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Am I overreacting

(12 Posts)
Sadhubby Mon 23-Oct-17 10:47:06

So in March I found out my wife is bisexual after 14 years together. She was caught kissing another woman. This woman is not on the scene now.

Literally the worst part of my life and hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

Anyway we are working things out and we have ups and downs but recently things have been really good.

So my wife got offered a new job. A job that was the result of years of study and years of sacrifices by us both. When she got it she told a friend first and me the next day. She said this was because at that exact time we were having make or break discussions and she didn't want me to think the job offer influenced her. This hurt me alot.

I also looked at her phone (She knew I was now and again) and saw a conversation was deleted with a friend (gay female) a day or two before. I asked why it was deleted and she says there was no reason for it. But she didn't delete any other conversations that were much much older. She said, eventually it was probably because there was something she didn't want me to see. But can't remember.

And more recently I saw she was watching a t.v. show in secret about a married woman who has a lesbisn affair for the first time. The show has some pretty graphic girl/girl scenes. She said she watched a little bit a while ago but Netflix says otherwise. In fact three days ago. And I told her that was a lie.

I told her that she was doing that behind my back. Lied about it and doesn't see how my feelings are hurt that she is watching shows like this in secret.

She doesn't seem to understand I'm still coming to terms with her being a different person to the one I knew. I still struggle with this and sometimes my feelings change and I'll maybe relapse and get sad again. So what?

She thinks that because we were having a real good period then that's it. I can't bring anything up or get annoyed or feel shit.

She says it's no big is deal she watched it and says she won't ask for permission to watch things but it's not about that.

I asked her if she knew how I would feel if I found out she was watching that show. She won't answer.

So am I overreacting?

Cricrichan Mon 23-Oct-17 10:50:56

Well she's cheated by kissing someone and now you're checking everything she does. I think you both need to think. Can you trust her? Does she still want to stay in this marriage?

Sadhubby Mon 23-Oct-17 10:54:24

I definitely don't trust her yet and I've told her that. But for this to work I know I need to learn. I've forgiven her for what happened.

She says she loves me and I believe her. I certainly love her and I think we both want the marriage to work. It's just little things like this. The mutual respect things and thinking about me a bit more than she does

Annoyed5678 Mon 23-Oct-17 11:22:43

My exH said he was bisexual then later said he was gay, i feel for you OP its soul destroying

Josuk Mon 23-Oct-17 11:46:41

OP - is being bi-sexual something she recently realised? Or something the knew about and just didn’t mention before?

If the latter - then I understand being upset about it. If the former - then it’s not a reflection of you as a couple. And it’s something she is, most likely, struggling with as it is.

You are hurt and that’s understandable. But controlling the TV shows she watches won’t get you any place good.
And - you can’t control everything.... Will you now start quizzing her about her fantasies when she masturbates? Or the type of images that make her in the mood? Or porn she might watch?
Now you know she also finds women attractive - and that’s that.
She is not a different person.
She is the same person who chose to be with you all those years ago.
Not another man, or another woman.
You.

corythatwas Mon 23-Oct-17 11:47:35

Imho whether she is bisexual or not is neither here nor there. If truth were known, probably most of the population is. The question here is not whether she could enjoy sex with other women. The question is whether she is 100% committed to a monogamous relationship with you. And whether you trust her enough not to make both your lives a misery by trying to catch her out.

If she thinks being unfaithful to you doesn't count because it's another woman, because it's not the same thing, because she is only discovering about herself- then I'd say the chances for your relationship look poor. If she can be made to understand that from your pov this is exactly the same as if she had been kissing a bloke and that this is unacceptable, then you may have a chance.

Sadhubby Mon 23-Oct-17 11:57:37

She said she first started to realise about 2 years ago. In that time she told friends (one who encouraged her to 'go for it's you only live once) so needless to say I insisted on no contact with her. I found out because i knew there was something up and caught her.

I appreciate the most important thing is her wanting me but I translate these little things she does as literally not giving a sh*t about me and my feelings or she wouldn't do it. Why delete a whole single conversation? Why hide watching a t.v. show then lying about it? Because she knows it would make me feel sh*t but she still does it

BumblebeeBum Mon 23-Oct-17 13:21:33

She hides it because she knows you will berate her if you find out about what she is talking to her friends about and what tv she is watching.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 23-Oct-17 13:30:54

You have every right to be hurt and confused, but from where I sit, you and your wife either get counseling to help you navigate this very challenging period of your lives, or you separate, because what's happening now won't work.

Your wife is still entitled to have conversations with friends that she doesn't want you to hear it read. Snooping through your spouse's phone (and this applies to everyone and even if the snooping is allowed) only magnifies an environment of distrust and paranoia, and nobody can live with that. Going after her like the Gestapo about a television show she watched is totally over the top. Do you expect her to never watch any show that might have lesbians in it because it makes you feel insecure? That's as absurd as a wife who goes bananas because she husband is watching a television show with pretty women in it. Treating her like a child will not benefit your relationship, I assure you. So you have to decide, you either respect her as a person and work on things, or you admit you have lost all trust and end it.

Get help in dealing with this because you are way out of your depth, and it is impossible for you to look at things objectively.

corythatwas Mon 23-Oct-17 13:30:54

"In that time she told friends (one who encouraged her to 'go for it's you only live once) so needless to say I insisted on no contact with her."

So if one of your old mates had told you to hit on an attractive girl, would it be a case of "needless to say my wife insisted on no further contact with my mate ever and I was happy with that"?

corythatwas Mon 23-Oct-17 13:33:39

Aquamarine said it better than me: "Going after her like the Gestapo about a television show she watched is totally over the top. Do you expect her to never watch any show that might have lesbians in it because it makes you feel insecure? That's as absurd as a wife who goes bananas because she husband is watching a television show with pretty women in it. Treating her like a child will not benefit your relationship, I assure you. So you have to decide, you either respect her as a person and work on things, or you admit you have lost all trust and end it."

She has cheated and that was wrong. But what you are describing is not a relationship but a prison.

Annoyed5678 Mon 23-Oct-17 13:51:50

She's made it clear to you that she's interested in women and has acted upon this, it isn't a fantasy in her head she is making this reality as she risked her marriage to you for the sake of a woman, she is wanting her cake and to eat it by sounds of it and you don't know how to deal with this so are trying desperately to suppress her thoughts on being with a woman which isn't fair either. I think you need to have a open and honest conversation with her see what she wants, and have a honest conversation with yourself to see if you can carry on knowing what you know. This situation isn't fair on either of you as it stands and believe me my exH told me he was bi sexual and ended up cheating then came out as gay broke my heart but I felt all along he put the feelers out by saying he's bi sexual, you need to know exactly where you stand and conversation she's having with her friends needs to be had with you as this is not going to end well as it is.

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