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Should I apologise to Ex-MIL?

7 replies

namechange987 · 20/10/2017 22:35

Me and my STBXH separated earlier this year. Since the separation I have had a lot of clarity about a lot of things, including that I wasn't always that kind to my MIL. I never had a big argument with her but I was very anxious with her involvement with my children at times based on assumptions that I made and, although she did a few things which annoyed me; other times she couldn't do right for doing wrong. I want her to continue having a relationship with my DCs and, despite my XH cheating on me and being a massive arse, she has said that I will always be a part of her family. He haven't had that much contact since the separation, we don't have much in common, but should I apologise for not being very nice/welcoming at times? Or should I just leave it?

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Shankarankalina · 20/10/2017 22:41

You could reach out tentatively to say she will always be the children's grandmother and that, in time, you hope to build a new and different relationship with her. It's extending the hand without committing too much.

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BenLui · 20/10/2017 22:44

Maybe not apologise, but invite her for a meal or to spend the day with you and the children. It sounds like she would welcome the approach.

A fresh start with a new perspective is never a bad thing.

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beingsunny · 20/10/2017 22:49

If it feels right I would, what’s the worst that could happen, it would make her feel better about you and divorce can be hard for the wider family too.
Think of it as an olive branch

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namechange987 · 20/10/2017 22:53

Yes, I think I will. I have mentioned that it would be nice to meet her some time with the DCs. That was after DD1 was rushed to hospital and she turned up as we arrived in the ambulance and her Dad never came. It made me realise that she loves her DCs, and her son/their Dad is a completely separate relationship.

I'm a bit anxious about spending time with her though as I don't want to hear about him or his life now. I don't think she would do that maliciously but odd things might get mentioned.

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namechange987 · 20/10/2017 22:55

I think if I were to apologise it would make things better for a future relationship with her, which in turn would make things better/easier for a relationship with my DCs and their grandmother.

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HeddaGarbled · 20/10/2017 23:05

TBH, I don't think now is the right time for the apology. She'll suspect your motive because the separation from her son is so recent. If I were her, I'd suspect you of trying to pal up with her as a way of getting back at her son. Maybe in a few years time, if you've managed to build a better relationship with her, would be the time to apologise.

Presumably she is seeing the children during their dad's contact time? Do you think that she would like to see them more often? That is something that you could do to keep the relationship open. Invite her to school plays, birthdays, sports events etc. Actions speak louder than words.

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namechange987 · 20/10/2017 23:08

Thanks Hedda.

Both DCs are small so not yet at school. But I think I would like to help build her relationship with DCs outside of their Dads time. Maybe I will just follow through with my suggestion of meeting her for coffee with the DCs. A small olive branch to begin with and then more from there.