Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do you move on from feeling betrayed?

(35 Posts)
BabyLord Sun 22-Oct-17 12:29:41

I don't know how to deal with this and could really use some advice.

Yesterday night I got a message from DHs ex informing me they'd had a conversation on the phone and exchanged texts. He is away for work, we had had an argument on the phone. I tried to call back and his phone was engaged. When he rang back he wouldn't say who he spoke to but said he called someone so he wouldn't have to speak to me. I now know that it was her.

There is a bit of a back story with her, she has been a bit of a bunny boiler even though they broke up years before DH and i even met. But i have always made it clear to him that it was his job to establish boundaries and he agreed he would have no contact with her. I could tell from her messages she knew she was causing trouble, and was loving it.

We have had a hard time recently, things are quite stressful. I am also pregnant. Our relationship is usually great, he is a great dad to my son from a previous relationship. He has never, to my knowledge, cheated.

Last night I was mostly in shock. I sent him a screenshot of the message and he immediately apologised and said he knows he's fucked up and done the wrong thing. He has said he's in a bad place and just wanted to talk to someone else. I've told him i need time to process it.

I don't know what to do now. Worse things could have happened but I still feel humiliated and I don't know if I can trust him. He admitted he doesn't know if he would have told me if she hadn't messaged me so is he only sorry because i found out?

I do want to move forward. I love him so bloody much. I just don't know how to deal with this. Please if anybody has any advice i'd really appreciate it.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 22-Oct-17 12:47:10

What was on the screenshot?

kissmethere Sun 22-Oct-17 12:49:40

Yes that is betrayal. Completely out of order him contacting her given the past.
He may be usually lovely but that's crossed the line I think. And she's enjoying stirring. I don't know if you should put it past you both but I know I couldn't. What do you want to do?

C0untDucku1a Sun 22-Oct-17 12:52:18

Theres no fucking way he established appropriate boundaries with his ex at all. Appropriate boundaries would be no contact. Unless they have a child? It sounds more like he kept her slightly interested all these years. I would be seriously considering the future.

Annoyed5678 Sun 22-Oct-17 12:55:52

He knew from past experiences with her That she would stir up the shit and tell you, because he knows she wants him and click of a fingers she's there. Could this be him trying to tell you he doesn't want to be with you? Lacked backbone to do it himself? He doesn't sound sorry really probably just saying it as that's whats expected of him

BabyLord Sun 22-Oct-17 13:02:12

He says he hasn't had contact with her before yesterday. At first I told him she could have him. He has said he doesn"t want her and has only ever wanted me, he's blaming it on being in a bad place and having nobody to talk to. He recently went NC with his family so only really has me now.

They have no children.

I think I'm still in shock. We worked so hard to get through the issues she had already caused, there have been times i've felt guilty for still being so paranoid so I worked on it and now I feel fucking stupid.

The screenshot was of the message she sent me.

I love him. We have been through so much and this baby was so longed for and I actually can't believe this has happened. I don't want there to not be an us I just don't know if there's a way to move forward from this.

Annoyed5678 Sun 22-Oct-17 13:09:18

OP you seem desperate to try and make yourself believe all his words but unfortunately you need to listen to his actions too, he knew contacting her would cause drama, he clearly has been in contact with her since you said not too and as his wife why couldn't he have spoken to you when in this bad place? It's a case of he'll tell you whatever you want to hear but behind your back its a different story. You know what your dealing with in the future with him

Gazelda Sun 22-Oct-17 13:09:21

I think it’s a bit soon to be thinking about how to move on. He’s betrayed you horribly, and to do it while you are pregnant seems even worse.
But it seems as though you are both going through a difficult time at the moment. Is there any way you can take a breather while you evaluate what’s happened? Whether you can forgive his betrayal? How he’ll deal with the almost inevitable increase in contact from the ex? How he comes to terms with his decision to go NC with his family? How you and he get back to supporting each other with respect?

PNGirl Sun 22-Oct-17 13:13:09

My worry would be why it had to be her. Why she was the first one he thought of! I don't believe this is the first time otherwise why would she be at the forefront of his mind? Does he not have one single other friend?

PNGirl Sun 22-Oct-17 13:15:13

I'm not saying he has cheated on you but it suggests he is not in a good headspace if he has done this. If it's so out of character he may be struggling with his mental health beyond things being "stressful".

Sugarpiehoneyeye Sun 22-Oct-17 13:22:51

What a low thing to do. Do you think he still has feelings for her ?
Did he say why he chose to speak to her, over you, or someone else ?
If you were in a bad place, would you phone your ex ? No, of course you wouldn't, he would be the last person you'd choose to call .....

BabyLord Sun 22-Oct-17 13:23:09

PNGirl he is struggling with his mental health and is currently having counselling. There are a lot of things he hasn't dealt with and it's all coming up in counselling. Sorry I'm trying not to drip feed but I'm all over the place.

Sometimes i disassociate when I'm hurting due to past trauma so I don't actually think this has sunk in yet. I'm in panic mode wanting everything to go back to how it was. This is not what i pictured for this pregnancy.

AnyFucker Sun 22-Oct-17 13:25:15

Why are you not telling us the exact nature of their communication? confused

BabyLord Sun 22-Oct-17 13:26:24

Sugarpie that's what hurts even more there is nobody i would rather talk to than my husband he's my favourite person in the world.

He swears he doesn't have feelings for her. He cried a lot on the phone.

I don't know how I'm meant to trust him now.

BabyLord Sun 22-Oct-17 13:28:02

AnyFucker nobody asked? And i don't know for sure. He says it was a catch up - they talked about eachothers work, my pregnancy, how her mum was.

Gemini69 Sun 22-Oct-17 13:30:47

his mental health is not a reasonable excuse for keeping in touch with his besotted Ex...

I'm sorry but I'd be very angry at this and YES this is a huge betrayal... flowers

AnyFucker Sun 22-Oct-17 13:30:48

My apologies, I misunderstood. I thought you had said she sent you screenshots of their messages.

BabyLord Sun 22-Oct-17 13:32:24

Gemini the more i think about everything the angrier i get. I just don't know how to handle it. It might seem stupid but i really didn't expect this. It's been years since she reared her head.

Gemini69 Sun 22-Oct-17 13:35:38

the thing is ... he has given his Ex the Power in Your Marriage.. you will never know the content or the context of what they shared on those call and texts... innocent as they may be have been... she is Loving this OP... and his did this....

he has let you down badly.. I'm not sure how you move forward from this lovely... flowers

kissmethere Sun 22-Oct-17 13:43:59

Ok so he's told you they had a chit chat but he's still contacted her. There's no minimising it as he's still made contact. Why her? He's played right into her hands has fucked up. What does the future hold? If you respect and love someone you take into consideration their feelings on things, and he hasn't. I'm sorry it does sound like he's keeping her as a crutch and doesn't want to leave her in the past.
If you were like this about every female he's in touch with I'd say you're controlling. But it sounds like you're not. It's this particular one.

mapie Sun 22-Oct-17 14:17:50

Well you will never know what was said in the call, but I would want to see all the texts.

He contacted her to get back at you, that's a hard one to accept.

PNGirl Sun 22-Oct-17 14:19:16

No, it's not an excuse, but sometimes despression causes people to self-sabotage.

BabyLord Sun 22-Oct-17 14:47:27

I'm definitely not a jealous person in general. It's just that there were issues in the beginning of our relationship and i know what she is like. The last time they had contact was when we were engaged. She tried to contact him, he called her and said we were getting married and she really needed to back off and she cried. They haven't been together for over 10 years.

I think i will ask to see the texts. I'm getting really angry. He is not a bad person, he's been a great husband and my best friend. So it hurts even more that he would do something so fucking stupid and disrespectful to me and our marriage. I know he's in a bad place but i've been the one looking after him. I feel like a fucking mug.

She sent me a message after the first one telling me "oh i know it's not my place to say but he really does love you i've never seen him like this with anyone before" well i fucking know that that's why he married me!!!

kissmethere Sun 22-Oct-17 15:00:03

No it certainly isn't her place to say anything regarding your marriage but she's taken it upon herself to say something. Shit stirring.
Yes you've helped him, you're his wife. If I was you I'd be wanting to see any other communication between them. Then take it from there.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Sun 22-Oct-17 15:38:20

Where is he now OP ?
I agree, she will be loving this, but it is he, who opened the line of communication, not her.
Ask to see his phone, if you think he's been texting her, though I'm pretty sure, she would have revelled in telling you, if he had.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: