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Fishing, finances or family first?(20 Posts)
Just moved house to look after mum with Alzheimers. Building. Renovating. Living in caravan temporarily. All money from sale of previous house being fed into build. I'm currently not working due to all of the above. Joint decision with DH of 6 years.
DH currently works 4 days. His children stay with us 24 hours at the weekend. Financially we should be laughing because bills are minimal at present however he runs out of money halfway through month then comes to me (I hold money for build as funds were from sale of my house i owned for fifteen years) for a sub. I always say yes because he needs to work/have his children.
If I ask where all the money goes he swivels it around because I don't work at the moment. He does give me a lump sum when he gets paid to cover bills and food but by the time I've done subbing its pretty much all gone back to him. He is still left with a considerable sum after his bills are paid - its not like he's up to the last penny. I'm talking between 500 and 750.
Also much of his spare time is taken up with fishing, often two or three days away at a time or overnight. I suspect more money goes on this than I realise or am being told.
I have always been pretty relaxed about hobbies and such but I am feeling a little bit resentful of it at present.
If I speak to him about the above fishing, I am making him feel guilty and he says he won't go but that's not a solution. Or he makes empty promises about being better with money. Or says he will have to work an extra day so he then won't have time to help with build. He does half a day helping here at a push. Much of his spare time at home is also dedicated to fishing prep.
On top of that I would really like to get away from a caravan and being a full time carer for just a day but then we can't afford it or he offers for me to go fishing with him. I did used to enjoy going with him but it's the topic so often I've died of boredom.
AIBU to expect a little more in the way of support financially and otherwise?
Sorry I didn't realise fishing was such an expensive hobby. . How much ARE worms these days?
No yanbu. Sit him down again to discuss finances. Split into bills and then how much each of you has to play around with. Maybe also consider working and hiring someone to do some work on the build.
Why is he only working 4 days per week?
So stop subbing him.
As long as you keep doing it, he will keep spending on whatever it is he spends on, happy and safe in the knowledge that he can get a top up when it runs out.
Make it clear that the money he pays for bills is for that & you can’t afford to keep subbing him when he runs out
He learns to manage money better or he suffers the consequences
If I ask where all the money goes he swivels it around because I don't work at the moment.
Swivel it back: you have savings due to prior financial savvy - he doesn't. You don't need to be working, you have money. You could get a job, of course. How does he feel about going halves on a paid carer and someone to project manage the build? Because that's what it would cost.
I do know a man who goes fishing every morning 365 days a year.
He has another family.
What is the purpose of this man, what do you get out of this relationship now?. He goes fishing and when he is at home he's doing fishing prep. He has it made with you really; you facilitate his existence.
Why have you given him money?. Have you really been trying to rescue and or save him from his own self here?.
How long will it take for the build to be completed and will it be took late by then for you to be able to care for your mum in a home setting rather than a specialist home?. Is he going to help you with your mother in the long term?
Thanks for the replies. Yes it's expensive and no not because worms. Yes I could go back to work, but no he doesn't want to pay carer or project manager. No he's not having an affair unless she stinks of fishing bait and fish. 4 days a week because helping with build. Supposedly. It all made sense at the time of agreeing it.
He is crap with money. He wouldn't bother investing in property as I have done, and still doing, so I guess he doesn't get that. He's a live in the moment for the moment person. Incidentally wasn't into fishing to this extent when we met, it was an occasional rod in a lake. The hobby has grown into an obsession - he will argue I talk about nothing but building and Alzheimer's.
Yes I have to stop subbing him. I'll be warning him of that today. He sees that he doesn't benefit from this build. Although it means there is no mortgage, and acres of land on which to exhaust other hobbies he doesn't currently have time for. It depends on your viewpoint I guess.
Other than me being reminded he's shit with money, I guess the main thing is its highlighted how extraordinarily pissed off I am with fishing as the be all and end all.
Attila our posts crossed over.
Mum is in early stages. She's in her eighties and her other health is likely to get her first. There is money for full time care at home if and when the need arises.
The rest of your post is fair point. Sometimes I'm a bit dumb ...
He sees that he doesn't benefit from this build.
^This is the root of your problem with your DH.
Was he actively involved in the planning/decisions about the renovations? On the face of it it reads like he resents the renovations and is throwing himself into his hobby instead.
However, he's frittering away £500-£750 per month on his hobby (wtaf). And not even setting aside enough for when his kids come to stay. Is he saving for their future at all?
You need to stop subbing him and sit him down to remind him of why you're doing the renovations. Show him the light at the end if the tunnel.
Yeah he was heavily involved in planning. In particular in the future outside part of how to make it pay. However he sees his graft isn't benefiting him immediately if at all. In my view fwiw, he has a roof over head, no mortgage, room to play and do things he says he's always wanted to do all for little output. I've busted my ass for my shit. Maybe that's why I appreciate it.
No consideration for the future with regard to himself or kids. We aren't married and my kids inherit in the main as it stands. A provision is made for him and his children but it's proprtionate in terms of input/time.
I always say yes because he needs to work/have his children.
I can see why it's hard to say no under the circumstances but you must. What are these costs exactly?
One option might be to work out how much getting to work costs him (if that's what the work money is) and how much he needs for basic (rather than indulgent) child spending, and get him to give you that in addition to the lump sum he pays you each month for bills. Then when he's spent up, it's his own money you can fall back on rather than dipping into your savings. This is you stepping in to manage him in parental mode though.
@butterymuffin I figured if I pre warn him next month there will be no subbing that would remove the making it difficult.
I know he has a fishing syndicate renewal of two hundred plus quid this coming month and he's just paid for a winter ticket on another lake so he definitely needs the warning.
He only does basic spending unless it's fishing. He will go without all sorts to fund it so he can manage his money if shizzle is important to him. That's pretty bad actualy isn't it? Or maybe he just has to go without because fishing came first.
I get your idea re him giving me more then me doling it out when he runs out but my last child just became financially independent. That's not good for either of us ...
Who chose to have land? Is it so you can have livestock at home? I think I'd be refusing any subs, yes, warn him, but he needs to understand that the house is for you both and him constantly requesting back money you live on is obviously counter-productive and lng term, unviable.
You aren't married and he doesn't seem to be a team player.
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