Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can't live like this anymore

(37 Posts)
Muchappreciated Sun 22-Oct-17 09:54:39

Got together when I was 19. He was 27. Said I love you after about 2 weeks of being together. Moved in together after a month. Lavished me with compliments, wanted to spend every minute of the day together. Then I got pregnant very quickly, wasn't sure whether to go through with it but he started saying loads of weird stuff about people with near death experiences reported that they went to hell and were haunted by their aborted babies. (I went along with the pregnancy and she is 2 now and the best thing that ever happened to me.)

Bad trust issues. Checking my phone and whereabouts constantly. Accusing me of cheating nearly every single day of our relationship. Downloads spy apps etc. Doesn't like when I make an effort with my appearance or goes on nights out without him.

When we argue he smashes mirrors/doors and throws things. He shoves/grabs me. Pushes me out of bed onto the floor. Screams in my face. When I try to leave he takes away my car keys, bank card and phone so I am pretty much trapped. He has grabbed me by the throat a number of times and once repeatedly kicked me in the leg when I was sat on the floor in another room hiding from him.
He sometimes punches himself in the face and gives himself black eyes. He says it stops him from doing it to me but still scary nonetheless.

After these incidences he always cries and is apologetic. Tells me it is due to what I said/did. Says he never actually hits me and that I'm just as bad as him (but I don't even shout, I just walk away most of the time).

He is very demanding sexually and wants it up up to 3 times a day. If I refuse to he will sulk and withhold affection from me.

I want out because my life is miserable with him. He shouts at me like I'm a child and moans if I spend any of my own money. I'm not allowed out with my friends and he thinks I'm seeing men behind his back ... I don't want to live like this anymore and I don't want my child growing up around it either.. but for the life of me I do love him. I need to be strong and not go back once it's over. But i'm petrified of all the trouble that's going to come and if it will be worth it or not.

Anybody got any advice or personal experience please share I would much appreciate it x

jeaux90 Sun 22-Oct-17 09:58:17

Yes I do. I left when my daughter was 1. My ex was an abusive narcissist.

Speak to women's aid for advice. He is very abusive and you need to leave.

What's your financial situation?

Have you ever called the police?

something2say Sun 22-Oct-17 10:00:25

This is classic domestic abuse my love. Classic, all the signs. Control, aggression, sexual violence. So, the best thing to do is to ring your local DV support service and get some professional advice and a tailored plan. I'd also want children's services involved because they will protect you and mediate with him, i.e. When he goes for child contact, they will speak with him about his behaviour, manage the risk he poses to her, explain to him that he isn't allowed in your new home or to ring you or have any contact with you.

The main thing tho is, to ring 999 when you're afraid and if you think he's going to hurt you, get in the bathroom no lock the door and start having your mobile phone close at hand so you can use it to get help xxxx

Muchappreciated Sun 22-Oct-17 10:01:54

Thanks for the reply jeaux90. When you left did you ever go back?

Financial situation isnt great but I would end up with more without him as he spends most of what I do have. And I've never called the police, he takes my phone during his explosions and by the time I've got it back it's all calmed down x

something2say Sun 22-Oct-17 10:02:34

Also, you don't have to live like this.
Leaving will be a huge positive for you.
He deserves you to leave but he won't ever admit it.
You don't have to speak to him if you don't want to and if he harasses you, you must keep a record and then get a restraining order or non molestation order from your local court.
The DV service will help you through all of it and children's services will manage him and if he mis behaves, they will cease child contact for you and he will just have to suck it up x

something2say Sun 22-Oct-17 10:03:39

The fact that he takes your phone means he insist you have to put up with it and he takes your only means of escape. Very dangerous man.

Muchappreciated Sun 22-Oct-17 10:03:40

Thank you something2say. I am definitely afraid of my daughter having to visit him when I'm not there. He has never hurt her or anythibg but she is so small I can't bear not being with her xx

something2say Sun 22-Oct-17 10:04:53

The courts and social services will sort all of that out tho x

twofloorsup Sun 22-Oct-17 10:05:39

Please get out this will only get worse.
My situation was virtually identical to yours and he tried to kill me so many times and in front of my children too.

He convinced me if I called the police he would turn it all round on me and I'd lose our 5 kids - to him.

So I stayed and stayed and put up with it all.

Until one day he thought he could pick on my 11 year old son. That gave me the strength I needed to get him out.

Wait til he's asleep take your DD and just go. You'll never regret leaving an abuser no matter how tough it is.

All the best.

Muchappreciated Sun 22-Oct-17 10:07:34

Thank you twofloorsup. It's reassuring to know it happens to others and things can get better. He says things like nobody will love me as much as he does and what if that's true x

AnyFucker Sun 22-Oct-17 10:07:37

Leave.

debbs77 Sun 22-Oct-17 10:07:48

Do you have somewhere you can start to store stuff? Buy a cheap pay as you go phone and add all your contacts.

Get a set of car keys cut.

Get a second bank account.

Store all this somewhere else. He can't use these against you then.

Have an emergency bag ready and stored in the same place.....stuff for you and your child.

Please please seek help

jeaux90 Sun 22-Oct-17 10:08:51

No I didn't go back and he hasn't seen his daughter since she was 3. (I moved back to the uk when she was 2) She is now 8.

You and your dd will be so much better without him believe me. Being a single mum is way better than being in an abusive relationship.

If you want to protect your daughter and you then get the local services involved, speak to women's aid. If you want the court to listen to your concern about contact they need a record so start writing everything down and start reporting it. Coercion and control is now against the law too.

I left mine when I was in the gulf with none of the support we have here so please use them.

Muchappreciated Sun 22-Oct-17 10:09:59

I will start getting organised debbs77 thanks. I have already started saving bits of money too x

Tatiannatomasina Sun 22-Oct-17 10:10:15

He doesnt love you, he owns you. This is not love. Seriously, reach out to friends and family and get the hell out of there.

jeaux90 Sun 22-Oct-17 10:11:14

If that's love then I'm pretty sure you can live without it.

They condition you to accept that as normal. It's not, it's so not.

If you can leave today and have somewhere to go then go. If you don't then speak to women's aid.

Muchappreciated Sun 22-Oct-17 10:12:56

I know Tatianna when I have tried to leave he says he will kill me and any man I end up with. I asked him if he really loved me he wouldn't treat me like that. His reply was something along the lines of I am his nobody elses etc. He doesn't see me as an actual person with feelings. It's always about him x

Muchappreciated Sun 22-Oct-17 10:14:47

I fantasise about how calm the house would be without him in it and how id feel doing my own thing. But then I think what if I can't cope without him or what if its lonely.

BewareOfDragons Sun 22-Oct-17 10:14:54

You need help to get yourself and your DD out of there as quickly and safely as possible.

Speak to women's aid. Speak to family/friends who will support you.

He is dangerous and abusive.

GOod luck, OP.

Muchappreciated Sun 22-Oct-17 10:16:50

Thank you bewareofdragons. I think if I ring womens aid it will feel more real rather just a fantasy. I don't want to waste my life living like this anymore x

twofloorsup Sun 22-Oct-17 10:28:10

There's no worse lonely than being in a relationship and being lonely.

If he lived you he wouldn't hurt you.

My ex went on to abuse another woman. These men are the way they are it is not your fault.

twofloorsup Sun 22-Oct-17 10:28:29

Lived=loved !

springydaffs Sun 22-Oct-17 10:30:32

Yes he is frightening and dangerous. He is the sort who would kill you.

Sorry to be blunt but you need to know what you're dealing with and that you need full support from the relevant services to get him out of your lives. Please be careful.

Women's Aid, or police dv unit. Talk to your gp to get everything recorded. If you can't get through on Women's Aid helpline 0808 2000 247 then look at their site to get your local WA office. Does he stalk you online? Do you know how to clear your browsing history? Details on Women's Aid site.

Women's Aid will recommend you do the Freedom Programme. Wonderful course, do it as soon as possible. You will get so much support there.

Please be careful. He is a dangerous man. flowers

MorrisZapp Sun 22-Oct-17 10:37:23

Taking your phone away so you can't get help is terrifying. Do your family know he does this?

Vquicknamechange Sun 22-Oct-17 10:46:33

Please do ring Women's Aid - it is your reality. And there is a much better life out there for you and your DD. Your story is very similar to mine, and mine ended with an attempt on our lives. I suspect yours might be heading in the same direction. Please dont go through that, get help, you deserve so much better.

I managed to escape 25 years ago and I havent regretted that decision for even one second of all those years. In fact DC (now adult) and I are currently planning a 'fuck you 'XH name' get together to celebrate our lives now compared to the misery of those days. Hopefully you will be doing the same too one day.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now