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20 year old daughter swings emotionally between parents after divorce

(15 Posts)
user1467480231 Sun 22-Oct-17 20:20:46

We've had a horrendous 18 months (my kids included) since my ex went off and had an affair (and got pregnant) a much younger woman.

For some bizarre reason, my hot headed daughter sides with her "weak" father the entire time, despite him breaking her heart. I just DON'T get it?!?! I'm perceived as the bad guy as I'm the stronger character.

I'm absolutely drained by these fortnightly strops. Anyone else still battling with their teen/young twenties daughters??

fusspot66 Sun 22-Oct-17 20:24:34

I think the perceived wisdom is that she feels safe enough and secure enough to push you away / verbally lash out.

Desmondo2016 Sun 22-Oct-17 20:27:12

I would suggest that as she is an adult you give it less attention and energy. Your oist comes across as needing to prove he is the bad guy so maybe you unintentionally do that in real life. People of any age can be incredibly forgiving of parents, even when the parents have done hideous things. I would just live your life and leave her to do as she pleases in this regard.

Santawontbelong Sun 22-Oct-17 20:27:22

I feel your pain. My ds 17 has taken exh side over his letting our family home get repossessed and giving us 100k debt!!
Ds inheritance too!!

Desmondo2016 Sun 22-Oct-17 20:27:32

*post

user1467480231 Sun 22-Oct-17 20:32:38

I just find it so draining and feel that I'm constantly treading on egg shells.

@desmonodo - you are correct. I hate my ex and his ghastly woman for what they have done but I'm always careful not to slate the ex in front of the children.

user1467480231 Sun 22-Oct-17 20:33:29

@Santawontbelong - you poor thing. I feel your pain. Money/kids/divorce make for a hellish combo.

annandale Sun 22-Oct-17 20:38:41

I wonder if my mum thought the same way as you do OP. From my point of view i was just holding on and trying my best to deal with what had happened. On the surface my dad was an utter waste of space who had ruined my mum's life, left us broke, gone off with another woman, had never been much of a father. He was still my dad. And it wasnt quite that straightforward.

What are we suposed to do in these circumstances, we adult children of divorcing parents? We are not supposed to have any say, its none of our business, we are all adults together. At the same time, our entire past and our lives have been turned upside down and put through a mirror.

Focus your attention on reasonable treatment. You don't have to put up with being screamed at or abused. She might find it easier to think about moving out if she can't cope with being civil. She might find therapy helpful so if she mentions it is would be supportive. If you can't deal with mention of your ex, ask her to discuss him with someone else. I'm a big believer in not talking about painful subjects, or at least not so early in a new life.

Cricrichan Sun 22-Oct-17 20:38:58

I think kids tend to take it out on whoever they feel safest with.

My teenager has in the last few years taken stuff out on me when it has nothing to do with me. It was really hurtful but doesn't last and I understand why he does it better now.

user1467480231 Sun 22-Oct-17 20:52:08

I totally appreciate that he is her father, it just drives me bonkers that he gives her the sob stories when I'm working my nuts off to survive whilst he swans around the world with his new family on endless holidays and has already paid for plastic surgery for the new woman! LOL!

I'm bitter indeed, but more so, am hurt that he can constantly manipulate my daughter.

I like your comment @Ciricrichan that kids take it out on the whoever they feel safest with. That's something I shall have to remember.

Sickoffamilydrama Sun 22-Oct-17 22:00:51

Can I ask how she sides with your ex.

Whilst I don't agree with what he has done I wonder if you might be point scoring and how was your relationship before he left?

My parents should have split up when I was young instead they stayed together until I was 20 when he left for another woman. They subjected us to years of their toxic volatile relationship, that has left my siblings and I with permeant emotional health issues.

I have spoken to father about what he subjected us to he apologized and has worked on our relationship so I have forgiven him.

My mum is very emotionally immature and blames my father completely for everything that went on, I am still very angry with her. Especially since I have forgiven my father it's like a veil has be lifted and I see her with new eyes.

I know it may not be true for your situation but I wanted to give you another perspective.

N0Way Wed 25-Oct-17 10:03:35

Your daughter shouldn't have to choose between her parents. What you do to each other is your business not hers as long as you both care for her.
Get your shit together, be respectful and graceful as a role model for your daughter

butterfly56 Wed 25-Oct-17 11:18:09

So sorry you are going through this flowers

Part of her problem is that she has inherited half her father's genes. Has also probably learned her disrespectful behaviour from him.

She is 20 not 12! She is an adult who is responsible for her behaviour and you do not deserve that kind of treatment from her.

The fact that she has a vile temper does not give her the right to use you as an emotional punchbag.

Tell her to get her shit together and be more respectful because if you don't she will carry on making your life hell just because she can.

She can always go and live with him if she thinks he's such a wonderful role model as a father! hmm

Walkacrossthesand Wed 25-Oct-17 13:04:18

If she's living with you and you're working your nuts off to make ends meet, I do hope she's paying her way. Especially if she's not a pleasant housemate. As PP hinted, she does have other options if she can't be civil to you...

HeebieJeebies456 Wed 25-Oct-17 19:52:38

kids take it out on the whoever they feel safest with
She's NOT a kid though - she's an adult.
So treat her like one.

She is entitled to her own opinions and feelings - but she is NOT entitled to treat you like shit.
Make your boundaries very clear to her - you expect to be treated with respect and consideration in your own home.
If she can't manage that then she can move out.

Don't make excuses and allowances for her behaviour towards you - that's just enabling her to carry on as she is.
As a PP said, she might have picked up her dad's abusive ways and is mimicking them - not acceptable.

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