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Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

(595 Posts)
Anonaninanan Mon 23-Oct-17 22:31:20

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

Nandoshoes Mon 23-Oct-17 22:33:26

You definitely did the right thing.

Your son sounds like he has low self esteem so please stay strong and continue to show him he comes first.

I'm glad you left you should be to.

Santawontbelong Mon 23-Oct-17 22:33:41

Ime you will damage your ds forever if you continue a relationship with this man. .

Nandoshoes Mon 23-Oct-17 22:34:20

And sorry who moved with family. Bf or son ?

Anonaninanan Mon 23-Oct-17 22:36:30

My bf moved out.

If he didn't I think my son would have.

inthenameotheweeman Mon 23-Oct-17 22:36:46

You’re doing the right thing OP. flowers Your poor boy.

Show this man you won’t tolerate that for ANY of your children. You have children with him. Is this how he’ll treat them?

Cambionome Mon 23-Oct-17 22:38:00

You did the right thing.

Who is it who thinks you overreacted?

luckyDuvet Mon 23-Oct-17 22:38:01

He shouted at him once, and you kicked him out?

TapasGirl Mon 23-Oct-17 22:39:31

I think you are an amazing mum, totally selfless. Your son will learn a great deal from your actions and you should be proud of yourself.
It must be hard - you love this guy but at the end of the day if he feels that he can talk to your DS like this how will he react the next time things kick off.
I can't advise what you can do with the relationship but I think your DH being out of the house is a positive step.

Cambionome Mon 23-Oct-17 22:40:24

Ffs, lucky. He didn't just shout -as in raised his voice - he screamed and swore in his face!

Are you saying that you think this is acceptable?

Anonaninanan Mon 23-Oct-17 22:41:22

It was more than shouting. He was screaming and so angry.

It was the first time anything like this had happened.

He thinks I over reacted as do his family.

He is a good guy. But I'm zero tolerance now.

It's killing me because I still love him.

Mumof56 Mon 23-Oct-17 22:42:11

What form did your sons huff & puff take?

overduemamma Mon 23-Oct-17 22:42:30

You definately didn't over react. Your son trumps anyone x

GreatStar Mon 23-Oct-17 22:43:28

Fantastic to see a mum choose the needs of her son over that of a boyfriend. Doesn't happen that often. And i for one think you did the right thing. Whether or not anything can be repaired /salvaged only you know.
But you've gave your son such a positive message that you'll always put him first and that he's worth protecting. Amazing

inthenameotheweeman Mon 23-Oct-17 22:43:49

He didn’t just shout, he tried his very best to intimidate her son and it seems he succeeded.

WhooooAmI24601 Mon 23-Oct-17 22:45:21

I think you did the right thing. DH isn't DS1's Dad and I hope to god he'd never speak to him that way. I'd go batshit if he did. There's no way you could allow an adult to treat any child that way no matter how huffy and teenage his behaviour.

flowers OP, it must be so difficult. I think all you can do is grieve and let yourself feel sad at the loss. Introducing someone to your DCs is a huge thing, even more so when you then have to ask them to leave their lives.

Anonaninanan Mon 23-Oct-17 22:45:23

What form did your sonshuff & pufftake?

He walked off when I was talking to him then I called him back and he said 'alright' in a sarcastic tone.

It wasn't a major thing. I don't understand why it happened.

Pithivier Mon 23-Oct-17 22:45:34

You did the right thing. We all get hacked off with our teens times, but a grown man getting in the face of a 16 year old is crossing the line. It seems he revealed his true colours.

LunaMay Mon 23-Oct-17 22:47:11

You've glossed over a lot of what your son was saying to you but wrote down every word your ex said? My dad/uncles/gran had plenty of goes at me when I was being disrespectful to my mum. Typical teenage behaviour doesn't mean you just suck it up

Offred Mon 23-Oct-17 22:49:20

Well of course his family think you overreacted! You didn’t BTW. He chose to make himself into a safeguarding concern when he chose to square up to your 16 year old.

You have done the right thing.

I know it hurts but he can’t live with you after that.

Helga55 Mon 23-Oct-17 22:50:34

Is it possible that your OH reacted that way thinking your son was/was going to treat you the same way as your abusive ex? And wanted to prevent that from happening?

In no way do I condone what your OH did, but now you also have two small children without a father, as you said, he was a good dad, surely to ask him to leave for breathing space and a view to work on future behaviour with a trained professional would have been a possibility?

Anonaninanan Mon 23-Oct-17 22:52:08

I was moaning at my son about not looking hard enough for a job. He walked off. I called him back and he said 'alright' in a sarcastic way.

GreatStar Mon 23-Oct-17 22:53:28

His family are defending him just like you're defending your son. The difference is he's a grown man that can certainly hold his own and throw his weight around. Your son is no match for him. And your sons now internalizing and feeling it's his fault. It's important he doesn't feel to blame xx

inthenameotheweeman Mon 23-Oct-17 22:54:14

"dont fucking speak to me like that, that's out of order, you better start to show me some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attitude then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you".

If he got in the OP’s face and said the above, would that have been acceptable? Surely not? So why should it be okay to speak to her son like that?

stopbeingadramallama Mon 23-Oct-17 22:55:31

Of corse his family are gonna sit there and stick up for him but you did the right thing.

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