Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Infidelity and your responses to it

(4 Posts)
catsnickedallmypens Fri 20-Oct-17 22:03:26

I was having lunch with some friends the other day and we were talking about infidelity within long-term monogamous relationships. Specifically about different people's responses to discovering that their partner has been seeing someone else.

One friend of mine went ballistic, scratched the words LIAR onto the bonnet of his car in front of all his neighbours. She proceeded to make his life as miserable as possible by slagging him off online.

Another woman i know is in a long term relationship and her husband was playing the field for years. Eventually she decided that her friendship and companionship with her husband were more important than sexual fidelity and he continues to shag around and have extra-marital affairs with her blessing. As long as he stays. They no longer have a sexual relationship but remain a committed relationship in all other respects.

Someone else I know found out their partner was cheating and used it as a much longed for 'get out of jail' card and ended the relationship.

Another old friend refused to accept all of her friends hints that her partner was having an affair and although anyone around them could see it as plain as day she totally refused to believe it until her ex left her for the other woman. Then she felt humiliated because everyone else had known but her.

I think it's interesting that people have so many different responses. Obviously the length of the relationship matters, 2 months in you should LTB. 20 years in, mmmm, it's more complicated. And having children adds a further complication.

In soaps it usually goes something like my friend who vandalised her boyfriend's car, all big drama and revenge, but real life suggests finding out your DP has been unfaithful can be a complex dilemma.

What are your experiences and responses?

Sorry that was long!!

LemonShark Fri 20-Oct-17 22:09:47

What are your experiences of infidelity in your own personal life?

catsnickedallmypens Fri 20-Oct-17 22:35:25

When I was young I put up with all kinds of nonsense and excuses because I was naive and insecure. However I was quite self-protective and around about 30 I realised that buying into situations that ultimately damaged my self-esteem were fruitless. I have spent long periods of my adult life single in between relationships and am now in a secure and committed relationship.

I also have children now which I didn't in previous relationships so ending my relationship now, if my DP were to be unfaithful, would be quite different to when I was childless.

However I suppose there's 2 things that led me to starting this thread. 1) I've always been puzzled by people who move from one relationship to the next. Almost the need to be in a relationship is more important than the quality of the relationship.

2) What is it that we actually want and need from an emotionally and sexually intimate relationship? Is it the same for us all? I don't think it is.

crispandcheesesandwichplease Fri 20-Oct-17 23:25:51

I think when you're young it's all quite straightforward and idealistic. Which of course leads to disappointment! That doesn't mean that you lower your expectations or standards but that you gain experience and become wiser as to both other people and what you as an individual wants.

As much as I'm one for leaving with dignity intact I wish I'd had the nerve to scratch liar on an ex boyfriend's car! We're so bloody well behaved us females.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: