Please help me/hand hold

[baddreamer]

NC for this one. Bit of background so you understand the situation. Been on and off around 4/5 years. The last break we had was for over a year by which I had a child with someone else, dad not involved.

So I’m self sufficient, own my own house, car, manage money well and he is the complete opposite. He also has a children from a previous relationship who he sees regularly.

When we first got together 4/5 years ago everything seemed fine initially. After a couple of months he began snapping at me for no reason and then telling me it was my fault he was doing it. This turned into him throwing things and getting right in my face calling me names, using information against me that I’d told him in private (about being bullied) no wonder I had no friends he said. Then he grabbed me and got on top of me shouting at me. It got to the point we couldn’t even have a conversation without an arguement so he moved out. (He has moved himself in gradually). Never paid a penny also towards living costs and always borrowing money.

About a month passed and he gets back in contact. We manage to talk about things properly and for a long time everything was really good. We were able to communicate and not argue! Then he got ill with pains in his head so was back and forth to hospital (me taking him whilst also trying to work) he doesn’t drive. Fine no problem but then the problems start again. All of this lead to him going crazy one morning while we had his children to the point he was threatening suicide and I had to remove his children from the house for their safety.

It may be worth noting he has been diagnosed with personality disorder of the narcissistic type which can include him being attention seeking etc.

I tried so hard with helping him with the MH team, trying to keep things positive but in the end it dragged me down to the point that I was getting ill myself so I had to say enough was enough but felt awful for it.

So fast forward to this time. Baby still very young at this point. Wants to see me as friends which very quickly changes into him wanting more.

While we’ve been apart he’s been with various people and lived with them before splitting up.

He says he changed. Told me all the things he’s doing to make himself a better person. Getting himself somewhere to live. Doing his driving lessons. All bullshit! So I start helping with applying for a house with housing association. This is as far as we’ve got. He tried moving back in and I said no it’s not going to work so he’s already not happy with that as the place he lives has no heating or hot water and always complaining. I do let him have a shower or bath at mine a few times a week.

The problem is he’s talking to me like shit again. Jumping down my throat if I don’t agree with his ideas or tell him no I can’t lend him money. I’m on basic maternity pay so already using savings to support myself. I am just feeling used and like he doesn’t actually want me just what he can get from me.

The last few weeks I have been having really bad vivid dreams. Mostly involving me being so drunk I cannot move and feel like a heavy weight (IRL I rarely drink). This is getting to me.

I really need to tell him I can’t continue but I’m worried he will make me feel sorry for him or say things to make me feel bad.

I always wonder if it it really me thats making him like this as I have had a history of relationships like this. I don't want to live like this. How can I stop him having this power over me :(

Please help/hand hold xx

[educatingarti]

Hand holding . You are definitely not making him be like this, although I would not be surprised if this is what he has told you.
If he has a narcissistic personality disorder he will be using you and he will say things to make you feel bad. This is because of his disorder but it is absolutely fine, indeed essential that you say no to him if that is what you want and need. He will find this really hard to accept because npd will mean he doesn't recognise people's boundaries. He will then try and manipulate you to back down. It is important you stand up to this. If he gets aggressive/violent then please call the police.

[educatingarti]

I'm also wondering if you have someone to support you in real life. I has really helped me to have someone to reassure me that I wasn't being mean etc when dealing with a narcissist. It might be helpful to have someone else with you when you tell him not to come round any more. If he continues to bother you when you've asked him not to, you might want to talk to his mental health team or social worker and make it clear that you can't cope with him any more and ask that they try and help him to see that.

[baddreamer]

@educatingarti yes he repeatedly tells me I make him behave that way. Also 5 minutes later he can continue talking as if nothing has happened! He then can’t understand why I’m not happy or being loving towards him - as I’m still upset about what just happened. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells constantly.

My family and friends don’t know that we are even in contact again as I know they would go mad about that after what’s happened before.

I have been to the police twice about him before when he’s threatened me and scared me. I’m not sure he’s still under the MH team or has a social worker in place?

[Butterymuffin]

Other people on here have recommended Women's Aid and doing the Freedom programme for women finding it hard to end a bad relationship. Give them a call.

[Laceup]

For the sake of your child.walk away and mean it

[thatdearoctopus]

How much of this is your child witnessing?

[hellsbellsmelons]

Get all his stuff gone.
Change the locks.
Block him on everything - I mean every single thing.
It's the only way to take back the control.

I've no idea why you keep putting up with this.
Please get some counselling to understand why!
As a PP said - Womens Aid Freedom Programme might help as well.

Get him gone - he's no good for you or your poor DC!
He's a cocklodging narc. Time to stop being that doormat!

[Santawontbelong]

Walk away while you are still physically able. .

[baddreamer]

@thatdearoctopus my child is 6 months and witnessed his shouting on occasion which I have told him to leave immediately and he has. Most of this now is on the phone or happening when baby is in bed.

[BackInTheRoom]

He sounds like a right nutter! Omg if he's a proper Narcissist (not because he acts like a dick) his brain is wired differently and he cannot *feel what other people feel so you're never going to be able to get through to him. Fact. I'd have my running shoes on and I'd move far, far away.

[baddreamer]

@hellsbellsmelons I had previously had councelling the last time we split up before I got pregnant. I found it very very hard to keep him away which I did block him on everything until he eventually found someone else.

Just have to do that again and explain to him I can’t do it anymore.

Thanks for your responses so far 💐

[pog100]

You really don't owe him anything, and don't need to explain. It is plain as day that this man is bad news, not just for you, but his presence is a very negative thing in your life. You need to get him totally out of your life once and for all and mean it! Don't even think about your part in it anyone from outside can see it for what it is, his abuse. If you have anyone trustworthy in your real life, please turn to them.

[educatingarti]

You don't make him behave that way at all. He behaves like that because he has npd and you haven't given him that!
Can you pick one friend who would give you some support in telling him you don't want to see him again? One, who while they might be a bit cross with you for giving into him again, would still help you with some back up?

[baddreamer]

Yes I have a friend in mind who I could talk to. I’m going to see what he says when I ask him by myself first and hope that it’s just as simple as that. Last time I spoke to him yesterday I said I didn’t really want to talk at the moment so haven’t heard from him since. I suspect he will be in contact by end of day.

I’ve also leant him money which I guess I’m just going to accept I won’t ever see again. I’m so stupid!

[educatingarti]

But you know he is unlikely to just give up and go away as his mo is to manipulate and make you feel bad. Maybe get friend back up first to make sure you stay strong? With respect to the money, I agree you will just have to accept you've lost it. You are NOT stupid though. It is so easy to get caught up in the manipulation - they do it because it works! Also, maybe you've been 'trained' to respond in that that way by early relationships?

[baddreamer]

@educatingarti yes my counselling lady seemed to think along them lines. And I have always been someone who seeks approval or ‘do as I’m told’ to please people so could be that also.

[educatingarti]

Could you have a bit more counseling to help with making sure you stand firm and don't let this guy back into your life.

[schoolgaterebel]

People like him will always be bleeding someone dry (emotionally and financially) he is a user. At the moment you are the person he is bleeding dry, when you summon up enough strength to finally get rid of him he will swiftly move onto his next victim.

You sound very loving and generous and a bit of a people pleaser (this will be his type that he will prey on) you are a mum now and need to stand up and be strong for your DC and yourself.

Don’t let him in your home anymore
Don’t make him food or give him money
Don’t answer your phone to him

Every day you haven’t given into him is a victory.

[Winterskye]

Baddreamer

First, I hope you are doing well.
Have you heard of HG Tudor? If not a brief discription he is a narcissist that writes about the way those with this personality see and behave. He is very straightforward with telling those who have relationships what is needed to to go no contact.
His blog is narcsite.com I would encourage at least taking a look at it. Many have found the answers they are seeking. He came to late for my situation yet the information has helped me understand and answer my whys.

[splendidisolation]

Sorry of this sounds paranoid but this part really freaked me out:
"The last few weeks I have been having really bad vivid dreams. Mostly involving me being so drunk I cannot move and feel like a heavy weight (IRL I rarely drink). This is getting to me."

Because it made me wonder if he was drugging you and they werent dreams. Happened to my sister.

[orangeisnothenewblack]

Have a look at Out of the Fog forum. Also BPD Family forum.
The one and only thing you can do to keep your health and sanity is to have not one second more of contact with this man. He will suck you dry in every way. Every time you give him something you are providing 'fuel'. Have a look at the forums and you will see your story replicated over and over again. It never ever ends well

[baddreamer]

@educatingarti yes that might be a good idea to try and get the ball rolling in that direction.

@schoolgaterebel I am really starting to see this is a reality now :(

@Winterskye thank you for your message. I hadn’t heard of them but looked it up whilst eating my lunch. I’ve read a little bit and it’s just crazy how true it is.

@splendidisolation thank you for your comment. He actually hasn’t stayed over for a number of weeks apart from one night. He has been here though but it’s always escalated before bedtime so he’s left. I’m very sorry to hear that has happened to your sister. 💐

@orangeisnothenewblack thank you I will also check these out.

How can people like this be so convincing that they love you? A week or so ago I asked him to actually think about the relationship and where it was heading as I feel like he’s just using me as no one else wants him.
I’ve read up on the NPD again and it’s completely him. He never asks about me or how I am or what I want. Always about him. If he doesn’t get his way it’s a problem and I can’t do that anymore.

I was so happy in the time we were apart with just me and my bump, then eventually baby when they were born. I think he just wanted to worm his way in as he knew I was happy without him. He cries when he thinks no one cares. His family have pretty much disowned him as all he ever wants is money or to borrow this or that. He works full time and money always gone the day he’s got it.

I guess you just can’t help people with this disorder!

[Whinesalot]

You know what you have to do and you just need to gather the strength to do it then have nothing to do with him again.

Then you need to look at why you keep letting men like this into your life. Please think of counselling so that you never let a man treat you like this again.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

I was so happy in the time we were apart with just me and my bump, then eventually baby when they were born

You were happy before he wormed his way back in. Kick him out of your life and be happy with baby again. Please.

His family have pretty much disowned him as all he ever wants is money or to borrow this or that

Even his own family are sick of him! Don't let him leach off you instead.

Someone upthread suggesting finding some counselling to help you get through this - sounds like it might help. Good luck with it all.

[Winterskye]

baddreamer

HGs accuracy IMO is unattainable, when I first started reading his works I wondered if he actually knew the man I was involved with.
I have been on many forums dealing with this subject and found his useful. I wanted their perspective not the perspective of those who study or were involved. Not saying many they are wrong just our perspective and theirs differ.

Bottom line is knowledge brings understanding, which we can make decisions that stops the chaos they bring.