Is he OTT or am I too much of a loner??

[Skyrabbit]

Crap thread title, sorry!

think I know what I need to do, but need a bit of hand holding.

My emotions are very confused, so apologies if this post is confusing too!

I've been with my bf for nearly a year now. He's very full on, and initially so was I.
Something changed, after he moved in without asking, (long story) and it eventually took 3 months for him to find somewhere else. Even though he's now moved out, I feel differently about him. I feel that he abused my passiveness to move in because it suited him.
Everything he does is 'for us' - the job he has is to bring money in 'for us', any of his future plans are 'for us', the place he lives in now is only until 'we' can be together - like he's treading water. I want him to have his own life, not one that's dependant on me.

I'm very confused really. He's a very intense full on guy, but he would also do anything for me, and is very kind and loving. He wants to be with me all the time, although he wouldn't stop me going out, but I'm a loner and love my own space. For example, he sits RIGHT next to me on the sofa and wants to hold hands, which gives me the rage, and I think that's irrational of me!
I don't want to throw something away that is actually decent because my walls are up too far, and I can't accept someone wanting to be with me this much, but on the other hand I don't know if I can cope with the full on nature of it. I guess I'm overwhelmed and I think that's clouding my judgment on this.

Arrgh. I just don't know what to do.
This is more of a stream of consciousness than a wwyd!

[userxx]

He sounds a bit too needy for you. You sound like an independent person and I think you need someone likeminded. Unless he changes massively I can't see your feeling towards him change. Can you see yourself with him in 5 years time?

[TheNaze73]

He sounds needy & hardwork. I’d have to get rid. He’ll stifle you

[CandleLit]

You're describing yourself as a loner an having your walls up whereas I'm reading from what you've said that he's moved the relationship and intimacy too far, too fast - faster than you're comfortable with. Your "walls" may just be healthy boundaries.

Did you feel you were a loner with walls up before this guy or because of this guy? Alarm bells should ring if it is the latter.

[Cricrichan]

I think you sound like a normal person to me. He sounds OTT and his moving in without your agreement is probably what's making you hold back a bit.

I'm tactile and affectionate but someone having to touch me or sit touching me the whole time on the sofa would drive me nuts.

I don't think it's you, it's him and udbe loathe to tie myself to a man like that in any way.

[Fishface77]

Ooh couldn't cope with the clinginess! I'd have to get rid

[Hermonie2016]

I feel that he abused my passiveness to move in because it suited him

Listen to your instinct, it's very strong but he is overriding your boundaries.Its easy to be loving in the early stages of a relationship, it takes at least 2 years ime for his true colours to show that's why your instinct is really important.

What's his past relationship history like?

[Aquamarine1029]

He is suffocating the fuck out of you, and you are right that this relationship is not working. He sounds incredibly needy - a real Level 5 Clinger. I could never tolerate this.

[beesandknees]

You sound normal
He sounds unhinged

[BackforGood]

He sounds normal to me, and also you sound normal to me. It's just a different sort of normal, so you don't really sound compatible. He's not wrong and neither are you though, just different.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Its not you its him. He is the one who is far too clingy and such men do cause problems.

Being full on like he has been this early in a relationship is a red flag. I would be seriously wondering about his motivation here. DO you know anything at all about his relationship history and or family background?.

I would also read up on the sunken costs fallacy in relationships as this thinking "I don't want to throw something away that is actually decent because my walls are up too far" is looking very much like this.

[Ragwort]

He sounds far too needy, I couldn't cope with someone like that. Some couples are happy to be loved up, holding hands all the time etc etc but that would suffocate me and it sounds as though he is just not right for you.

[Tilapia]

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to sit on the sofa holding hands. There’s also nothing wrong with not wanting to. I don’t think you are compatible.

[Skyrabbit]

Sorry! Didn't disappear - my mother came round 🙄
Thanks for the replies - lots to contemplate and process.
I think in the end, we both just behave too differently for this to work. My walls are a a major problem, and so is his lack of respect for boundaries.
I still can't work out if his clinginess is a red flag or just differences in personalities. Maybe I don't need to!

[Skyrabbit]

Oh, and his past relationship history is long relationships, with little gap in between. Mostly with women with kids. Most intense I think 😕

[Bluntness100]

I couldn’t deal with this no. I can’t stand that constant neediness, desperation. and control, and yes it is control. Sitting right next to you on sofa wanting to hold your hand all the time would give most people the rage. Most of us need our own space at times.

I simply don’t find that level of dependence and neediness attractive, it’s a huge turn off for me. I think you need to end it. He needs to find someone similarly needy.

[Whocansay]

This would drive me crackers. Just ditch and move on. You are clearly very different people.

[user1487175389]

He's not right for you. Cut yourself loose and get your freedom back.

[Maelstrop]

How is he when you are out alone or seeing friends so you can't see him? He sounds ridiculously intense. It would drive me mad.

[VioletCharlotte]

He sounds far too full on, this would drive me nuts. You're not a loner, just independent, that's a good thing !

Bin and move on.

[Lovemusic33]

He sounds like my ex, moved himself in to my house (assumed it was ok), very clingy, wanted to do everything with me, couldn't even go food shopping on my own or bath alone though he didn't mind me going out for a evening with friends. I was totally taken in by him even though his clingyness was a huge red flag. After a while he became very controlling and then I found out he had been cheating on me, it was a huge shock because he was with me so much (other than work) and I wasn't expecting it at all. Looking back now I can see how controlling he was and how our relationship was just not real.

I would see it as a huge red flag.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

He engulfs you.
This much "attention" is control.
Your walls are a good thing- you are listening to your gut feeling that what he is doing is "uncomfortable".
Scrape him off.

[Skyrabbit]

Love music that sounds pretty familiar-even down to the shopping together thing! Like your ex, he doesn't mind me going out with friends, but does get shirty if I say he can't come over because my mate is coming over for a chat - he says he likes them too so wants to be there as well 🙄
And the band - that's a brilliant word for it - engulfing. I feel engulfed and subsumed. It's exhausting!

[Agnes38]

Lovemusic33 how does someone cheat on you with they are with you all the time apart from work? (Genuinely intrigued)

[Lovemusic33]

He cheated whilst he was meant to be at work and whilst he was meant to be with his children (obviously a great dad ).

He was over friendly with my family and friends, acted like he knew them for years (my family didn't like this and they warned me that his behaviour was odd). I was totally brain washed by him, no one had ever showed me this kind of attention, he bought me flowers, took me out for meals and we shared everything. Towards the end of the relationship I started to question is behaviour and at times he became verbally abusive and made me feel guilty for not wanting to be with him all the time, he became very controlling and if we had a argument he would make out I was crazy and imagining things. I believe he was extra nice to me so he could control me. I would never get with someone like this again, huge red flag.

What do your friends think about him? Do your family like him?

[Skyrabbit]

Lovemusic he really was determined to cheat then

My family and friends like him, but think he's ott and needs to step back a bit. Like yours, he behaves as though he's been part of the family for years. Nothing specifically wrong but feels a tad off.