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I've ruined it, and I don't know how to fix it

(58 Posts)
AllMyFault Sun 22-Oct-17 20:55:56

So can you lovely people please help me? Because I don't know what to do.

Situation is this: Husband is 23 nearly 24, I'm 25, and we have a DD together who's 2. Been married since April 2016, together since 2012.

But I think my marriage might be over, even though I've tried so hard.

H has health problems, he's supposed to be having an operation to fix the main problem but nothing has happened. He's supposed to have chased it up, but he says he doesn't have time, or he doesn't care as he's been like this a year now and has decided it's forever.

DD also has additional needs. She's 2.4 but more like an 18 month old in her behaviours and development, has limited speech and has hip problems. She's a little sweetheart though, and attends Nursery 3 days a week.

H says everything is my fault. I deal with DD wrong so that's why she reacts badly to him when he's changing her nappy, why she runs away from him when she throws a tantrum. He says I am not the nice person and good mother everyone seems to think I am. Apparently I manipulate everyone, from my mother and child to the Social Worker involved to offer us support. He says everyone sings my praises to him and he hates because I do nothing I'm lazy and I should count myself lucky that he's still with me, as he's considered leaving me.

I've tried so hard to do everything. DD wakes up 3 times a night, and I never moan or say I'm tired, because he works anything up to 6 days a week, and his job is harder than mine. I take DD to all her appointments, restrain her if I have to, I take notes and ask questions. And I feedback to H about it. I change all her nappies, because he can't deal with poop, I bath her because he doesn't want his colleagues thinking that there's something wrong with him for bathing his infant daughter. He does do bedtime most nights because I apparently don't do it right so she stays awake longer when I do it so he can't play his games online with his friends, which is his only thing outside of work that he does.

His shifts are variable, so I do all pickups and dropoffs at Nursery, even when he can do them he won't because he thinks I've told lies to the Nursery Manager about him so doesn't want to see her in case she says something to him - I'm still not sure what I'm meant to have said. Because of his shifts I can only do very limited jobs due to DDs conditions meaning I have to be available at the drop of a hat, and take time off for appointments. So I do work from home for my old university, I hate it, it's boring but it pays DDs Nursery fees which is the important thing. H won't change his job to something more family friendly because he doesn't want to leave his colleagues short staffed and having to cover more hours.

He says I'm evil, and that's why I have no friends, because they see through me like he does and are scared away.

If I leave him, I'll lose my DD. He says he'll take me to court and he'll win because his family are super rich and can provide her with a place at any school she needs to go to, which I just can't afford or cover. They can get him the best solicitor where I'd have to be at the mercy of whichever would accept a small amount each month. He says if we go to court he'll say I'm manipulative and that I hurt DD because a couple of times when having a really tiring/stressful day I've shouted at DD. I've always apologised after, said it wasn't her fault, given her a cuddle and done something she wants to do like go to the park.

I need to fix this, because I'm going to lose my DD otherwise. How can I prove to H I'm sorry and fix this?

Dozer Sun 22-Oct-17 20:57:52

The problem is your H is a abusive. Please seek help from a womens organisation.

glenthebattleostrich Sun 22-Oct-17 21:02:36

Sweetheart, you can't do anything to fix this because your husband is emotionally abusing you. He is also following 'the script' to keep you in line.

Please give women's aid a call.

pog100 Sun 22-Oct-17 21:02:49

He is a very abusive man. You are just fine. You need to leave him. Urgently. Do not think any of this is your fault, please!

Hawkmoth Sun 22-Oct-17 21:06:47

Can you confide in one of the team around your daughter?

TammyswansonTwo Sun 22-Oct-17 21:11:20

Sorry for what? What do you think you've done other than put up with constant gaslighting? He can't even change a nappy, how would he take your daughter from you? He's ridiculous. Is there anywhere you can go? X

jeaux90 Sun 22-Oct-17 21:11:44

Ok OP look your husband is abusing you.

It's really clear. You need to seek some help from women's aid or a women's charity of you aren't in the UK.

Google narcissist. Sounds like he ticks a few of those boxes to me.

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to?

AllMyFault Sun 22-Oct-17 21:12:18

Nowhere my mum has a 1 bed flat and my brother is away at University

jeaux90 Sun 22-Oct-17 21:13:16

Oh and no court will award him custody of your dd. You have been the main carer etc but you do need to start documenting this abusive behaviour.

jeaux90 Sun 22-Oct-17 21:16:25

My ex was like yours they work tirelessly to undermine you, to isolate you and control you. Open your eyes, you have done nothing wrong. You can fix this by leaving or getting him to leave.

SierraFerrara Sun 22-Oct-17 21:16:34

What help are you getting re your daughter? You mentioned a social worker? Could you speak to them?
From what you have written, your husband is abusive and an abusive relationship is not healthy for you or your daughter.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 22-Oct-17 21:16:42

Its not you, its him and he is projecting his own self onto you. He is emotionally abusive towards you and in turn your DD. This cannot therefore be fixed and its not your fault he is like this. You did not make him this way and his family of origin are likely to be very much the same behaviour wise. The rotten apple therefore that is he did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his own family of origin.

I doubt very much you would lose your DD at all if you were to leave him; he is saying this to keep you both trapped and controlled. He has no real interest in his child either; he says that as well to keep you in your place and he knows how to hurt you the most by using her. Its all part of the well worn script that abusive men use.

I would seek legal advice asap re separation as after all knowledge is power. Womens Aid as mentioned are well worth contacting and their number is 0808 2000 247. They can and will help you also.

jeaux90 Sun 22-Oct-17 21:21:58

Just to add my ex said that, take my daughter, get the lawyers etc and Attila is probably right. Mine hasn't seen my kid since she was 3. She is 8 now. It was about controlling me. He doesn't give a monkeys about my dd

MrsExpo Sun 22-Oct-17 21:26:55

This man is abuser. You need to understand that and make plans to remove yourself and your DD from him. Read "Why does he go that" by Lundy Bancroft. It will give you more clarity and help you understand that you're not the problem. He is. I wish you luck and strength .... take care.

Cricrichan Sun 22-Oct-17 21:27:20

Big hugs op. What an awful abusive man. You've done nothing but care for your family and he's a nasty piece of shit. He also has no interest in his child this is all about controlling you.

Speak to women's aid and all the best. You sound like a wonderful and caring person xxx

LesisMiserable Sun 22-Oct-17 23:13:20

Why does he say you're evil and what does he think you've said to the nursery manager?

Lweji Sun 22-Oct-17 23:17:41

Definitely this:

Sweetheart, you can't do anything to fix this because your husband is emotionally abusing you. He is also following 'the script' to keep you in line.

Please give women's aid a call.

AllMyFault Sun 22-Oct-17 23:34:36

He told me I've told the Nursery Manager lies about him, he won't tell me what lies I've apparently told but said she thinks he's a bad father.

Lweji Sun 22-Oct-17 23:38:03

She probably reached that conclusion by herself (if that's the case) and he blames you instead of himself.

cestlavielife Sun 22-Oct-17 23:38:17

You have not ruined it.
You are doing everything for dd.
You need to get away from this man
He is classically abusive.
Speak to your health visitor and social worker.
Tell them the things he says.
No one will give some one full .residence unless they other parent is totally neglectful or unable to care for the chikd.
If anything it is more likely your h would have limited contact. . If he cant deal with poo he can't take care of a child.

Make plan to leave with dd.
You could get help with rent.

Tell hv gp and social worker what you have written here.

cestlavielife Sun 22-Oct-17 23:44:18

Also there aren't many private schools for additional needs you can just pay for. Most independent s n schools only take children the local authority pays for after all the process of getting ehcp etc so you better off starting in state system and then seeing what her needs are.

But the bottom line is that you need to get away from this man.
You can't fix this relationship
He is abusive.

Focus on your dd and getting away. Let him go to court. Keep a record of his behaviour e.g. refusing to change nappy.

MamaLeen Sun 22-Oct-17 23:57:05

Speak to you social worker.
He/she can get you all the help you need. That's is their job.
But this man is abusing you and keeping you at your lowest because he knows in his heart you will manage without him.
Please get yours so and your daughter the support you both deserve.
Good luckflowers

springydaffs Mon 23-Oct-17 00:01:45

If you can't get through on the Womens Aid helpline 0808 2000 247 then try your local WA

They will support you in all ways. He won't get custody of dd (as a pp said, he can't even change her nappy so how is he going to get full custody?? He's lying to keep you powerless and frightened). Womens Aid will clarify everything - they are the experts.

WA will also suggest you do the Freedom Programme . - have a look to find your local group. This is a wonderful course, I can't recommend it highly enough. It will get your head straight in record time, plus you will so much support and camaraderie from other women in a similar situation.

He's full of shit btw. You've nothing to apologise for, it's patently obvious you're a good mum.

BenLui Mon 23-Oct-17 00:10:31

A man that won’t bath his own daughter, win’t Do nursery pick ups and spends all night playing video games doesn’t want full custody.

Wh1stles Mon 23-Oct-17 00:31:30

You won't lose your daughter.

When you leave him, you'll see, he won't even WANT her every second weekend! It's just to control you!

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