Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I'm in love with someone else

(34 Posts)
N0Way Tue 24-Oct-17 12:02:07

Hi guys,
I have been married for almost two years.
During the first year of our marriage hubby and I had a really tough time. We had screaming fights and I simply felt that we weren't as connected as i have been with anyone else in previous relationships. It was a really dark time. I was so depressed and didn't feel like I was being treated as well as I could have been. He had major issues about being the 'man' of the house and being respected. I am an alpha female and always have been, and he said to me it was either me or him that would run sh*t. Eventually reached a point where I was broken.
About 6 months ago I started talking to someone online. I'm not going to justify why, it is wrong and I know it. He and I have an immense connection. He is so kind and caring, and we laughed all the time. We talked about everything from religion and world issues, to farts hmm
Whenever I needed him he would be there, even in the middle of the night he will wake up and be willing to call me. Whereas my husband has a rule where I can't wake him up in the middle of the night, and I can't look at him or talk to him in the morning before work. If I bring up a certain issue at the wrong time to my husband he will tell me I ruined his day by not appreciating what he was doing at the time.. if that makes sense.

I was ready to leave at one point. Then things started changing. I'm not sure if I got used to my husband or he is changing, but I don't see the monster I once did. He is becoming calmer, and more caring. He is very supportive of what I do and is suddenly more responsive to me, although I haven't seen much changes in his misogynistic views. He has a good heart overall. And we have a 'comfortable' life together. We are both successful professionals and what we can achieve together is very big. I ended things with the other man, but I still love him. What I feel towards him is something I have never felt before. Now I walk around feeling like I'm missing something.

I just want to know if anyone has been in this situation, and what I should do? Is it the fact that I had something missing with my husband and I filled it with this illusion of the other man? Or am I just a spoilt brat who wants attention? Or do I really love this guy and should go to him?

I'm sorry this is so long, and please i don't want to discuss morality the guilt I feel is already overbearing I just want to know what to do.

Thanks guys

Annoyed5678 Tue 24-Oct-17 12:06:13

Only you can answer who you love, but what is missing is you having your cake and eating it. I think you've got major flaws already in such a new marriage way this is going people will end up hurt and divorced

Bibbidee Tue 24-Oct-17 12:06:42

How long were you seeing your DH before you married him?

Allthebubbles Tue 24-Oct-17 12:09:09

I think your husband sounds very controlling and as you don't have children it would be ( relatively) straightforward to end your marriage. I could not live with someone who told me when to talk to them. I think the other person is almost irrelevant to the decision you need to make.
Good luck sorting it out.

thatdearoctopus Tue 24-Oct-17 12:10:10

Did you not know about your husband's misogynistic ways before you married him?

N0Way Tue 24-Oct-17 12:10:15

About a year and a half before we got married. There were some signs I should have seen. But he is not a bad man. Just very strong opinions.

thatdearoctopus Tue 24-Oct-17 12:11:13

He doesn't need to be 'a bad man' in order for you to end your marriage. It's enough that you don't want to be married to him anymore.

N0Way Tue 24-Oct-17 12:12:17

Yeah

Flossy1978 Tue 24-Oct-17 12:12:49

End your shitty marriage, but don't end it for someone else. The grass is mostly never greener on the other side. Especially since all it has been is in a non reality setting.

You need time to get your head on straight, away from any men.

N0Way Tue 24-Oct-17 12:15:31

Thanks everyone for your responses

Bibbidee Tue 24-Oct-17 12:20:21

OP, was part of your attraction towards your DH based on him being a challenge? Almost two ALphas coming together?

N0Way Tue 24-Oct-17 12:23:37

Maybe. Before him, I would date guys who maybe weren't as strong willed. Slowly I'm coming to realise that maybe I need someone who is a little more chilled and relaxed to balance me out..

Bibbidee Tue 24-Oct-17 12:30:44

Yes I thought so. I think you were attracted to his strength for want of a better word, maybe liked the fact he wasn't a fence sitter but in the times you needed him to be a bit softer, he wasn't there for you so you went outside the marriage to have these needs met?

Crowdo Tue 24-Oct-17 12:32:28

You're probably doing that thing where you rewrite history to make excuses for why you want to cheat.

N0Way Tue 24-Oct-17 12:33:38

Hit the nail on the head. Regardless of how materialistic this sounds, the fact that we are financially comfortable together adds a whole bunch as to why I'm in a dilemma. Thinking of seeking therapy, as I feel like I'm torn.

Bibbidee Tue 24-Oct-17 12:33:42

The thing is, during the time you felt the need to talk to this guy online, was when you should have been sharing your feelings with your DH. I'm not knocking you, it just seems obvious...

N0Way Tue 24-Oct-17 12:34:35

And crowdo I don't want to be in this position. Wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Bibbidee Tue 24-Oct-17 12:36:57

Seems like a power play was taking place here, you guys were maybe each trying to asserting your authority in the relationship? Thing is you've got to compromise in a relationship but with two strong characters who's going to concede?

N0Way Tue 24-Oct-17 12:37:23

I tried to talk to him. When I cried he would tell me I was emotionally blackmailing him. It was ugly. I don't cry anymore

Bibbidee Tue 24-Oct-17 12:38:32

Hey OP, do the quiz

https://checkup.gottman.com/couple/questionnaire/preview

Crowdo Tue 24-Oct-17 12:39:31

I'm not suggesting you want to be in this situation. But it's a common reaction when you like one person more than another to focus on all the negatives of the person you like least, because it salves the guilt.

I suspect you are in a position where it's going to be challenging to see the wood for the trees.

N0Way Tue 24-Oct-17 12:47:48

Thanks Bibbidee
And Crowdo I understand smile

Bibbidee Tue 24-Oct-17 12:49:31

My take is, when you're first married, the dynamics within the relationship is hard for maybe the first year? It takes a while to settle down. I think you were attracted to this guy for his strength because you could see yourself in him. However, when you needed compassion or a softer side, he wasn't there for you and you went elsewhere. Hey, I'm no expert here! I just read shit on the internet so ignore me if I'm wrong! So IMO, I suggest you go for councelling and try to unpick your rationale for choosing your DH in the first place because this might uncover things about you?

N0Way Tue 24-Oct-17 12:53:25

You would make a great councillor. So much help. Thanks a lot smile

Bibbidee Tue 24-Oct-17 12:53:34

Btw my STBXH had an affair and it devastated me and my family. It is the worst thing ever so I'm not condoning your actions OP but after trying to find the answer 'why' it happened to me I learned all about affairs.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now