Reconciling with cheating H

[Leftforemotionalaffair]

I may be one of the dumb women here who forgive a cheating H too easily but here goes. H had an emotional affair and we briefly separated. Their “relationship” is over (mutual) and we are considering reconciling. He is still in “withdrawal” from her, is depressed and anxious which is very hurtful to me and makes me wonder if I am a total fool for trying. He also says he loves me, is sorry it happened, sorry it hurt me and doesn’t know why he is feeling like this right now or why he is so confused. I know all cheaters say this so maybe I am being tricked. I am trying to be understanding and really want it to work for a lot of reasons but his doubts have me having doubts. Strangely we have also connected in a way we haven’t done for a long time since their relationship ended and have talked about what happened (an intense emotional connection with a lot of highs and a lot of lows/drama). I don’t really know what I am asking but need to get it out because it is so emotionally draining, one minute it feels we are going to be great, the next he is clearly pining for her and is miserable.

[Aquamarine1029]

If you want to try to save your marriage and both of you are willing to put in the work, I think you should. However, I have doubts that you will be successful unless you go to counselling. You need a mediator to help guide you through your emotions because it is nearly impossible for either of you to be objective. There is too much pain, loss, and confusion on both sides. Words are cheap, so don't allow your husband to string you along with the things he thinks you want to hear. He is either 100% committed to fixing your marriage or it's over.

[Dozer]

Sounds like “hysterical bonding” and that he only wants you because it didn’t work out with OW. Chances are low it’ll work out. Has he taken full responsibility for his actions?

[Dozer]

Also, let him pine alone.

[MotherOfTwoDragons]

Why do you want to reconcile with someone who is clearly emotionally invested elsewhere? You are right to be concerned. He should be devastated that he nearly lost you, not pining for her!

[inlectorecumbit]

Until he stops pining for the OW l would not consider getting back together with him.
Only when he has her totally out his system can you begin to work on your relationship.
Give him space to get over her then YOU decide what YOU want to do.

[Santawontbelong]

Why would you agree to be his second choice?

[Leftforemotionalaffair]

He has taken full responsibility and has been to individual counseling already and is continuing to go, plan is to do counseling together too by maybe we have got ahead of ourselves and he needs to deal with his mental state first. The pining is compounded by guilt and depression over what he has done to me/our family and has him in a fragile emotional state.

[FeloniusGru]

My H had an emotional affair and we decided to stay together. Like yours, he took full responsibility, was thoroughly remorseful and was willing to do anything to make it better. For various reasons, I didn’t want to give up our marriage without trying to forgive. He went to the doctor and was diagnosed with severe depression which although no excuse was part of what drove him to the affair. He had treatment, sorted his own head out and then we went to marriage counselling. He also left his job and cut all contact with the OW.
It was the hardest few months I have ever been through, there were days I didn’t think we would make it but eventually the good days outweighed the bad. We are now very much in a better place and I think we will make it. If you really want to make it work, he needs to commit to doing everything he can and you need to give it lots of time, it’s not going to be easy.

[Leftforemotionalaffair]

FeloniusGru- mine has also been diagnosed with depression (which I have long suspected) and has begun ADs. How were the first few weeks for you? I feel like we have come a long way but he is still in a funk and clearly grieving the kids end of his fantasy. It was fantasy and he can admit as much but it was so powerful that erasing it is causing this much of a struggle. All that leaves me feeling stupid for trying even when he is also saying all the right things

[FeloniusGru]

The first few weeks were awful. I had also suspected depression for a while which he had refused to acknoweldge. When he finally admitted he was unwell I felt like we were able to start making amends but it was a long time before the ADs took effect and he was very very low for a while. I felt as though he was grieving for her although in reality she could have been anyone and as you say it was really just grieving the ‘fantasy’. It’s been approximately 6 months since he began treatment for his depression and he is a different person - he is back to the man I married and I am glad that we have stuck it out. I hope things start to improve for you soon too.

[Myheartbelongsto]

There is absolutely no way that someone cheats in you because they are depressed!

Sounds like he doesn't know what he wants to be honest.

[Dozer]

So he cheated and now has you worrying about HIS health and wellbeing while he pines for “the fantasy”?

What’s in that for you?

He should focus on his health and fulfilling his responsibilities, ans should he wish to do so once he’s well, seek to win you back. You could focus on your health and may or may not wish to consider the relationship.

[Santawontbelong]

Where in the facts about depression does it state it involves dipping your penis into places you shouldn't?

[AnyFucker]

How is openly pining for OW doing everything he can to save your relationship ?

He has no respect for you and you have no respect for yourself if you are willing to stoop so low

Get yourself to the Chump lady website, pronto

[BackInTheRoom]

OP, have a read:

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

www.gottman.com/blog/askgottman-affairs-answers/

[HeavenlyEyes]

So he is unfaithful and now you have to pity him because he is depressed? Blimey - he has done a great number on you hasn't he? Surely you should be depressed by his affair and he should be running rings round you trying to fix this - not the other way round?

[Leftforemotionalaffair]

I know it sounds bad, he is not blaming depression for what he did or using it as some kind of excuse. He is depressed now and in counseling. I am trying to be supportive in hope that we are able to figure things out, it is hard to hear part of the depression is caused by the end of the relationship but it was a powerful fantasy. They did not sleep together, weren’t even together in person, she lives overseas. It was all text/phone/Facebook message even though that is just as bad.

[Dozer]

It’s manipulative of him to seek support from you - and perhaps want you to play the “pick me dance” when his current angst is due to his actions, that have hurt you much more. It’d be better for YOUR health to have much less contact and decide about the relationship if and when he’s willing and able to fully focus on you, rather than himself, and seek to make amends. Right now he’s continuing to be selfish.

[jeaux90]

Stop trying to show how cool and supportive you are. Just be bloody cross with him instead.

I never understand all this trying again malarkey. And him rubbing his pining in your face. Jeeeesus.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

He is in therapy.

You are talking about joint therapy so he can have you back.

You are the victim, you are the one facing the difficult choices, how come you are not in therapy?

[SparklingRaspberry]

I have nothing against couples who try again after cheating has happened

I don't think anybody can say for definite what they'd do unless they're in that situation. But I would NEVER take a man back who was still pining for another woman.
How could he give your relationship 100% again whilst still missing and thinking about somebody else?

[HeavenlyEyes]

where is your self esteem? Do you not think you deserve than being second best to a man who claims to be depressed? So depressed he managed an online (at best) affair?

[SchnitzelVonKrumm]

He needs to sort himself out THEN he can try and win you back. It might be too late by then of course but that’s the risk he took.

[Seeyamonday]

Try being supportive folks, she wants to give her marriage another try for her own reasons, if you've never been in her situation then you can't possibly know how you'd react. My advice is be kind to yourself, you matter and take things slowly, good luck to both of you

[Autumnskiesarelovely]

He has to put that pining to one side, for a start. Don’t stand for it. It’s self indulgence.

His main concern should be YOU. How he could have lost you.

You’ve taken him back too early. Don’t sleep with him. Don’t be his friend. He needs to feel the pain of what he’s risked. Or he will not regain his value for you.

Tell him you don’t care that he pines for her, that you are devastated but instead of finding someone else you are giving him the exceptional gift of another chance. But you need space to get your head together first. Then go no contact for 30 days. See NC thread.

Then if he really wants you still, he can romance you back, bring you for dates. After the 30 days. Be strong.