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Slowly Losing Faith

(13 Posts)
Greedynan Mon 23-Oct-17 21:02:42

Hi all. Advice needed please. DH has a well payed job and his employers are flexible. He works from home a majority of the week and this is great for our family. We have a 2 yo in nursery plus one in primary school. DH does the school run and I do the nursery run and work FT too. DH is v unhappy in his job. He's been trying to change career and has spent a lot of time and money on studying. He's been doing some casual hours for another company in the field he wants to move into, using annual leave from his main job each week. So his foot is kind of in the door. Meanwhile I've been using up my annual leave to cover school hols. I have also secured a new job where I'll be working from home in order to prepare for the possibility that a permanent job opportunity will come up for him. In recent weeks he's started commenting that he can no longer carry on doing his job. Hes v unhappy. He's done a load of financial calculations and wants to put our (significant) debt onto our mortgage to reduce our monthly outgoings. The other day he suggested proposing to his employer that he go freelance, which will mean an approx £20k drop in annual income. This evening he's come to me with a proposal that he pull our 2 yo out of nursery to cut out the nursery fees. He wants to care for our 2 yo at home, freelancing whilst she entertains herself (haha). In the evenings I'll be dealing with our children so that he can catch up on work. I said that I think he's being unrealistic. I suggested he change nothing until our 2 yo turns 3 and that we wait until we get the free 30 hrs of free childcare and then he go freelance. He lost his temper and said he's tolerated years of me putting hurdles in the way of his career.

I've had years of him making comments of that kind of nature.

I'm pretty much getting worn down by this kind of shit.

Am I being selfish?

Dobbyandme Mon 23-Oct-17 21:18:13

I don't think you're being selfish OP, just practical. As a SAHP, I am 100% sure that he won't get more than two hours done max, but they won't be solid hours,it'll 10 minutes here and 5 there.

You've made changes that can only benefit his career and he's essentially thrown that in your face. So on that note, I'll repeat, I don't think YOU'RE being selfish.

Of course it's tough to be stuck in job you hate, but 20k is a significant drop even to high earners, and all his proposal will do is increase your debt load.

Dusktilldawn Mon 23-Oct-17 21:27:34

I think he should try it for one whole day and have a wake up call.

Greedynan Tue 24-Oct-17 07:14:01

Well things have gone from bad to worse. He's adamant that I'm trying to put hurdles in his way and says I don't care about his 'suffering'. We had an almighty row last night and he said I'm resistant to change, I'm selfish, a nasty person. In the end I just told him to do whatever he wants. Things got pretty unpleasant. I'm tired of being perceived as some sort of obstacle to his career progression.

Dobbyandme Tue 24-Oct-17 10:14:57

Tbh OP, I would class that as emotional abuse. He's not get exactly what he wants, he throws a tantrum and insults and you "don't care about his suffering", until he gets what he wants.

Is your relationship normally like this?

Greedynan Tue 24-Oct-17 10:56:15

Hmmmm. Yeah. He's bullish. His parents indulged him a lot. I'm 1 of 4 siblings and my mum was a single parent. So I've learnt to accommodate others and not assert myself. He's the opposite. It's a problem. There are lots of good things about our relationship. But his arrogance and selfishness is very tough to tolerate 😏

Dobbyandme Tue 24-Oct-17 13:49:27

I think the thing you need to ask yourself then, is do you want your DD learning that mummies do as they are told and are only there to make other people happy, or do you want her to learn that mummies are people too?

It sounds harsh, but the reality really is that your DD will one day cotton on to this, and she'll either expect to walk all over you, or in her own adult relationships she'll expect to be walked all over. She will only learn by what you do.

Furthermore, it's not something you should be 'tolerating', and just because you are not assertive does not give him the right to dictate. What about big decisions later on? - schools, houserules? What if his freelance work eventually means a big relocation and you get no say?

And what about the person inside of you that is not just a wife/housewife/mother? Surely she matters as well.

I suggest that a very serious conversation is needed between you and DH, and if this 'problem' can't change, the relationship probably needs to.

Greedynan Tue 24-Oct-17 14:01:14

You're right. Thank you. My family have all noticed a problem. And the relocation thing has come up. We already relocated in part to care for his elderly parent. Back to our hometown, meaning a more support and a slower pace of life but still. He's also talked about us relocating to places like china and NZ for his career. A lot of his talk is hot air but I've expressed reservations and I get accused of being resistant to change. It's really really tough trying to challenge somebody that's so bullish. He is literally never wrong and you could argue with him until you're blue in the face. Usually it results in me losing my temper and then he accuses me of being 'an angry person'. I do have my moods but so does he. Thank you fur your advice though. You're absolutely right. Xx

Dobbyandme Tue 24-Oct-17 14:05:41

He is literally never wrong and you could argue with him until you're blue in the face. Usually it results in me losing my temper and then he accuses me of being 'an angry person'.

This is not normal. I personally wouldn't be sticking around because I'm worth more than that. I really hope that you see you are too.

Walkacrossthesand Tue 24-Oct-17 15:19:14

Greedynan, are you 'living with the dominator' ? Google the phrase and see.

whatsavings Tue 24-Oct-17 20:31:06

He wants to live off you & has no intention of being an involved SAHD.
His plans are to achieve an easy ride at your expense.
Do you really think he would do full-time childcare & run the household?

Tell him if he feels you are putting hurdles in his way, by all means to leave and achieve career fulfilment.
Concentrate on separating yourself financially from him, don't allow him to push all the debt onto the mortgage & don't accept responsibility for any future debts he runs up. Safeguard any savings you have & consider your next steps. Get hold of all important dox, passports & any relevant financial papers in case money suddenly goes missing.

I think you're heading for life as a single parent, do you currently live near your family or could you consider moving closer so that they can help you?

Greedynan Tue 24-Oct-17 20:51:56

I looked at the 'living with the dominator' stuff. Some of it defo resonates but hes no where near as abusive or controlling as some of the descriptions. I wear what I like, go out with my friends, have mini breaks with friends, we pool our income and have an equal amount to spend on leisure each month, he's great with our kids - v involved. When I compare my situ to some of the DV posts in this forum I realise that things are no where near as bad as they could be. He pulls a bit of weight with the domestic stuff, usually when he's been asked. He's great in the garden and cares for his elderly parent too. So he's not an all out nasty bloke.

His behaviour is much more subtle and difficult to label. He's domineering and selfish for sure. He's not romantic really. I get the odd compliment but often he'll criticise my parenting. He's a bit of a purist, so if I let the kids have too many sweets or to he'll be making comments. His tone when he speaks to me can be really condescending if we're rowing. It's probably low level emotional abuse.

I want to try to address it. I'm thinking couples counselling. I think me being more involved in our finances wouldn't be a bad thing either. Thanks for all your replies.

Dobbyandme Tue 24-Oct-17 21:13:18

That sounds like a brilliant plan OP. I hope it works out.

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