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I am so lost..

(31 Posts)
Rooshi Mon 23-Oct-17 10:16:00

This is a dilemma and a question. Please excuse the length and elaboration as I have no other way to express myself. In a very dark place right now. Any help will be great.

If ever I was in a situation to explain love, I will picture him and tell them that love is a force I was gifted with. It is unlike anything in our existence. It is not something I was taught or prepared for.

Our social interaction patterns seem to be the centre of headlines. That is, who is in a relationship with who, who married who, who divorced who. Sexual gossip surrounds us in all its forms; homo-, hetero-, bi-, metro-, trans- etc etc etc.. and I expect more are on their way to our dictionaries. However, love and in all it's depth does not receive as much coverage. Perhaps it is a phenomenon experienced by few, or perhaps it is uncomfortable for us to expose our vulnerability.

Love is not merely a social interaction. Love is a push for a greater purpose. It is mercy and punishment all in one. It is joy that can withstand any sorrow, and pain that exceeds all tolerance. It is imprisonment, while also breaking free. Love is tearing off years of self protection to expose raw, naive wounds .

You enter a world formed by the divine. You witness incomparable beauty in our existence, as if your eyes were blinded before. You discover tenderness within yourself and everything around you. New personality traits slowly creep up on you and change you. But you admire who you become. You embrace it and give in.

Love is a knot between two souls, leading to all sorts of connections, with empathy being the predominant one. You feel what the other person is feeling and have the will to do whatever it takes to give them the best. You are gifted with a strength which prepares you to withstand any pain ten fold if it means they are free of it.

It is becoming rooted to one person, so no matter your destiny, you need to go back to be nourished. Suddenly the universe has a centre, and it is right here. And while everything dances to nature's melodies, together you stand still.

But I walked.

I walked again and again and again, each time breaking his heart into smaller pieces. I could tell you a story about the reasons why, but it's all excuses to cover up the real reason- I was terrified. My stubbornness and ego were shaken by this man that had so much power over me. Who does he think he is turning my life upside down? At one point I was willing to let go of my comfortable life to be with him, in another country, with so much uncertainty in my future and career.

Snap out of it.

I'd be pulled back into my reality, and that's when I walk. Hurting him and myself at once. Eventually, pain turned to numbness for me, but not him. He kept breaking. He never ran out of space to break because he had endless hope. His spirit has strength which I never knew existed. His kindness and forgiveness brings out the beautiful in all those around him. He believed in me when I don't believe in me. But I broke him anyway.

As soon as I had walked a few yards away, I begin to see a clearer road. No more bright blinding splashes of colour that hit me from different directions on a mountainous path. It is a long stretch of black and white and quiet. It is familiar and it is mine. I control it and know what comes up ahead, so I can always be prepared.

But I'm addicted to colour.

What the f**k do I do?

splendidisolation Mon 23-Oct-17 10:20:45

So basically you miss the thrill amd drama of leading someone on repeatedly?

My advice is learn to love yourself.

AnyFucker Mon 23-Oct-17 10:22:24

Thanks for that. I needed a mid morning nap and that was just the ticket smile

Rooshi Mon 23-Oct-17 10:25:00

Thank you splendid.
Glad I can help anyfucker 😊

retpally Mon 23-Oct-17 10:25:49

I have no idea what the question is.

MotherOfTwoDragons Mon 23-Oct-17 10:31:52

I’m lost too confused

FinallyDecidedOnUserName Mon 23-Oct-17 10:33:52


Wanderwall Mon 23-Oct-17 10:41:58

Sorry but you both sound unhinged.

PNGirl Mon 23-Oct-17 10:44:32

Well, honestly, you sound toxic. "He" would be best off if you let him find someone else instead of going all Joey from Dawson's Creek and going off to find yourself.

MoodyMumOfOne Mon 23-Oct-17 10:44:50


Blackcatonthesofa Mon 23-Oct-17 10:52:17

You sound just like my friend. She can't see love and relationships the normal way and keeps wanting the chase. She keeps walking away wanting them to follow. She plays with someone she loves because he has to show her through trials how much he wants her. Guess who is almost fifty, never married, never had the daughter she wanted, alone and upset?

Get real.

EmeraldIsle100 Mon 23-Oct-17 10:54:43


Rooshi Mon 23-Oct-17 10:54:52

You guys are ruthless but it's a lot of help.
I need a wake up call.

Blackcatonthesofa Mon 23-Oct-17 11:12:02

If you want to have a real relationship then stop comparing it to romantic drama on tv. Find someone who is nice to you, respects you and has the same values that you genuinly like to spend time with. Don't listen to their words but look at their actions. A happy marriage isn't neon coloured mountains, it's spending another evening in pj's on the couch together with tv, scrabble and a cup of hot cocoa bitching about aunt Muriel at the last christmas dinner. And liking it.

TheNaze73 Mon 23-Oct-17 13:50:59

So you love the chase?

Rooshi Mon 23-Oct-17 14:36:29

No I don't love drama or the chase. He's in a different country and in order to be with him I would have to uplift my life and go there. It's a dilemma between the man I love and the life I love.

SpotAGuillemot Mon 23-Oct-17 14:39:30

So you don't want a relationship, you just want to play chase? Do you want a relationship? If you do, then stop twatting about like you're in Dawson's Creek. If you don't, crack on.

Cutesbabasmummy Mon 23-Oct-17 14:39:46

I really didn't get the original post at all! Why didn't you just make it clear that he was in a different country OP? Confusing!

MoseShrute Mon 23-Oct-17 14:43:35

Your post was long and incomprehensible. Why use the flowery language? It puts people off. Just explain in straight forward terms and you may get straight forward responses

Rooshi Mon 23-Oct-17 14:45:55

Was a little under the influence of a certain drink meow ladies

splendidisolation Mon 23-Oct-17 14:49:54

Just go. YOLO

NinonDeLenclos Mon 23-Oct-17 14:54:00

This reads like one of Kristen Stewart's poems.

NinonDeLenclos Mon 23-Oct-17 14:54:49

Here's another:

I reared digital moonlight

You read its clock, scrawled neon across that black

Kismetly … ubiquitously crest fallen

Thrown down to strafe your foothills

…I’ll suck the bones pretty.

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge Mon 23-Oct-17 14:55:19

I feel like I need to print this out and pencil notes at the side like I did in English Lit class. Anyone got a copy they’ve already done?

BitOutOfPractice Mon 23-Oct-17 15:02:09

I think you have an unrealistic idea of what love is. What it means. Which I think is why you keep fucking up.

I had a similar head / heart dilema involving a grand passion and another country. I didn't go and I don't regret it. Don't know if that helps at all since I'm not exactly sure what the question was

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