Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Should I go and be with my brother

(29 Posts)
letmeeatcakes Sun 22-Oct-17 01:54:13

Earlier this evening I received a message from my nephew telling me 'dad' had a cardiac arrest, was given cpr for 18 minutes and is now on a ventilator in hospital. Tomorrow the ventilator will be removed. My brother has a 'do not resuscitate ' request. My brother had an accident about 7 years ago that left him paralyzed from the chest down and needing round the clock special care. I moved to Europe 8 years ago under dreadful circumstances. I was drinking to cope, my partner was trying to take my daughters away from me so I ended up going with them (a very long story for another day) although it is a lonely life, I don't speak the language but I have been able to be with my daughters, become a pretty good mum and haven't had a drink for about 6 years now. My partner does still have a drink problem. Tomorrow is my daughters 15th birthday, my partner is away on a business trip tomorrow morning so I brought the birthday celebrations forward a day so we could spend it together as a family.

It's 2.30am, NO I am not drinking I just don't know what to do. I love my brother very much, he knows this. Should I book a flight and go to him tomorrow? This means I will be away for my daughters official birthday, it will also mean my partner cancelling/delaying his trip that is important to his job. we have no one here to care for my daughters for a couple of days if I go. The practical part of me is already accepting that I have already lost my brother, 18 minutes is a long time for cardiac arrest and with a DNR wish ! but my heart is telling me to go and be with him when they take the ventilator out regardless of what the outcome will be.

I feel very lost and really need someone to talk to for advice. What should I do

Rhynswynd Sun 22-Oct-17 01:57:20

I would go. Your daughter will understand and you will never forget if you don't see your brother again. Just go. Deal with any fallout with your daughter (if any) after you have said your goodbyes.

myrtleWilson Sun 22-Oct-17 01:58:48

Have you been able to speak to the hospital at all - does the ventilator need to be removed tomorrow - by that I mean is there a medical issue if he is kept ventilated for longer? I'm not asking this to determine whether you should travel or not by the way - just trying to understand why tomorrow's deadline has been set?

Isadora2007 Sun 22-Oct-17 01:59:27

I would go. Take your daughters if necessary or possible?

OytheBumbler Sun 22-Oct-17 02:00:02

I would go and be with your brother. Your daughter will (hopefully) have many more birthdays but this will be the last chance you have to spend time with your brother.

Isadora2007 Sun 22-Oct-17 02:00:21

Also I’m wondering Why was CPR given despite a DNR Order?

Cricrichan Sun 22-Oct-17 02:01:36

You need to go. You'll never get this day back..your husband can miss one trip in an emergency. I'm so sorry.

Reppin Sun 22-Oct-17 02:07:40

I think you should go. What do you mean by DNR? That is what CPR is.

Temporary2002 Sun 22-Oct-17 02:12:54

DNR means Do Not Resuscitate...cpr should not have been given, but perhaps nobody was thete to tell them about the dnr?

Temporary2002 Sun 22-Oct-17 02:19:30

I forgot to say, I am so very sorry about your brother. If you are able to go be with your brother, I am sure your dd would understand. Or bring them with you. You would probably be a comfort to his family.

nocoolnamesleft Sun 22-Oct-17 02:23:12

I fear that if you don't go, you will always regret it.

BikeRunSki Sun 22-Oct-17 02:24:27


Reppin Sun 22-Oct-17 02:25:17

Sorry, I meant I know what DNR is, just meant that CPR is resuscitation. But yes, maybe there was no one there to state his wishes.

notangelinajolie Sun 22-Oct-17 02:29:23

Go. Very sorry for your sad news sad

BalloonDinosaur Sun 22-Oct-17 02:36:42

Go and be with your brother, I agree with PP that I imagine it is something you would come to regret very much in the future.

Can you take your daughter/s with you? X

yorkshireyummymummy Sun 22-Oct-17 02:54:29

If it's at all possible then go to your brother.
You won't regret going but you may end up with a lifelong regret if you don't.
You love your brother very much- so go to him, hold his warm hand, tell him how much you love him and that you will always miss him. Then give your SIL (?) , Mother/Father(?) , nephew some support when the ventilator is turned off.
You are an intelligent woman, you know what you need to do.
You are looking for validation - well we have all,give it to you.
Your daughter will understand, it's a birthday, it's not a milestone one and it an be celebrated when you get back.
Book your flight.
Go be with your beloved brother. And I send you my very best wishes.

Piccolino2 Sun 22-Oct-17 02:56:06

I think you need to go. Being with one of my loved ones in their final moments is a huge privilege and if you don’t go you may regret it for the rest of your life.

Let your husband cancel is work trip. Work will always be there and at the end of the day it’s only work. Get him to spoil your daughter and make it up to her yourself when you get home and are able to.

Your brothers family may need you and you may find you need to be there more than you are feeling now. If you go it’s doubtful you will regret it. Regret is hard to live with.

So sorry for your bad news.

TanteRose Sun 22-Oct-17 03:05:59

Another one saying go.
So very sorry about your brother flowers

Angelf1sh Sun 22-Oct-17 06:18:41

Go. Work doesn’t matter in these situations. I’d take your daughter with you but even if she stays behind she’ll understand why you went, moreover she was expecting one parent to miss her birthday anyway (it’s just changing from her father to her mother). Fortunately you’ve already had the celebration.

Eminado Sun 22-Oct-17 06:23:19

Please go.

I am so very sorry flowers

Also - WELL DONE for not drinking.

Ts27 Sun 22-Oct-17 06:26:25

Speak to your daughter, I'm sure she will understand. Take her with you if you can. Sorry to hear about your brother.

Florence16 Sun 22-Oct-17 06:29:10

I’d go to see your brother. Like others have said, deal with the fallout later and.

For those saying why did he get CPR if has a DNR. Health professionals must do CPR until they have proof of the DNR. If someone is found in an emergency situation and the people with them don’t know, they will usually automatically resuscitate and it is only when family arrive and it becomes known there is a DNR that it ceases at times.

Fruitboxjury Sun 22-Oct-17 06:29:52

Please go, for your brother, for his children and family and for yourself.

You will always question yourself if you don't, these moments will stay with you forever.

letmeeatcakes Mon 23-Oct-17 17:25:11

Thank you everyone. I'm at the airport and on my way back home. I visited my brother yesterday afternoon, he had already had the ventilator removed and was breathing through an oxygen mask. He let a tear slip when he saw me so I know the decision to go was the right one and thank you for all the comments and validations. I visited again early this morning and more, albeit slight improvement, I am so happy he has pulled through, although will remain in ITU for a while. I feel relief, having spoken to the nurse a survivor of cardiac arrest is at higher risk to arrest again with slimmer chances of survival so, IF it were to happen maybe I wouldn't have time to get there, but he knows that I was there with him when it happened and I feel he would understand and know that I would be trying to be with him, smallcomfort I hope. The medics that provided the 18 mins of CPR were unaware of the DNR in place which would have applied if he could not breathe once the ventilator had been removed. I feel relief and when so many say GO it did validate my reasoning to leave the home situation behind and do something that I needed and wanted to do, which lessons the guilt. Thank you everyone, I am so lucky x

springydaffs Mon 23-Oct-17 23:44:59

Well done for going. You did the right thing flowers

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: