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Is this as bad as I think it is?

(61 Posts)
PurpleStar123 Sat 21-Oct-17 18:08:13

Background, DH and I are both strong characters/personalities. Usual 'wifework' type issues with him but he is better at pulling his weight than he used to be, we share childcare responsibilities and we both work hard and FT.

I do get v irritated about the house chore issues and he says we have different standards and I project my stress onto the household and make everyone uncomfortable.

It came to a head yesterday when he had left something precariously in the entrance hall and I hurt myself on it. I swore and said he was 'fucking lazy' to have left it there. This was in front of the DC. He shouted at me for saying that to him and we spent the evening in different rooms. Today he exploded and shouted and swore, again in front of the DC, and said if I called him lazy again he would 'drag me out of the house by my hair'.

The DC understandably started crying so I packed a bag and left. Before I left with the DC, he told the children I was a bully and he had had enough of me treating him like that.

It is now nearly bedtime and I don't know what to do. Is his reaction as bad as I think? He would say my domineering behaviour provoked him.

beesandknees Sat 21-Oct-17 18:10:37

You both sound fucking awful. You swore at him, name called him in front of his children? What the fuck is wrong with you?

travailtotravel Sat 21-Oct-17 18:11:26

Where are you? Do you have family or friends you could stay with tonight?

AtrociousCircumstance Sat 21-Oct-17 18:12:54

He is a lazy bastard. He did something thoughtless and you hurt yourself. I'm sure you exploded after a loooooong period of building frustration.

His threat to hurt you was totally unacceptable and far, far worse than you swearing at him in anger.

Leave the fucker.

travailtotravel Sat 21-Oct-17 18:13:11

If you do go there. Tell him where you are and arrange to talk tomorrow. You both need to talk. And both need to listen.

pallisers Sat 21-Oct-17 18:17:07

you both sound like you have anger issues tbh but his are much worse. I think your outburst is more excusable since you had hurt yourself which often makes people snap. His threatening to hurt you in front of your children is absolutely awful.

Is this a good relationship in which to rear children together? It doesn't sound like it.

PurpleStar123 Sat 21-Oct-17 18:31:01

Atrocious, that is how I feel; I swore because it became apparent he did not care that I had hurt myself due to his poor positioning of something rather than taking it to the right place. I have tried to give both sides so the advice can be as productive and balanced as possible and to figure out if his reaction was justified.

Bruceishavingfish Sat 21-Oct-17 18:50:42

He didnt put it there to hurt you. You are an adult. I am pretty sure you could have negotiated it without hurting yourself.

You both shout and swear and call names. You both show verbal agression.

One of you leaving is the best thing.

Whose fault this is is difficult to say. Ot could be that you have different standards of housework, you could be constantly bullying him and calling names. He could simply be a cunt.

Either way your kids shouldnt be around this. Your kids are being damaged by both of you.

abbsisspartacus Sat 21-Oct-17 18:53:22

Why did he explode today?

Annoyed5678 Sat 21-Oct-17 18:59:27

This is all wrong, his actions make it worse as he didn't threaten and swear straight after you did instead sat in a different room festering all night before doing it. This is volatile situation and if you both don't start treating each other with a certain level of respect your children will be the ones to suffer

Joysmum Sat 21-Oct-17 19:01:35

Damn right I’d swear at anyone who caused me hurt if they have a history of being thoughtless. It’s understandable to be angry in that situation where you were not only hurt but your DH couldn’t give a shit, and I don’t buy into this mumsnet attitude that we should all be perfect all the time with no rights to get angry or upset!

What I wouldn’t do is threaten them physically, especially in front of a child. That’s a whole new level.

PurpleStar123 Sat 21-Oct-17 20:59:39

Joys, that's how I feel about it but I feel like DH's view of me is making me doubt myself

CocoaIsGone Sat 21-Oct-17 21:06:27

Are you somewhere safe with DC? It sounds like the two of you need some time apart and the kids to be out of the arguments.

You swore at him (not good); he shouted back (not good); you both festered in different rooms (not good)

There was then an option to patch it up, he escalated it by threatening you for calling him lazy (not for swearing at him) in a way which was beyond appropriate- asking you not to swear and name call, yes, threatening you, no.

I would not be going back. You both played a part in the original argument, he ramped it up scarily after several hours to think about it (most people would have calmed down, unless your marriage is a tinder box).

PurpleStar123 Sat 21-Oct-17 21:08:30

We are fine thank you, I decided not to go back home tonight at least.

SandyY2K Sat 21-Oct-17 21:09:00

You were wrong to swear in front of the children.

He was out of order in threatening violence to you. He was wrong to swear in front of the children. He was also very wrong to tell your children that you're a bully.

I'm not surprised you left the house.
The threat of violence would really be the kicker, especially in front of the kids.

I'd feel I had to separate and would only give him a second chance if he begged and apologised to me and the DC ... with an assurance it would never happen again.

Nothing else would do .. but that's me.

Hangryhangryhrmm Sat 21-Oct-17 21:12:26

you shouldn't have sworn, but he really upped the ante..

He's turned it from bickering to unacceptable.

Hope you're okay

CocoaIsGone Sat 21-Oct-17 21:15:13

Good, I don’t think you can go back until he apologises, otherwise you are left with a threat hanging over you. Given the scale of the anger (on both sides initially and then from him), I would be seriously considering my options.

I hope you get some sleep and you have some real life support flowers

PurpleStar123 Sat 21-Oct-17 21:17:17

Cocoa, I'm scared to get RL support because of what he said. He will never apologise- he will say I drove him to it.

ferando81 Sat 21-Oct-17 21:26:09

If you want the house spotless -that's what u want not him.If it's that important to you either live on your own or find a partner who has the same standards as you.
You are trying to bully him when you know he's a strong personality-never going to end well

PurpleStar123 Sat 21-Oct-17 21:29:40

I really don’t want the house spotless and I have never said that on here or to him. Dirty washing off the floor would be a start.

Hangryhangryhrmm Sat 21-Oct-17 21:30:11

Fernando, what the fuck?

Swearing when you hurt yourself is nothing to do with bullying and certainly doesn't give your partner the right to threaten you with violence.

NotTheFordType Sat 21-Oct-17 21:33:10

I'm scared to get RL support because of what he said.

Do you mean that if you seek support from family/friends, you are scared he will physically hurt you?

Hangryhangryhrmm Sat 21-Oct-17 21:33:21

OP flowers Hope you can get some sleep.

I hope DH comprehends how disgraceful what he said was, and that he is convincing about the fact that there was no genuine intention there... You cannot "drive someone" to violence, he cannot use that as an excuse abusive behaviour. He needs anger management classes in that case.

We all say things that we regret, but that was beyond the pale. You're completely justified in how you feel OP

AdalindSchade Sat 21-Oct-17 21:35:04

Fuck sake you aren't bullying him. He sounds like a lazy twat and a nasty bastard to boot.

CocoaIsGone Sat 21-Oct-17 21:42:37

The most important thing to know is that you did not drive him to it. There are many more reasonable ways to have responded. Provocation is no longer a defence for abuse, and intimidation and threatening behaviour is abuse. And given the time delay, he was not even provoked, he festered on it.

He does not need to know you have spoken to someone in real life.

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