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He doesn't know if he loves me

(137 Posts)
TerribleTime Sun 22-Oct-17 07:50:16

Just that really. I've been with my DP for over four years. It hasn't been the fairytale romance you dream about but we've both been faithful.

He has never told me he loves me in the time we've been together but has always jokingly avoided the question. I outright asked him if he loved me last night. His response: I'm not sure. Love is a very strong word and I use it sparingly. confused

I feel like I deserve a partner who loves me wholeheartedly and thinks I'm the best thing ever. When I told him I thought I deserved more in a relationship he told me to ask him again in a few weeks (WTF).

I have told him that I won't be asking him again in a few weeks and I'm not going to pressure him to feel something for me just because I want him to.

The thing is, now I know he doesn't love me where do I go? We have no DC together and aren't financially enmeshed. The weird thing is, I can't imagine sleeping with him again knowing he feels how he feels.

Has anyone been in this situation and what did you do? Any other advice is also welcome.

RefuseTheLies Sun 22-Oct-17 07:53:05

Why would you stay with someone who doesn't love you?

Dozer Sun 22-Oct-17 07:54:21

End the relationship.

TerribleTime Sun 22-Oct-17 07:54:46

Fair point but I love him and I suppose I keep hoping that he will come to love me.

Bruceishavingfish Sun 22-Oct-17 07:56:50

If he doesnt love you 4 years in, why will it change?

Walkacrossthesand Sun 22-Oct-17 07:58:49

For 3 years I was with a lovely man who couldn't say he loved me - it meant he didn't see a future for us together, so in the end I ended it - I didn't want to carry on investing in something without a future. Broke my heart, but I got over it. Does your DP talk about the future?

Rainbowqueeen Sun 22-Oct-17 08:00:36

I would end it.

He sounds like someone who will mess with your head.

You are right you do deserve someone who will love you wholeheartedly and if he doesn't know that he does by now, it is unlikely that he will ever. Sorry flowers. And good on you for addressing it. At least you know where you stand and you can make a decision accordingly

HerOtherHalf Sun 22-Oct-17 08:01:36

Fair point but I love him and I suppose I keep hoping that he will come to love me.

So what exactly do you imagine might change for that to happen? How much more time are you prepared to risk wasting hoping for something that probably won't happen? Are you confident you can, and happy to, prevent your relationship becoming any more complicated (babies, mortgages etc) until you know if he's ever going to be completely committed to you?

Dozer Sun 22-Oct-17 08:01:37

Why have you waited 4 years?!

The “ask me in a month” thing is cruel. Seems like a power game.

Badgertastic Sun 22-Oct-17 08:05:12

I'm so sorry. That is a really hurtful thing to find out after 4 years. You deserve a lot more than the answer...I'm not sure. He should know that by now.
I had a previous relationship where we were very much in love in the beginning and got engaged but at some point along the way we grew apart, the love was not there anymore and neither of us worked to keep the relationship going dispite talking about what we needed to do to fix things. It was one of the hardest decisions to make to walk away from a four year relationship as we were living together happily enough just without the spark, but I realised I deserved more for myself.
I met my now DH two years after the breakup. I love him more now than I did in the beginning. He shows me his love every day and tells me too. I'm so glad I made the change to my life.
You deserve to be loved and feel that love every day.

Bluntness100 Sun 22-Oct-17 08:11:20

I wonder why he has been in a relationship for four years with a woman he doesn’t and has never loved. Surely he himself wants more?

Four years together and you have not entwined your lives, no marriage, no kids, no joint finances. Just end it, this is no way to live. Thinking he will come to love you is foolish, if he doesn’t after four years he never will and certainly not in thr next few weeks. That was a particularly cruel thing to say.

Is he cruel in other ways?

TerribleTime Sun 22-Oct-17 08:12:06

I know I need to end it. I no longer see him in the same light.

I'm not up for just being a convenient shag until someone better comes along.

He does mess with your head though. He keeps hinting that he does love me but then I ask him outright and he says he doesn't know but to ask him again in a few weeks. What will change in a few weeks? Nothing.

pog100 Sun 22-Oct-17 08:12:12

More important than saying it, is showing it. Does he?

Aussiebean Sun 22-Oct-17 08:16:38

What a cruel man. Playing with your emotions like that.

Focus on the fact that he is the type of man who would do that to someone. That may help you consider if you really love the real him.

Bluntness100 Sun 22-Oct-17 08:17:27

More important than saying it, is showing it. Does he?

This Isn’t just not saying it though is it. This is being deliberately cruel, dangling it like a carrot, I assume so he can get easily laid.

TerribleTime Sun 22-Oct-17 08:19:47

He can be quite cruel. For example, I used to go on short holidays away with a friend for a couple of days in the sun. We had done this for years since university but once I got together with DP he used to make it difficult for me to go and would withdraw from me before and after - there would always be consequences. Not physical but emotional.

But when I confront him about this he denies it and says I'm imagining things.

Bruceishavingfish Sun 22-Oct-17 08:22:18

Thats emotional abuse.

He isnt telling you not to go. But he is acting in a way so you modify your behaviour so it suits him better.

He is doing it with with holding the i love you. He wants to keep you limbo. So you keep working harder to make him love you.

He is abusing you.

GeekyWombat Sun 22-Oct-17 08:23:23

If after four years he’s not sure he loves you, what on earth is going to change his mind in the next couple of weeks?

You deserve someone who loves you and is happy to both say it and show you that’s how he feels about you.

I’d never heard of the sunken costs fallacy before I started reading MN but it really is true in this case I think.


JustGettingStarted Sun 22-Oct-17 08:23:40

He likes to play games. When you dump him, he will say things to make you change your mind. He may even say that he loves you.

If you fall for it, you'll be sorry.

Ecclesiastes Sun 22-Oct-17 08:24:11

I'm not up for just being a convenient shag until someone better comes along.

The time to draw that particular line in the sand was four years ago, but I guess you already know that.

He can be quite cruel

Do yourself a big favour and make today the day you tell him to fuck off.

Hellywelly10 Sun 22-Oct-17 08:25:30

I'm sorry op. I had a relationship with a man that didn't love me. I don't think it was his fault, his early life experiences led him to cut off his emotions, was easier for him not to feel anything. Looking back was probably PTSD.

HerOtherHalf Sun 22-Oct-17 08:27:14

he used to make it difficult for me to go and would withdraw from me before and after - there would always be consequences.

That's controlling and emotional abuse.

when I confront him about this he denies it and says I'm imagining things.

That's gaslighting, a classic abuser's tactic.

There's more going on here than just the lack of love issue, which should be a dealbreaker in itself. FFS, get away before he wears you down to the point where you believe you aren't worth any more than what he's offering. That's what will eventually happen.

Bruceishavingfish Sun 22-Oct-17 08:28:55

Oh and when you do try and break it off. He will probably tell you he loves you.

To reel you back in and make you question wether you should leave him. He will love bomb you. Make you feel like the most special woman in the world. And when he has you back. He will start withdrawing affection to modify your behaviour again.

He will be lovely when you do what pleases him. And thats how he will control you. Until one day, you arent a person anymore. You just there. Just existing. You dont know who you are, what you enjoy, what you want. Its all about who he wants you to be, what he enjoys, what he wants.

Can you tell i have been where you are?

Dusktilldawn Sun 22-Oct-17 08:28:57

He will panic if you end it and suddenly decide he does love you madly after all.

TerribleTime Sun 22-Oct-17 08:29:32

Hellywelly he has had a traumatic experience relationship wise in the past where a woman he'd been in love with for years left him without any explanation (or so he says).

However that's his issue not mine. I can't be expected to hang around whilst he makes up his mind. I'm in my mid 30s now and want children.

Did you leave him in the end?

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