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Pregnant, lonely and head racing

(67 Posts)
Nadeynoo Sat 21-Oct-17 23:53:29

NC for this to try to be fully objective.

I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant by a man I love very much. We aren't together and I'm missing him every day and feel like I'm missing out on all the special moments this pregnancy together.

Unfortunately we aren't together because he has trust issues after being cheated on in the past. I have never cheated on anybody so it's devastating for me that we aren't together due to him accusing me of things that aren't true.

I became pregnant completely by surprise - didn't think I could conceive due to endometriosis and other issues. I also took the morning after pill and was scanned very early in the pregnancy due to the risk of it being ectopic. All I could think was how much I wanted the baby to be okay and thankfully it is.

At first he wanted the baby and was really supportive. Came to an early scan and started to make plans with me. Then suddenly his head freaked out and I got the usual horrible accusations about cheating again. A few weeks later, around 9 weeks, he decided he wanted me to have a termination. I wanted to meet up to discuss this properly but he refused so I wasn't going to make a decision like that based on some ranty texts from him. Apparently I should have known that he wanted me to have one earlier. I want this baby but wanted to have an open, mature conversation about things. To be fair, he has a teenage son from a previous relationship where the pregnancy was a surprise too. He adores his son and, from from what I saw, is a great dad but I appreciate that it seems like history repeating itself. He's a man who is very scarred by his past.

When we are together we get on so well. It's easy and intimate and relaxed and fun. But as soon as we are apart the problems start and he can be so vicious in what he says. He feels that he'll 'never be enough' for me so I understand this is from low self esteem due to his ex cheating and I'm bearing the brunt of it.

Why can't I cut him off and see I'm better off without him? I'm genuinely devastated as I've seen the nice, warm, caring, lovely side to him. When I had a bad cough (I'm asthmatic) he actually rocked me to sleep one night and really took care of me.

I feel like I've been conditioned to loving people who can't or won't love me back. My mother - who now has Alzheimer's and whom I spend a week every month caring for in my home country - gave us a lot of emotional abuse as children because she struggled with the fact that our dad loved us so much and she used to accuse us from a very young age of trying to break up their marriage. So I've also been brought up trying to placate and please someone who can never be satisfied. I know there are strong links to what's happening now...particularly the false accusations and wanting love from someone who won't give it. Also, because I'm pregnant and thinking about motherhood, this is all going round and round in my mind.

I miss him so much and I feel so alone. I have to move house next week and will be facing that on my own - it's not the physical side of that that worries me because I can hire someone to help, but the emotional side - it just seems so grim and lonely. He's ignoring me right now. He suggested meeting a couple of weeks ago - we did and it was lovely being together as usual but then the madness, accusations, horrible comments and broken plans happened again.

I'm feeling so fragile right now and I'm worried about when the baby comes. I'm going to counselling here in the UK and in my home country but I'm just overwhelmed, lonely and really need some kindness right now.

bluebell34567 Sat 21-Oct-17 23:59:33

he is not giving the kindness you need.
I don't think it will be an easy relation with him.
end it and don't get hurt by him anymore.
you need support not hurt.

Nadeynoo Sun 22-Oct-17 00:03:30

Thank you bluebell.

It's actually me initiating contact now because I desperately want his kindness and support. I guess he's choosing not to give it.

Meow34 Sun 22-Oct-17 00:04:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cricrichan Sun 22-Oct-17 00:05:18

Hi lovely

This is not a lovely man. He's treated you terribly. Accessed you of stuff, blown hot and cold about the pregnancy and left you to cope with this on your own.

You really really are much better off without him. It's horrible being with someone who doesn't trust you. Little by little you alter your behaviour to minimise the risk of them thinking that you might be with someone. You worry about speaking to men, about a comment that you might write on Facebook. You'll avoid going out on just girls nights as it's not worth the agro and you'll still get accused of stuff. This is my life at the moment op. I know it's really hard to see it at the moment, but it will kill all the love you have for him and it'll be a lot harder to split when your lives are more intertwined.

And raising a child alone is far easier than raising one with someone you have such fundamental issues with.

bluebell34567 Sun 22-Oct-17 00:06:00

he isn't a nice person. dont expect such things from him you will be disappointed.
don't you have anyone else to support you in RL?
you can do this alone like many people did, you don't need him, he only gives grief.

Nadeynoo Sun 22-Oct-17 00:08:59

Do you think so Meow?

I see the kindness that he is capable of and it kills me that he doesn't show me that consistently. He's been very badly hurt in the past and I think it tarnishes everything he sees and says. But I also know it's about choices in what you say and how you behave.

I was a complete disaster in my first relationship at 18. Couldn't believe anyone could really love me, so I know what he's going through. Time and counselling helped me to behave more maturely in relationships.

Nadeynoo Sun 22-Oct-17 00:10:18

Thanks cricrichan. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with a suspucious

pog100 Sun 22-Oct-17 00:10:38

to anyone from the outside it is as plain as day that you should distance yourself from him as far as is humanly possible. It looks clear that he is never going to be a good partner to you, and I doubt he has the wherewithal to be a great father either. I know it's hard but let him go as far as he will go.

Waddlingwanda Sun 22-Oct-17 00:12:59

I feel for you I really do. You sure he's not just worried and scared, to me he just sounds like a coward.

I think for your sanity you need to focus on your life and how you're going to raise your child.

FWIW though, I was in exactly the same situation with our first he walked out and I was left picking up the pieces, including like you a house move.
I picked myself up and dusted off, I got myself sorted, I got everything in place etc and generally felt a bit better.

Nadeynoo Sun 22-Oct-17 00:13:29

Sorry, hit post too soon! Sorry that you are dealing with something similar cricrichan.

A few weeks ago he was out. I set my alarm to go off every 10 mins so that I wouldn't miss any texts. If I didn't text back quickly I'd get awful accusations. I was sick with myself over that. The accusations came anyway, even though I was awake to respond, and he hasn't seen me since. I sound pathetic, don't I?

Meow34 Sun 22-Oct-17 00:14:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluebell34567 Sun 22-Oct-17 00:14:41

yes, let him go as far as he will go.

Meow34 Sun 22-Oct-17 00:16:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shaaan1329 Sun 22-Oct-17 00:18:17

I feel for you OP. I could have written this. I’m 28 weeks pregnant, the father of my little boy left me when I was 8 weeks pregnant. He’s an abusing drug user who is not ready/willing to change for his new family. He would go weeks without talking to me, then he would come round to my house and ‘take me back’ (which I was never strong enough to say no to, I just longed for his attention, company and love) only to leave again with no warning and repeat this viscous cycle.

I am offering out a hand to hold! I too moved house in the midst of all this and I will admit the first week was hell, I was so painfully lonely. Then I started filling it with bits for the baby, and started to concentrate on things like that. It does get easier I promise. My ExP is still trying to play his usual games, to which I am trying my absolute hardest not to let get to me and be strong for my baby.

As your pregnancy progresses and you begin to bond with bump, some perspective will come. Cliche and annoying as it is, time really is a great healer. Midwife appointments will be hard (I found EVERYTHING is aimed at happy couples). Do you have family support? What about friends? I don’t have many ‘Mum friends’ so I’ve signed up to prenatal yoga, maybe you could do something like this for moral support? Also Mumsnet is great. Find your antenatal class thread on here and talk to people who are due around the same time.

Meow34 Sun 22-Oct-17 00:21:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nadeynoo Sun 22-Oct-17 00:31:12

Waddlingwanda Thank you. It helps to hear from someone who has been in the same position. We have spoken about him being worried and scared. I do think it's fear that's driving a lot of this.

Meow34 Sorry to hear that you experienced DV and well done for finding the strength to come out the other side. I did tell him that the way he speaks to me is abusive and he was appalled - rightly said that nobody should be in an abusive relationship. He veers between thinking he doesn't deserve my love and the mad accusations.

Shaaan Thank you for the hand hold! I know just what you mean about craving his love, attention and support. You are very right about the midwife appts - I have one on Monday and the last one was very 'happy families'!

I keep thinking it's me - that if I try harder or find the right words it'll all be okay. Or, sickeningly, that he'll meet someone he loves enough to be nice to. That really kills me. I think I'm predisposed from childhood to stick it out (because I had no choice!) And keep hoping, while somehow thinking there's a flaw in me.

Thank you for your posts tonight. They have really helped me feel less alone.

Nadeynoo Sun 22-Oct-17 00:35:45

I think my head is also in a spin because I will be going home to have the baby. My mother is insisting on being with me as I give birth and will take it very badly if she isn't allowed. For obvious reasons I don't want her there but she is also in the mild-moderate stages of Alzheimer's so I could end up trying to mind her. It's still a long way off but I'm hoping to find a solution where she is there for an hour at the start and then whisked away.

Meow34 Sun 22-Oct-17 00:36:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meow34 Sun 22-Oct-17 00:39:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shaaan1329 Sun 22-Oct-17 00:40:58

I have become an expert at long paragraphs full of life advice, huge monologues about how he will regret his decisions, what’s best for our child and so on. Honestly can’t count the amount of times I’ve sat and lectured him on the rights and wrongs of his behaviour! I’ve tried tough love, I’ve tried begging, crying the lot and none of it gets through to him for more than 10 minutes.

I concluded that it’s best to loosen my ties on him, and let him do what he wants and all I can do it hope he changes and realises what he can with me. In reality if that’s not how it works out, there’s nothing I can do. It’s so hard to accept that though, I’m halfway there and getting stronger by the day just as you will too, but I only realised this days ago. In fact it was when I made a complete fool out of myself by messaging a girl who came on the scene for him and destroying her perception of him completely. The turning point was when I realised it didn’t make me feel any better, in fact I felt worse dragging hurtful feelings up I’d been trying to hard to repress.

(Sorry if you think I’m ranting I don’t intend to but I feel it’s helpful to look back on how far you’ve come sometimes).

We can do this OP!!

Nadeynoo Sun 22-Oct-17 00:43:02

I think he's scared of trusting and loving, not being a dad. It's been like this since before I got pregnant, unfortunately. He wants emotional intimacy but it terrifies him. I also know a lot of what he says to me is really aimed at his ex.

So it's been up and down. He's been lovely and warm and kind, then panics and pulls away.

He knows about the stuff with my mum. But tells me I can't love

Nadeynoo Sun 22-Oct-17 00:45:59

Shaaan I have given those speeches too! Probably word for word. I ended up in hospital in very early pregnancy and he was upset he couldn't be there for me - he was drunk. Then I think he started to feel bad about himself and pushed me away again

Nadeynoo Sun 22-Oct-17 00:47:28

Seriously everyone, thank you so much. I've been here in tears all evening and you have really helped me.

Tuileries Sun 22-Oct-17 00:50:46

I'm sorry you're going through this. It really does seem like he is an abusive man. I sympathise because I have just left a man I love with all my heart but came to realise his behaviour was abusive towards me. He also had many issues. I too think that it's me and if only I'd tried harder it would be okay. I was led to believe in childhood that if something went wrong in a relationship, it must have been my fault. flowers

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