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my family is torn to bits(going back generations)

(8 Posts)
torntobits Tue 24-Oct-17 10:04:49

my ggrandmother lost her mother when she was young.
my gm lost her mother when she was young.
my dm lost her mother when she was just 4yrs.
my dm lost her "special" daughter when she was 13yrs.
my dm gave up on us and life, (4 dd) after losing her dd and dying shortly after..

my eldest dsis met a much older man when she was young, who isolated her, abused her throughout their marriage, she is now alone.

my younger dsis met a much older man, who rules and isolated her.

the younger sibling met an older man, who ruled her .

I met a man 2 years younger, married for 30 years and very happy.

my eldest dd met a much much older man, totally manipulative/ cruel/bully/ who has isolated dd, don't even know where she is living.

my younger dd met a much older man, who isolated her, dripping poison in against what family she had left.

my ds met a much older divorced women when he was young, who isolated him, financially blackmailed /controlled him until he was on his knees.
(he is now alone but a wonderful kind and caring man.)

as I read this back, what part in all this did I play, what did I do wrong, what could I have done to prevent my family being torn to bits??

User02 Tue 24-Oct-17 17:07:18

I have a different lifestory to you but I do wonder why my DC have turned out as they are. I have DGC who are showing traits that are not familiar to me.
My lifestory is longstanding marriages in parents, grandparents, great grandparents and great great grandparents. Children brought up by the actual parents. Everyone well mannered fine upstanding citizens.
I think it might be outside influences

torntobits Wed 25-Oct-17 11:20:35

thank you usero2,
yes, it is strange that my siblings and dc have totally different characters than myself.

their self esteem appears to be limited, which could account for the fact that they all have "strong" men in their relationships.

was it perhaps because there weren't any "strong" men through the generations?

these "strong" men one by one have caused me such heartbreak when one by one my dc have been isolated from family by bullying and control.

or is it my fault that I was "strong" but a women, and they needed a man to "prop" up their lives?

or is it all down to me ?

Apileofballyhoo Thu 26-Oct-17 12:56:46

I've often thought that DC will grow up and find a similar type of relationship to the one they saw their parents have, as that is normal to them, or perhaps a similar relationship to the one they have with a parent - so if a parent is a strict authority figure they may end up with someone quite controlling. But that seems not to be the case with your DC at all. Bad luck?

torntobits Fri 27-Oct-17 10:56:33

i am struggling to accept that not only my siblings but also my dc are not in any way like me either in appearance or character.

as a child I believed I must have been adopted, even rifling through drawers expecting to find adoption papers!

my eldest dc is ruthless, manipulative ,a liar and thief ( despite once being a lawyer).

2nd dc I always "walked on eggshells" around , or if I failed to do as was wanted I would not be contacted sometimes for weeks/ months or even for a period of 2/3 years then carried on as if nothing happened.

youngest dc , almost 50, unemployed, only couple of suitcases of clothes, renting a room.

I accept they didn't have a male role model, a completely indifferent df, who they haven't seen or communicated with for years.

I thought I did well for them, being the breadwinner, providing everything they wanted/needed.

always "being there" for them, yet for decades picking up the pieces of the chaos of their lives.
but at my age, I can't cope with their continual dramas/crisis and abuse.

so have gone nc with the 2 older dc, whilst maintaining what may be a fragile relationship with my youngest dc.

when I look back down the years it is hard to remember the birthdays, xmas etc, without sadness, just wishing it had been a different ending.

even though I have a wonderful dh, kind friends and loving dsis, it's what is missing ,than what I have got, wrong thought process I know, but it is what it is.

Apileofballyhoo Fri 27-Oct-17 19:50:03

So you didn't meet your DH till your youngest was nearly 20?

luckyDuvet Fri 27-Oct-17 20:36:15

Do you really think people can diagnose your whole family's dysfunction based on a few paragraphs on the internet? confused

User02 Sat 28-Oct-17 20:28:33

luckyDuvet - I am not trying to diagnose OPs family history not necessarily dysfunction as you claim it is. I am confirming that sometimes our children do not turn out like us and that we can not allow ourselves to put up with bad situations with children which we would be met with choruses of LTB if it was a husband.
Children can be difficult too.

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