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Not sure what to do

(19 Posts)
Fedupwithallthecrap Mon 23-Oct-17 21:11:14

I have NC for this.

DH and I have been married for 8 years, together for 15.
We have two DC aged 2 and 5 and basically things have gone to shit between us.

I have mental health issues; severe anxiety and diagnosed OCD.

DH has never really supported me with this tbh. He works very long (14 hour days sometimes) and is pretty much always at work. I look after the DC, take care of the home and I also work PT as a Teacher.

Things have been bad between us for a while. There is little respect from either of us and we take each other for granted. I recognise that.

DH is what I would call a Jekyll and Hyde type person; one minute he is the most wonderful man and the next he is utterly vile. Cruel, abusive, vindictive and downright horrible.

This has been going on for years.

Currently, I feel like I am slowly losing it. I am barely eating, sleeping, I lose my temper frequently ( pushed to breaking point by DH) - I retaliate and then I get told by him I am 'mental' 'I need help' etc

It feels like he sets up all the bullets so to speak and I then fire them. He then sits back and laughs at me. Frequently telling my children " she's mental" "she's nuts " etc

I feel as though I am going slowly mad. I am a shadow of my former self. I can't remember the last time I went out with friends or did anything for myself.

I live for my DC. If it wasn't for them, I am
Not sure what I would do.

I don't take medication for my mental illness and I try to deal with it myself.

I don't know what to do. I can't live this life but I am so sad at the prospect of not being with my DH anymore.

My DH won't go for counselling or anything like that . He doesn't see that he upsets me or that he shows me zero respect and love.
In his eyes our arguments are all my doing. I am to blame with everything.

I feel so weak and pathetic. Surely I am worth more than this.

No one else knows a thing about this. To the outside world everything is fine, which it really sometimes is. Until the next time.

Please, can anyone give me any advice.

Greedynan Mon 23-Oct-17 21:25:14

Huge hugs to you. I feel so bad for you. I can completely understand that the thought of not being a family is upsetting for you. But this relationship sounds like it's making you ill. Have you heard of the phrase 'gaslighting' ? What he's doing sounds like gaslighting to me. Right now I think you need to focus on your mental health, getting stable. For your sake and your children. I think the relationship can be worked on later. Sounds as though the way he treats you is exacerbating your symptoms. Is there any chance of a separation just for a short period to give you some breathing space? You're doing amazingly to care for your children, yourself and work PT too xxx

Aquamarine1029 Mon 23-Oct-17 22:27:45

Your husband may refuse to go to counselling, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go. If you're not already, I strongly recommend it.

lollipop7 Mon 23-Oct-17 22:37:45

This is heartbreaking.

Definitely emotional abuse of some form which is now of course legs,LG part of the definition of Domestic Violence.
He is systematically eroding not only your self worth and peace of mind but your children’s estimation of you. Utterly toxic and ultimately HE is the one with the real issues not you.

I would call Women’s Aid. See your GP. Get a free half hour with a solicitor WA recommend in your area who can give you as much information and resources as possible in this time and if you can afford it beyond. Have you not got a close friend to confide in and offer some emotional support? How old are the children?

You don’t have to endure this you have rights and you will be listened to. He won’t stop and won’t change as he is in the grip of this urge to abuse and control, to diminish and disenfranchise you completely. The only way to stop this is to break this iterative process.

So sorry for what you are going through. I know what a living hell it is. You aren’t alone and you will get lots of support and great advice here. I have.
Stop blaming or doubting yourself. You are stronger than you think to have endured this. The cruel person is in fact the weak one

pudding21 Mon 23-Oct-17 22:54:04

Op I was you 3 years ago. I left finally 8 months ago. Tonight I sat down and felt happy and excited for the future. It's been tough but I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It's no way to live, your mental health is suffering. When you think it's time, it's time. Start making plans even if just in your head. Good luck.

SandyY2K Mon 23-Oct-17 23:17:45

See your doctor for help and support with the MH issues. Then I would recommend counselling for yourself.

In the meanwhile, focus on your children and yourself. Don't engage with him beyond what is necessary and maintain a brief civil level of communication.

Excuse yourself from the room when you sense he's starting to agitate you. Make yourself busy and unavailable for him to disturb you.

Do things with your children ... (without him), show them you love them and there's nothing wrong with you.

The above will all help you emotionally detach and in time it will be easier to walk away.

Fedupwithallthecrap Mon 23-Oct-17 23:57:41

Thank you to you all for your replies and kind words.

It has taken me months to pluck up the courage to post.

I have been completely ignored since Saturday morning. He spoke to me really nastily again on Friday, in front of a member of his family. Again, he called me "Fucking Mental" and loads of other stuff. It all started off because I had moved some things on the dresser that he had put down. It's really weird but the words hurt so much that my mind seems to forget what he has said to me. Almost like it's blocked out what has happened. It has been going on like this for ages.
He also spat at me in the kitchen on Friday, calling me a cunt and this was because I told him that there was no way I was going to stand for him belittling me in front of his family member. ( I had closed the kitchen door out of earshot). The family member who incidentally laughs when this happens as DH used to do this to me in front of this person before the children were born. Why the fuck I didn't leave him then I don't know.

Saturday morning comes and I tell him enough is enough. I wasn't sure that I meant it but I knew that I just could not allow myself to be put down like that. Bad enough him doing it to me but not for someone else's pleasure too.

Fast forward to last night; he had disappeared all day and returned around 8pm. He seemed to be in high spirits; whistling and he was very upbeat with the children. He called me pathetic and again said I needed help as I was nuts. I never replied. It was in front of the children.

I have to take this hour by hour right now. I alternate between feeling so strong and brave to a then sobbing wreck five minutes later.

I really want to reach out to someone in RL too. I feel like I need to. I am a massively private person and I am so embarrassed by all of this.

I just want to be happy and, more importantly, I don't want my babies growing up in this unhealthy and damaging environment.

It really is so horrible.

Apileofballyhoo Tue 24-Oct-17 00:01:25

You may find your mental health vastly improves when you are no longer in a relationship with this person. He's destroying you.

Tatiannatomasina Tue 24-Oct-17 00:12:40

Please think about seeing a lawyer and getting a divorce. You are so much better than this life you are living. If you get rid of him see how you feel and try medication if you need it. There is no shame in standing up for yourself or asking for help. Its time to go.

Fedupwithallthecrap Tue 24-Oct-17 00:25:57

He also hits me. Not a lot but when I respond to his nastiness. Punches in the head, slaps around the face and things like that.

It's all my fault he says- I pushed him to it.

His favourite phase that he frequently uses is " cunt of a woman ".

It's just one big fucking mess and I am so upset writing this down on here as I have never said anything about it before.

I have tried so hard to be the best Mum
and Wife that I could be.

I have faults and am not perfect, but I really don't think that I deserve this.

RedastheRose Tue 24-Oct-17 00:35:32

Definitely emotional abuse, actual domestic violence. He is showing signs of narcissistic behaviour, look up the red flags. Please please get I touch with women's aid and have a confidential chat with the dv officer at your local police station this will put his behaviour on record for the future should you need it. Go and see a solicitor to find out where you stand financially if you leave. Please don't stay as this is affecting your children. Do you want your DC's thinking that this is the way a husband behaves towards his wife.

Chunkamatic Tue 24-Oct-17 00:41:18

I would imagine that your mental health problems are caused by the abuse that you are suffering. He's done a real number on you. Get out. This won't get better, for you or for your kids. flowers

Cherryberrypie Tue 24-Oct-17 00:43:22

Please get your kids and yourself away from this vile man. Don't waste any more time trying to 'make this work' it won't. Go to your GP, get some counciling and prepare yourself for a happy single life. Your life and health will improve immensely once you are away from this monster. Flowers for you OP

Cherryberrypie Tue 24-Oct-17 00:51:34

OMG just read your update OP. Please act today, get far away from him and stay away. YYY to calling the police, he should not raise his hand to you and get away with it. You need help, please reach out for it. Lots of helpful advice from PP.

notapizzaeater Tue 24-Oct-17 00:53:10

Get away, quick, he sounds unhinged.

The next time he touches you phone the police.

Are you in rented accommodation ? Mortgage ?

Start getting things in order and make plans to go

Greedynan Tue 24-Oct-17 07:07:00

Gosh. What an awful man. You need to leave. Contact women's aid. This is domestic violence. I'm so sorry. Xxx

lollipop7 Tue 24-Oct-17 07:31:16

He is cruel to you, insults you, tries to turn the children against you AND he hits you.

You have to leave. While you can.
One day he will do more that slap you around the head. It will happen.

Call WA now. That phone call will start the ball rolling. It did for me.
How old are your children, and how many do you have?

Leave for them if you can’t for yourself. By growing up in a volatile, toxic environment where their father abuses their mother they are in grave danger of repeating these learned and observed patterns. I know you don’t want that. Be strong for them.

Let your love for them prevail not their father’s legacy of violence and hatred.

And keep posting. We are all here for you, willing you on. 💐

pudding21 Tue 24-Oct-17 09:29:12

One of my final straws was my ex spitting at me and calling me a cunt in front of the kids. Your update says he is also physically violent. You do not deserve this. I have reflected on why I put up with so much for so long, and I don't know why. I was very young when we got together. I think to myself, if I met a new guy now, and he did any of the things my ex had done that upset me they would be out the door straight away. You don't need to put up with it.

Watch your log in on here, cover your tracks, but please, start making plans to leave. Work out what and how you can do it. And remove yourself and the kids form this toxic enviroment.

if you relationship is like mine was, there would be moments when things were good, but all the incidents started piling up and I just couldn't ignore them anymore. He still thinks our relationship was good. He still maudles and laments over it. He is in total denial. I honestly think he would block out all the shit and how he treated me so he didn't have to deal with it. You are not a verbal or physical punchbag, you are a human being who deserves respect.

Please get support in real life. And keep posting.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 24-Oct-17 09:47:55

0808 2000 247 - call that number right now.
You need to get out and you need to do it very very very soon!
Your poor DC being witness to this.
This is abuse of them too.
Social services can also help you as they consider it child abuse and they will do what they can to help you get yourself and your DC away from this vile abusive bully.
Please also call 101 and ask for their DV contact.
Tell them everything you have told us.
It might feel impossible but with the right support you can get away.
I'm assuming your upbringing wasn't a good one so you may not have any family support around you.
If you do though, talk to them now and get their support to get you away from this.

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