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What should I do

(32 Posts)
packofshunts Tue 24-Oct-17 08:10:53

Bit of background.

BiL (DH’s brother) was married for the 2nd time a year ago.
They had been together 2 years, engaged 6 months.

Last month he told DH that he regrets marrying her, felt railroaded into it, and that they have nothing in common. He will be leaving her “at some convenient point”.

Ok, so that’s sad but not my business.

However what has got my blood is that this has coincided with finding himself someone else, and even being introduced to this OW’s family. He has it all planned out to move in with her when he leaves his wife.

Even more disrespectful (IMO) is that all his friends and family know yet he still hasn’t told his wife.

I feel horrendous for her sad; I am quite sure she doesn’t have a clue.

BiL has a significant birthday coming up and she has arranged a huge party for him. Can just see one of BiL’s pissed mates telling her on the night and humiliating her.

Part of me is well aware it’s none of my business but a bigger part just wants to string BiL by his balls and force him to tell her before this excruciating facade of a party.

DH has tried talking to him but BiL is so emotionally selfish and immature that all he can think about his himself. He doesn’t seem to comprehend at all how his wife would feel about what’s going on.

I like her; she is much younger than him and very sweet. She doesn’t deserve to be treated like this and I so want her to know what’s going on (as I would want to know).

Don’t know what to do

AfunaMbatata Tue 24-Oct-17 08:13:21

I’d tell her. Poor woman .

splendidisolation Tue 24-Oct-17 08:19:15

Without hesitation tell her. He's fucking disgusting for letting uer organise this big party

packofshunts Tue 24-Oct-17 08:25:52

Thank you; not sure why but wasn’t expecting that answer.

Part of me is hoping she does know and is planning a public execution a la Dr Foster!

BiL has always been like this; a boy in men’s clothing. Does exactly what he wants but sticks his head in the sand and ignores the consequences.

Such a dick; am embarrassed to be connected to him.

Annoyed5678 Tue 24-Oct-17 08:53:41

Worst thing you can do is tell her, what if she doesn't believe you? Bil will have a rift with your DH and you, what happens in 10 years time this wife now divorced long gone but you still have to go to family gatherings?being labelled shit stirred?

Yes he's doing wrong but it already sounds a immature marriage, year in he's planning his escape now all you should do is encourage him even more so before this party to come clean

He can be every name under the son but don't wreck your DH relationship with his brother for a flash in the pan marriage. It's his problem and she probably already knows what he's like, so let him deal with it himself

packofshunts Tue 24-Oct-17 09:10:46

A v gentle anonymous note maybe?? I am by far not the only person who knows so shouldn’t necessarily implicate me.

I would be mortified if everyone but me knew that my DH was having an affair and planning to leave

hellsbellsmelons Tue 24-Oct-17 09:39:44

Well I think the worst thing you can do is NOT tell her!
Anonymously is a bit cowardly.
Tell her now though before the party planning gets any further along.
Poor woman.
If it was slightly different, i.e. no-one else knew etc... then slightly different.
But everyone knows.
It's fucking humiliating when you realise this and no-one bothered to tell you.
Believe me - I know!!!

Myheartbelongsto Tue 24-Oct-17 09:49:43

Oh god tell her.

If everyone but her knows she will feel like she has no one to turn to when the shit hits the fan.

You married the right brother op!

Annoyed5678 Tue 24-Oct-17 11:05:50

Why make it easy for him? What happens if he leaves the OW she forgives him? He lies again to her saying your trouble? How will your MIL DIL react stand by you or him? So much at steak when quiet frankly it isn't your problem

LEMtheoriginal Tue 24-Oct-17 11:09:40

On the face of it I would tell her BUT he's your DH brother. You will get nuclear level fallout from his family and possibly even your dh if you do. So for that reason is be inclined to keep out of it.

Your dh should never have told you though because he has put you in such a difficult position.

I'd be inclined to book a holiday for his birthday time.

Downhillatfifty Tue 24-Oct-17 11:15:50

I would want to know.
You know and like this women and as so many other people know it's bound to come eventually so the kindest thing to do is to let her know quietly and before the big party.
That way at least she can have a choice in how this all pans out. Seems like you would be doing her a big favour as he sounds like a complete dick.

BackInTheRoom Tue 24-Oct-17 11:18:12

What Annoyed said. This could go on for YEARS! Let's face it, the secret will come out because EVERYONE apart from the poor wife knows! Surely these people are themselves wrestling whether to tell her? I just don't think it should be you because you have more to lose.

I just wouldn't go to the party because I couldn't be false.

letsdolunch321 Tue 24-Oct-17 11:20:09

What a deluded twat the BIL is thinking the grass will be greener with the new woman!!!

The wife should be told either face to face or anonymously.

schoolgaterebel Tue 24-Oct-17 11:35:47

I’d tell BIL that he has 24 hours to tell her or you will.

packofshunts Tue 24-Oct-17 11:55:26

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t then confused

BackInTheRoom Tue 24-Oct-17 12:04:14

If you do the right thing and tell her, it'll come back on you and your DH. I think id admirable you tell her but his family might turn on you and ostracise you.

Dozer Tue 24-Oct-17 12:08:10

In your shoes I would tell her. DH might well be angry about that, but that wouldn’t be sufficient reason not to tell her IMO.

I would also not wish to spend any time at all with BIL or OW.

packofshunts Tue 24-Oct-17 12:08:48

PiL already hate me so no loss there grin

But certainly don’t want to cause DH any agro in this mess. He is going to talk to BiL today to try and get him to do the right thing.

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge Tue 24-Oct-17 12:15:21

Tell her, anonymously if you have to. Please don’t let her throw him a party, he doesn’t deserve one! Poor woman.

debbs77 Tue 24-Oct-17 12:32:56

If I was his wife I would want to know. Then once I knew I would host the party. And then tell everyone I know. Maybe even invite the OW. Evil!

mindutopia Tue 24-Oct-17 13:04:48

I personally would tell her. I had a situation recently when I was the only person in the family who didn't know something really distressing (nothing to do with my dh, he's lovely, but it involved another family member). A number of family members have lied to me for 9 years now and gone behind my back to conspire to make sure this was kept secret from me. Going through the shock and anger of actually eventually finding out was one thing, but what has caused the most pain was knowing that for all these years people I loved and trusted were lying to me. I think somehow they rationalised it to themselves that they shouldn't get involved, that maybe it was someone else's responsibility to have that conversation with me. I only wish someone had broken ranks and been honest with me. I personally would tell her. She will at least hopefully feel like someone was looking out for her, even if her childish husband wasn't.

TheNaze73 Tue 24-Oct-17 13:17:03

He’s an idiot for steaming in way to quick for marriage, he barely knew her & now he’s having the “oh fuck” regret.

I’d tell her though

packofshunts Tue 24-Oct-17 13:42:01

She proposed to him on Xmas day and he “didn’t like to say no” hmm

DH has had a v brief conversation with him and has been told that BiL will tell her by end of November (pending OW’s arrangements no doubt).

So party still going ahead...DH & I won’t be going. Such a twat, can’t believe how cold & calculating he is about the whole thing.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 24-Oct-17 17:23:02

BIL sounds like a right twat. And a coward. Well done you for wanting to tell her, but agree with others that it might backfire on you. Maybe your DH needs to have a bit of a stronger 'word' with him.

packofshunts Tue 24-Oct-17 20:11:53

So DH spoke to him earlier and asked BiL straight when he is going to tell his wife.
He prevaricated saying probably end of Nov, to which DH said it should be before the party (in 2 weeks).

According to BiL only a few people know (bullshit & one of those so called few is his ex-wife who loves to shit stir & is also going to the party!!).

Incredulously he doesn’t believe anyone would let slip what he’s up to. It’s a car crash waiting to happen and I don’t want to be there to see it.

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