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Does this sound like emotional abuse?

44 replies

IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 22/10/2017 08:54

Asking for advice as recently confided in a friend about trouble in relationship and they said it's emotional abuse but don't know if that's an over reaction. Sometimes DP can be nice but increasingly all I seem to get is criticism, my every mistake pointed out and made to feel stupid and small and worthless. I try to make conversation and he looks at me like I'm an idiot or says I'm mumbling. So I speak up more emphatically and he asks why I'm "snapping." He recently shouted at me in front of all the kids (two of his own from previous relationship and one of my own) when I was trying to offer advice on a situation said I was trying to be a "smart arse". Often in situation he relates back to me what happened in a way I don't think happened but it makes me question if I'm wrong and it really was all my fault. But I always try to be objective and see it from both sides. If I feel I've done something wrong I will try to apologise and sometimes he accepts that in a patronising kind of way. Will give me a hug for example as if to say "it's ok you messed up." Then he will be nice to me for a while and I question again if I've over reacted. I grew up in a household where my father was an alcoholic and so things were somewhat dysfunctional and I've always vowed I would never let myself become a victim of any kind of abuse. I worry that perhaps I'm reading too much into it but also that because of growing up that way as a child I possibly have fallen into a pattern of what feels normal and familiar to me. I do not want my young DC to ever experience what I went through so think I need to have a long hard think about it. Am I over reacting to this sort of thing? Don't get a lot of sleep as my DD has additional needs and so that takes a lot out of me which DP knows and has witnessed first hand. So I worry that he is playing on that at times to make out I'm being over sensitive or kind of mis-remembering situations as they happened. I have my own faults as I say have a lot of stress in my life and anxiety related health problems so perhaps I don't react to things in the best way at times but I do genuinely try to do all I can to make him happy and feel it's never enough.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2017 09:04

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?.

Your friend is correct; this man is being emotionally abusive towards you. Abuse like you describe as well is truly insidious in its onset.

Your childhood spent with your alcoholic dad messed up your boundaries hugely so this also played its part here in leading you into the arms of this man; that also all needs to be unpicked properly through counselling on your own. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and you were taught an awful lot of damaging stuff that needs to be unlearnt.

This man you are now with will never be "happy"; he likes having you around so you can wash his pants and feed him and to also put you down as and when he feels like it. These are not the actions of a loving partner.

I would also contact Womens Aid and talk to them further; their number is 0808 2000 247. They can and will also help you give you the tools. Men like you describe can take a long time, years even, to recover from so I would also urge you to enrol on their Freedom Programme and do this in person if at all possible as well.