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problems forming female friendships

(6 Posts)
coastalchick Sat 21-Oct-17 08:20:26

So, Im pretty convinced I have this issue and I am trying to get pregnant at the moment (am 39 and had a missed miscarriage end august at 10 weeks) and am so petrified of having a girl and fucking her life up.

I've always struggled with female friendships, ever since I was small. I think it comes from the fact that my mother had trouble bonding with me when I was a child and I know she struggled as her mother was an alcoholic and basically slept around all over the place and left when my mum was 8. I'm pretty sure she never saw her again after that.

She had a stepmother (who I always thought was my real grandma until I was about 21!) and things were ok but she and my grandad went on to have a kid of their own (my mum had a sister who was also daughter of alcoholic grandma and she is weird) so think my mum always felt shoved out.

My mum doesn't have any close female friendships and never really has had. In fact, she slags off those she is supposed to be friends with quite a lot, one in particular.

I don't blame my mum. She had severe depression and when I was about 11 she just used to lie on the sofa all day. She has overcome a lot though and has 2 degrees, one of which she studied for when my brother and I were small, just before the depression hit.

Recently (I think it's because we are now trying for a family), I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things and I've realised I have massively struggled with female relationships throughout my life. I don't think I'm very liked by other women and I'm not entirely sure why. I don't think it's a jealousy thing (I'm not much to look at) and I just don't know what to do.

I have 2 girls I am good friends with - but we don't see each other than often due to one's work commitments and the other spends a lot of time with her OH and has just bought a house which needs gutting so is spending lots of time doing that. They are, I guess, more "blokey" than other girls which is maybe why I get on with them.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just not fun enough, but I just can't seem to have close friendships with women.

I'm petrified of having a daughter and her ending up the same way. What do I do? I do want to have close female friendships.

I am guessing I have very low self esteem too

pallasathena Sat 21-Oct-17 08:47:44

You stop worrying and start being kind to yourself. Invest in yourself, whether its through joining groups, getting into fitness, evening class, whatever...that's how most people make friends and develop confidence and raise their levels of self esteem.
Reading books about parenting, emotional abuse, dealing with difficult people helped me too.
You need to be happy in your own skin first. You sound lovely by the way. Just relax and don't try so hard or overthink too much.

Jason118 Sat 21-Oct-17 09:01:22

Your life should be about you and not a retrospective on mothers/grandmothers. It's what you do and how you want your life to be that's important. Find a cupboard and go and put all the baggage in there, turn around and walk away from it and then it's all up to you. Stay positive and move forwards - shoulders are for putting your head on, not for looking backwards over. Good luck.

coastalchick Sat 21-Oct-17 09:57:09

Thanks guys and some good tips there. I had counselling around 12 years ago as I had massive abandonment issues in romantic relationships. Sorted that out though my therapist died of cancer a few years ago and there's no-one else decent I've been able to find.

You're right though, it's about what I do now. I might try to revive some of my peripheral female friendships though these days it seems its all about going out and getting hammered, which I don't want to do at my age (that group are a little younger) - might have to suggest something more pedestrian!

Tealdeal747 Sat 21-Oct-17 10:04:25

I sometimes feel the same.

I have a poor relationship with my mother who had a poor relationship with hers.

Before Facebook all I had were about 3 women who I’d have text exchanges with once a month or so.

I was very isolated.

But I’ve found social media to be a good way of developing new irl friendships.

Most of my friends now I wouldn’t have met without Facebook!

coastalchick Sat 21-Oct-17 13:12:03

it sucks hey?! I'd love to be close to my mum but I'm just not. Sometimes I feel it and then it's like I push her away. And consciously I don't hold her responsible but maybe subconsciously.

I was SO close to my nan (my dad's mum). I absolutely LOVED her and she absolutely loved me. Sadly she died when I was 10 which really hit me hard. I often think about her. She was such a great lady. So kind and generous and absolutely hilarious too. She used to smoke A LOT and I was scared of her dying so hid her cigarettes under her mother in law who was bed bound in nan's house! She went MAD! But it still makes me laugh to this day. I'd give anything for another 24 hours with her

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