What makes someone a good husband? I've been thinking about this a lot recently. It's just DH is so demanding of me yet I feel I get so little in return. I never used to think of a relationship in such calculating terms, but I know he does- see below. I've spent 6 years being a SAHM to let him concentrate on his career. I do all the cooking, most of the housework (we have a cleaner and he'll occasionally load or unload the dishwasher), all the washing, all the admin, pay all the bills (with his money). He'll do shopping if I give him short lists. He'll take the kids to do activities at the weekends and occasionally will help with school lifts. But whenever he does anything he makes a big deal of it, like I owe him one. Most weekends, once he has transported the kids to to their activity and back and walked the dog (if he feels like it), he'll sit around watching sport and taking naps. I get some time to myself too, but I still have to do all the cooking, washing, gardening etc. and put up with his "well, how shall I spend my brownie points then?", by which he means he wants sex. And frankly, sex is not at all good for me and after 14 years together I have given up hope it ever will be. If I'm honest to myself, I don't think he cares how good it is for me, so long as he gets it. He is not good with people - often rude and abrupt - sits in a different room watching TV when we visit my parents; he doesn't really have any friends but can charm people if he likes them and finds them interesting. I can't entertain because he offers so little help (and with 3DC, job and stuff around the house, I don't often have the energy) and we are rarely invited anywhere. He lies to me about little things eg. how much he spent on his car, what the kids have eaten, how much he has had to drink.
The upside of this marriage, I hear you ask? He earns very well as he has a very successful career, lets me decide (on the main) how we spend the money and I have full access to his account; he is occasionally nice to the kids, he makes me laugh sometimes, can be charming when he wants to be, is loyal (I think) and wouldn't cheat. He provides me with companionship when I've finished all the chores. But actually, I think even given these points, I feel he takes more from the marriage than he gives. I don't feel valued or cared for. I am increasingly resentful and I don't want to continue having unsatisfying sex. He responds by becoming cold, helping even less, trying to bargain with chores. I went to a counsellor who told me to go back to work. I'm now working full time (on a third of the salary I had pre-children), but nothing has changed: the last 2 weekends I've put up a list of 3 chores for him to do on a Sunday: each weekend he has done only 1 of the 3 - basically the underlying message is I like it or lump it.
What do I do? This is the tip of the iceberg - there are other things, like his inability to deal well with stress, drinking too much several nights of the week (he's not a nasty drunk though), shouting and swearing at the kids if they don't do as they're told first time. I asked him to see a counsellor - he's been 2 or 3 times but says he doesn't have time and there's nothing wrong with him. If I insist, he gets angry and tells me to stop nagging and says he's stressed enough without something extra to do. Am I being unreasonable to think he is not a good husband? I can't spend another 15 years like this! What do people think? Thanks for reading!
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Relationships
What makes a good husband?
TherealMrsBloom · 23/10/2017 17:55
God it is so depressing what utter crap women will endure for fuck all return. Do yourself a favour and just leave him op, being single is a million times better than what you have with this tosspot
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Thank you everyone for your comments and advice - they are much appreciated. I’m sitting in the car about to go home so can’t deal with individual posts but I am thinking about them. I am working full time but flexible hours (the only position I could get) but he is making it difficult for me so no chance of doing anything pressured/long hours as I used to. We agreed he would work at home 2 days this week to take our children to a course (and I would cover the remaining 3 days). He ‘phoned me at work after he’d dropped them saying I’d utterly fucked him, he was under so much stress and was under suicidal levels of pressure because, he said, he couldn’t work from home due to WiFi problems. All my fault. Later in the day he called me and shouted down the phone telling me I treat him like shit, like I am repulsed by him and I only see things from my own side, that I don’t support him, that I clearly don’t like him and so I shouldn’t expect him to be nice to me. I pointed out that I had taken a career break of 6 years and did his washing and cooking still and wasn’t that support? but apparently that isn’t for him and I’d have to do it anyway for the children. 
. The “back story” to this was I was crying in bed last night, worrying about our marriage and what would happen to the children. He asked me why I was crying, gave me a hug and then started groping me. I asked him 3 times to stop and when he finally did he retreated to the other side of the bed without a further word. He hardly spoke a word to me this morning and left with the children without saying goodbye. He is punishing me for withdrawing from him and when I tell him I don’t feel loved or valued he simply turns it around and says he feels the same. In the past, I have tried to keep the peace but I’m sick of pretending everything is fine when it’s just not. I have spent the day feeling anxious and tearful at work and now I have to go home to face the cold shoulder or worse. Thanks for reading my rant!
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