This is a dilemma and a question. Please excuse the length and elaboration as I have no other way to express myself. In a very dark place right now. Any help will be great.
If ever I was in a situation to explain love, I will picture him and tell them that love is a force I was gifted with. It is unlike anything in our existence. It is not something I was taught or prepared for.
Our social interaction patterns seem to be the centre of headlines. That is, who is in a relationship with who, who married who, who divorced who. Sexual gossip surrounds us in all its forms; homo-, hetero-, bi-, metro-, trans- etc etc etc.. and I expect more are on their way to our dictionaries. However, love and in all it's depth does not receive as much coverage. Perhaps it is a phenomenon experienced by few, or perhaps it is uncomfortable for us to expose our vulnerability.
Love is not merely a social interaction. Love is a push for a greater purpose. It is mercy and punishment all in one. It is joy that can withstand any sorrow, and pain that exceeds all tolerance. It is imprisonment, while also breaking free. Love is tearing off years of self protection to expose raw, naive wounds .
You enter a world formed by the divine. You witness incomparable beauty in our existence, as if your eyes were blinded before. You discover tenderness within yourself and everything around you. New personality traits slowly creep up on you and change you. But you admire who you become. You embrace it and give in.
Love is a knot between two souls, leading to all sorts of connections, with empathy being the predominant one. You feel what the other person is feeling and have the will to do whatever it takes to give them the best. You are gifted with a strength which prepares you to withstand any pain ten fold if it means they are free of it.
It is becoming rooted to one person, so no matter your destiny, you need to go back to be nourished. Suddenly the universe has a centre, and it is right here. And while everything dances to nature's melodies, together you stand still.
But I walked.
I walked again and again and again, each time breaking his heart into smaller pieces. I could tell you a story about the reasons why, but it's all excuses to cover up the real reason- I was terrified. My stubbornness and ego were shaken by this man that had so much power over me. Who does he think he is turning my life upside down? At one point I was willing to let go of my comfortable life to be with him, in another country, with so much uncertainty in my future and career.
Snap out of it.
I'd be pulled back into my reality, and that's when I walk. Hurting him and myself at once. Eventually, pain turned to numbness for me, but not him. He kept breaking. He never ran out of space to break because he had endless hope. His spirit has strength which I never knew existed. His kindness and forgiveness brings out the beautiful in all those around him. He believed in me when I don't believe in me. But I broke him anyway.
As soon as I had walked a few yards away, I begin to see a clearer road. No more bright blinding splashes of colour that hit me from different directions on a mountainous path. It is a long stretch of black and white and quiet. It is familiar and it is mine. I control it and know what comes up ahead, so I can always be prepared.
But I'm addicted to colour.
What the f**k do I do?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I am so lost..
Rooshi · 23/10/2017 10:16
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