’m almost 2 years down the line from separation and no financial decision has been sorted yet, it’s not necessarily a short process).
See a solicitor (registered with Resolution ) to have an initial discussion but it sounds like you need to get away from him.
Thanks for the advice, all. It hasn't occurred to me that I might need a solicitor this early in the process. I suppose I've been quite naive in assuming the split will be fairly amicable - he's selfish but not spiteful IYSWIM.
Josuk yes I am hoping he'll change. I really think most of his problematic behaviours have their roots in porn - sometimes he stops watching it for a few months and I can usually tell within days from the change in how he treats me. I think if he could kick the habit once and for all then he might revert back to the guy I married. Additionally there have been no divorces on either side for the last 3 generations so a) the pressure is on and b) there have been a few couples who separated, worked out their problems, and reconciled. So thay gives me hope that it's possible.
We both work full time (now) but have no real savings. Our marriage has been each of us in turn paying for the other to retrain; this month will be the first time we both receive a paycheck. So the plan was to start saving now. I'd probably move into a flatshare at this point so I could build up some savings of my own. I think with no debts, savings or children the practicalities of leaving won't be difficult, I just want to make sure I'm covering myself in case it does turn nasty. I'll look for a solicitor today.
You have very valid reasons for leaving and getting divorced. Just because there have been no divorces in your family doesn’t mean that you have to tread the same path as everyone else and be miserable.
Since you have no savings, children, mortgage or debt it should be straightforward. I would get the ball rolling and start it swiftly before you build up enough savings that you end up handing some over.
OP financially speaking get any spare funds into account in your name not joint and remove any joint account overdraft so that can't be run up
You should see a solicitor for advice
The man has had a porn addiction the whole of your marriage and he's not changed. He's vile saying to you why should he come home to you when there are lots of beautiful women out there.
I can't tell you how much worse this would get once you have kids and are financially reliant on him. When your tummy us big and you have stretch marks etc. His porn addiction will be on speed. And when you're too tired for sex because you've spent all night awake with the baby etc.
The fact that no-one has been divorced in your family is of absolutely no significance. I can tell you as a parent that for me the most important thing is for my children to be happy and definitely not be saddled with a husband like that just because they are married.
You're in an enviable position. You've seen what he's like before you have any real commitments. It would be so easy to leave now. Move on, enjoy life and for goodness sake don't settle for an awful man like that.
Hoping you are in charge of your contraception. See a solicitor. Get your own bank account sorted. Don't expect him to be reasonable. He is abusive (non-consensual sex). He is controlling (won't let you initiate). Be aware.
My niece has divorced twice, the only person from that side of the family to ever divorce. Not one shiney fuck was given, all we care about is her happiness.
And she wasn't being raped by a porn addict. Do you really think your mum would want you to stay in this relationship if she knew the truth?
I come from the same type of family. Was so worried when i told my parents i was divorcing. They said thank god! And were totally supportive. And he was just an idiot, i can't imagine how relieved/happy they would have been if i had told them he was as big a cunt as your husband has been.
Either way you can't live a life of misery because others will disapprove. You're the one being mistreated and abused. Your life, your chance of happiness.
He's forced himself on me in the past...
Right there in the OP Nando
I should clarify the "forced himself on me" thing as I feel like "rape" is quite a strong word for what happened. There have been a couple occasions where he's been very persistent when drunk and I've had to physically push him away from me because he wouldn't take no for an answer, and then I went to sleep in another room (so we didn't actually have sex). There's also been one occasion where he came home drunk and demanded sex, I said I didn't want to, we had an argument, and then I was like "fine, whatever" and just laid there while he did his thing. I've felt quite afraid in these situations, but I don't think it's technically been rape. Apologies for my confusing / overly strong wording in the OP.
Most of the time, actually, our problem is the opposite. I guess because he "sorts himself out" he rarely has enough of a sex drive left over for me, so we have very little sex. Probably once every 6 weeks or so. I used to initiate but these days I don't bother as the constant rejection feels so shit.
What you are describing is ‘technically’ rape. Ergo, your husband is a rapist.
The first 'incident' was sexual assault with intent to commit rape. The second was rape by coercion. What you need to do is ask yourself "What would I call it if this was done by a stranger, by an acquaintance, or by a 'date'. Would you 'downplay it' in those circumstances? It is no different just because it was done by a spouse/partner.
As far as 'ducks'. Based on no shared home ownership and no kids:
1- Sort tenancy. Do you want/can you afford to stay where you are? The easiest thing would be to just move yourself if you can. Can you contact the LL or HA about getting your name off the tenancy? If you're attached to the place, remember that you can't make him leave as long as the tenancy has his name on it and you probably can't get his name off.
2-Review debt. What are you liable for? Joint credit cards, loans, etc. I'm in the US and I know that joint debt liability in the UK appears to be very different in the US so I don't know what's considered joint and what's considered separate.
3-Separate finances. Get your own account and have your paycheck paid into that account. Take 50% of any savings and deposit it in an account in your name. You can choose to deposit an amount in the joint account to cover bills/rent if you choose to. Or you can 'divvy up' the bills with him so each is paying an equal amount. Be aware though, you will need to be sure that the bills are being paid either way.
4-Legal advice. At this point you need legal advice regarding ending the joint tenancy and/or getting him out and what is considered joint debt.
I, too, came from a family where divorce was not the 'done thing'. But my happiness was worth just as much to me as the happiness of the family members who would 'tut' at me. In fact, it was worth much more. They weren't living in my life, I was. And if I was unhappy, it didn't affect them but it surely affected me!!!
5-Stop doing any domestic services for him. No cooking, laundry, shopping, errands, cleaning after him. And NO SEX. As of this moment, you are roommates. He may not be so interested in hanging around once he realizes he's deriving no benefit from it.
I'd look into how to get out of the tenancy, what notice you need to give etc, give notice - and get yourself a place to move to. Disentangle any finances. It doesn't sound like you particularly have shared assets, so I don't think you'd need to move forward with divorce all that quickly. First priority, for me, would be moving out.
1. Remove money from bank account into cash or preferably a sole account. Take no more than half.
2. Tell bank you are severing and it is a domestic relationship that has ended instantly. Tell them no kids involved.
3. Move out.
From a less pragmatic position, your post screams out to me that he is into the worst kind of porn. It sounds as if he is jacking up his thresholds in the short term, and taking time off to consolidate his thoughts and feelings on what he is going through. He is becoming addicted and violent. That is what porn does.
If you told him you did not want to have sex, then he wore you down to surrender, the result is rape in my opinion. He got that idea from porn by the way.
If you're in overdraft, you would need to pay it back before you can get taken off a joint account, but if you're in credit, it's not difficult.
From a less pragmatic position, your post screams out to me that he is into the worst kind of porn. It sounds as if he is jacking up his thresholds in the short term, and taking time off to consolidate his thoughts and feelings on what he is going through.
One of the "discoveries" that made me decide to leave was that he's started looking at some things that are beyond the realms of what I would consider "normal kink" (thankfully not kids, so perhaps not the worst kind of porn, but certainly quite unpleasant). This is a man who, in his twenties, felt embarrassed by his friends' lads mags. I could weep for the guy I've lost.
The concept of him "going through" something is interesting to me. What do you mean?
My love, I know it's hard to hear but he did rape you. Coerced sex is rape. I only labour the point because I think you're minimising and still hoping he'll change. That doesn't matter though. He's treated you appallingly and you are worth so much more than that.
OP - I am sorry for what you are going through.
But - it’s been 7years.
Life is too short to wait that long for someone to change.
And - not like he doesn’t know there is a problem.
And being forced to have sex; the way you were - and still trying to minimise it to make it ok - sorry!!!
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