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How to talk to my husband? (TRIGGER WARNING)

(24 Posts)
SkaPunkPrincess Mon 23-Oct-17 20:56:03

In July of this year I found out I was pregnant with what would have been our third child.

I never planned anymore and my husband had a vasectomy after the birth of our second child we were so certain.

I was late, I'm never late. I had an old pregnancy test in the cupboard and I took it one morning laughing to myself about how it will be negative and il likely get my period tomorrow and there is was. a positive test.

I was utterly devastated. I don't think iv ever cried so much in my life. not even when i lost my nan.

I knew I couldn't do it and DH was fully on board and supportive of me. pregnancy has a bad effect on my mental and physical health and I just did not want anymore children.

I made the appointment with BPAS the next day. during the two week waiting period I had so so many ups and downs I changed my mind 100 times. we had a hellish two weeks trying to be normal for the kids. we talked and talked but in the end I went through with my appointment.

I felt immense relief. I believe it was the right choice for me.

but I am now having so many different feelings. for the most part I am ok, but tonight I feel sad and teary and I see my baby every day in my minds eye.

I feel guilty and I feel sad and since the day of my appointment we haven't ever talked about it.

I can't bring myself to do it. I feel like I don't have any right to grieve over this baby but I don't know how else to cope with my feelings.

I want to tell everyone that he existed and that he would have been beautiful but I can't. I am so ashamed of what I did.

If circumstances had been different, if I thought we could have coped then I would have had my baby. we both would have loved and wanted him.

I don't want to rake it up and upset my husband but I feel like it's driving a wedge between us and I don't want that.

help me work out how to be brave and start a conversation. sad

GerrytheBerry Mon 23-Oct-17 20:59:39

You could show him this post because it explains perfectly how you feel. I am sorry you went through that and that you're feeling so bad about it now. It sounds like you made the right decision at the time which is all you could've done.
I hope you manage to talk and get through this.

Dobbyandme Mon 23-Oct-17 21:03:04

Oh OP flowers and a handhold.

You did what was best for you. Regardless of the circumstances of your loss, it is still a loss and you have EVERY right to grieve it.

How about just asking him to hold you for a while, and then you can cry a bit, and then start talking when you're ready?

Offred Mon 23-Oct-17 21:04:47

Of course you have a right to grieve. The two things can exist at the same time; the decision to terminate the pregnancy and the grief over it’s loss.

I agree re showing your husband this post.

SkaPunkPrincess Tue 24-Oct-17 06:21:31

I just don't know how to make peace with both in my head though offred I made the decision so how can I justify being sad about it?

OnTheRise Tue 24-Oct-17 09:01:31

It does sound as though you did the right thing. But that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to have feelings about it. Treat yourself gently, allow yourself to grieve, and talk to your husband. Tell him what you've told us.

Offred Tue 24-Oct-17 09:26:42

You don’t need to justify feeling sad.

That said it is entirely understandable and completely rational and totally justified that you would feel sad.

You made the decision that was best for you. This could only ever be a ‘best of a bad lot’ decision because you never wanted to be pregnant in the first place.

The decision to terminate was based on you not wanting to get pregnant but you still lost a baby and like most women who have lost a baby you need to grieve.

It is not only ok to grieve the baby after a termination, it’s often fundamentally essential.

Lolalovespugs Tue 24-Oct-17 10:09:42

I went through this in June, I posted about it in pregnancy choices it's under Broody after termination.

Me and DH haven't spoken in depth about it, he has said since that he would have liked another but didn't want to push it as I was so upset and freaked out. I don't think it would have changed my mind at the time though. I was adamant I didn't want to be pregnant.

I still feel sad about it, I still don't understand my mindset at the time. But I don't think I made the wrong decision.

I have been playing around with the idea of trying again to try and atone for it but my period was a couple of days late this month and it just reconfirmed that I made the right decision.

You are allowed to feel sad, why don't you just open up a conversation with that. "I still feel sad about it, how are you feeling? "

Myheartbelongsto Tue 24-Oct-17 10:17:24

I had an abortion in my very early twenties that almost finished me off. Like you it was the best decision for me at the time but my God the feelings of guilt were just awful and made worse because I stayed in the relationship and went on to marry him.

I think you need professional help op. It helped me massively.

I remember at the time my boyfriend said he felt relieved that I had terminated and then in an argument shouted "you flushed our baby down the Thames".

Please talk to someone x

troodiedoo Tue 24-Oct-17 10:23:15

You made the right decision, but that doesn't mean it's not an awful shitty heartbreaking decision to make. Don't fight the feelings, allow yourself to grieve.

flowers it will get easier.

wineandworkout Tue 24-Oct-17 10:24:26

No really useful advice, but ❤❤❤❤❤

I agree with PP that showing him your post here would be ideal.

And go to your GP. Perhaps you can get referred for counselling.

wineandworkout Tue 24-Oct-17 10:25:45

"I remember at the time my boyfriend said he felt relieved that I had terminated and then in an argument shouted "you flushed our baby down the Thames"."

Jesus. I'm sorry heart. That really is appalling.

NowApparently Tue 24-Oct-17 11:31:26

You don't need to justify being sad over making a decision that you felt was right for you. Just because you made a decision doesn't mean you automatically turn off the 'what ifs'.

Yesterday marks what would have been the 8th birthday of the child I chose not to have - every single year at the same time I have a week of feeling like utter shit but it's usually not until a few days later that the date will occur to me. I don't actively think about my choice all that much anymore, it took me a long time to become alright with what I'd chosen to do. It gets much, much easier though. I promise!

I now accept the reason I didn't have the child was for the best, I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant and with a very abusive man who virtually made the choice for me. A couple of years later when we broke up he had the audacity to snap at me that I'd murdered his very much wanted child despite having told me to 'get rid or fuck off out of the house' when I found out I was pregnant - out of everything he ever did to me, that is the one thing that made me hate him more than I ever thought possible.

Sorry for the essay, that was quite cathartic.

SkaPunkPrincess Tue 24-Oct-17 11:44:50

I have copied and pasted my OP and sent to him via email.
I feel so sick and worried I don't want him to worry about me.

part of the problem is I never mean on others, I'm normally so strong and lol after myself.
it's so hard to let others in even my husband but I am getting tired of dealing with this alone. I can't tread water for much longer sad

Dobbyandme Tue 24-Oct-17 13:51:57

He might surprise you. He might need to grieve more openly too and may not want to make you feel guilty.

Well done for taking that step, it's a big one I know.

I hope he responds the way you need flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 24-Oct-17 14:15:22

Well done OP, that was brave. And you may find he feels sad about it too. And yes, of course you are have a right to grieve. You made what you felt to be the right decision for yourself and your family. Try and be kind to yourself and stop beating yourself up with guilt. I hope this opens up the conversation your want with your DH.

SkaPunkPrincess Tue 24-Oct-17 20:09:48

As soon as we all got home he just held me tight. I love him so much. I had to tell him to stop though because I almost cried and the kids were still about. He is at work now and tomorrow evening so I hope we talk a bit more about how we are both feeling on Friday.

Dobbyandme Tue 24-Oct-17 21:11:19

OP that's a wonderful update. Thank you. You've crossed my mind more than once since you last posted. At least now you aren't alone and don't feel like you have to be alone.

picklemepopcorn Tue 24-Oct-17 21:16:47

I’m glad.

Sometimes you go for the least worst choice. It doesn’t make it good, just not quite so bad.

flowers

N0Way Tue 24-Oct-17 21:50:07

This is so beautiful. Regardless of the terrible circumstances, when you two come together you will get through anything smile

SkaPunkPrincess Wed 25-Oct-17 10:22:51

I feel a bit stronger today, like some of the weight has gone. I feel a bit silly for being so worried about telling DH how i feel. I think that it's wrong that women who have abortions are made to feel this way by society about what is a very difficult choice. no one does it for fun. I wish it was different, but I'm not brave enough to tell anyone else (only DH, my manager and a very close friend who has been through the same know) I can't even tell my mum, she would judge me hugely.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Wed 25-Oct-17 14:55:50

Great outcome OP. I hope you can talk properly and get everything out in the open so you can both move forwards.

Dobbyandme Wed 25-Oct-17 16:23:11

Abortion isn't for everyone. FWIW I'm one of those that really don't think it's ever something I could do - bear with me on this because it's anything but judgy. Not for any other reason than I am not strong enough, and it must take a great strength. A strength you probably don't even realise you have right now. But that strength will be what carries you forward from here. In my view you have done an incredibly brave and selfless thing.

Forget everyone else, this is about you and DH. No one else.

And don't feel silly about being worried before, everything you feel is entirely normal (even the worry that turned out unjustified).

Footle Wed 25-Oct-17 17:03:05

You and your DH are courageous people. You’ll come to terms with decision.

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