Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Love/Hate relationship with my DH(18 Posts)
It's my first time to post on a thread.
Does anyone else have a love hate relationship with their husband?
Firstly, I love my husband- possibly too much and that why I feel so annoyed and fed up of him sometimes.
I go from being madly in love, feeling like the luckiest woman in the world to feeling like I hate him and want to leave. We have a lovely life, 2 gorgeous girls, a happy home, very good sex life, he's a great father (Although I don't like his tone with the girls sometimes), he has a great career. But he's lazy at home. It's my own fault because I've allowed it and let him since before we had kids. My mother warned me when I moved in with him to 'start as you mean to go on' and I did but that's when I was dillusional and wanted to be the 'perfect' wife.
So an example of the way my feelings change, last weekend for example, we had a lovely weekend at home with the girls, went to a party sat night, everything was perfect, I could have crawled into him I loved him so much. But then on Monday I looked back over the weekend and realized he didn't do a tap of housework all weekend. He has never used the washing machine, wouldn't think to take clothes out of the machine when it's finished, doesn't cook, never cleans a toilet, windows etc, nothing. His contribution to the house is hoovering but when he does it he literally pushes whatever's on the floor around with the Hoover- which drives me crazy and then he's annoyed im moaning.
So from Monday I've hated him and feel huge resentment towards him. He made a comment to me about childcare fees and the fact I'm working part time doesn't make sense to pay the childcare- basically because I've gone back to work the outgoing of travel and Creche is half of my wage, which I'm happy with, I'm happy to be working. So I blew a fuse, left the room and literally went to bed. I sent him a msg because I've tried so many times to talk to him about the things that annoy me and he either talks over me or makes me feel like I'm the wrong one. He replied and said he wasn't reading it and if I wanted to speak to him to do so. So I said no and when he was ready to talk to me come to me. I didn't speak Tuesday, Wednesday he sent me a message 'miss you' in work, I sent back a smart msg, didn't speak that night or yesterday only for I broke the ice later in the night, today he seems like everything is fine but I'm not happy, I feel taken for granted and I feel disrespected that he can't man up and come talk to me. I also feel really immature, he is so arrogant and literally doesn't see anything wrong with his laziness or the way he speaks to me, he's always right in every conversation. I feel like I love him so much and I love our life together but I don't think I can do this forever, I've time I get annoyed over it I resent him more and it bothers me he doesn't get or want to work on it.
My rant ended up longer than I intended!
But he's lazy at home. It's my own fault because I've allowed it and let him since before we had kids
Nope. It's your fault that he's lazy - it's his fault. These are adult responsibilities that he's just shirking.
Why is travel and crèche half your wage and not joint costs? Surely that's not what you meant?
So he's a 'wonderful' husband who talks over you, makes you feel like you're in the wrong and doesn't read a note you've sent him?
You're right - he's arrogant, lazy and immature and he has no respect for you.
It's your fault that he's lazy - it's his fault
That should say it's NOT your fault he's lazy.
So our mortgage bills food everything is paid by him because we moved a few years ago and I stayed home with the girls, he is in no way financially mean with me, and his argument is when you take out the cost of travel to work and childcare for when I'm working, half of the money that I make is used- he means it in a way that it's not worth my while, but for me it is, I spent 3 years being a stay at home Mam, which I loved but I want to work now.
I know he's lazy- I also think he got accustomed to me doing everything before I went back to work, but before we relocated and I worked full time it was the exact same story.
I don't know how to fix it without arguments, I don't want the row
Does your mood seem very dependent on how he is behaving towards you? Your comments seemed almost over the top about how happy you should be because of how great everything is, but then you seem very low when he doesn’t pull his weight, and it doesn’t get resolved between you.
I’m not quite sure what to suggest, but it seems quite similar to my relationship with Ex Husband when we were still together, before I realised quite how abusive he was.
Note, I’m not saying he is being abusive, as we don’t really know much from your OP, but something about what you describe, and how your feelings swing from one extreme to another, just doesn’t feel right.
What are you like away from the relationship, and the family? Ie when you catch up with old friends, or when you are at work?
The dynamics you describe just don’t feel right.
It sounds to me as though you love him lots and lots because you’re a loving person rather than because he does anything to merit it.
Are you someone who really wants to be very much in love - want this as your life narrative - and then you don’t really know how to deal with the stuff that doesn’t fit? The anger, the resentment, the disappointment as to how he behaves?
Because he’s behaving pretty shittily and that’s not going to change without arguments, if at all.
I think your biggest issue is communication. Not talking for days is incredibly destructive and childish, and will spell doom for your marriage, guaranteed. I highly suggest couple's counseling.
I get where you're coming from. When you're in a relationship where your partner/husband earns the money, pays the bills, dictates to a degree how you life your life, it makes you resentful. Possibly the best thing for you to do is go back to work full-time, earn your own money, pay half the bills and employ a cleaner.
Er, why the fuck are you paying childcare fees out of your salary?! That’s a joint expense!
Inclined to agree with wonderingstar. Sometimes it is what it is and you've not got the energy for rows, and the grind of trying to get a grown man to change his ways.
If you were working full-time away from the home with cleaner in say twice a week, it may be enough to make you feel better. Yes of course he should be pulling his weight but he's not, even if you or others say he should, he may still not do it. Even after months of going on at him. Wrong, I know. But you could look at an end result that will make you feel better.
That's exactly what I was thinking is the only solution because really I do love him, I love being with him and I love our life together. We are only 32, we met at 20 and have done everything together,and other than this one big issue there's nothing else wrong in our relabtionship, also the not talking is so very rare, an argument is also very rare, it literally builds up and then I have had enough and feel so annoyed and resentful. He never gets annoyed with me without me starting it- I know this myself, if I didn't get in a mood there'd never be an issue, but that also means if I just put up with looking at him being lazy there'd be no issue.
Outside of our relationship I am always in good form, I've no issues with depression. I have lots of friends, and lots of great friends. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I genuinely feel so much better hearing other opinions. I never would speak to friends or family because I don't want my relationship judged, and because to most people I know they would think I'm being silly arguing over this because everything thing else is so good. Literally the way I feel if I could just fix his laziness we would be perfect. The talking over me that I mentioned is defense he puts up on this one topic and I think it's his way of shutting down the conversation to avoid changing his ways. He doesn't shout at me, he just makes me give up.
What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met here?. A cleaner is not the answer to his inherent laziness and not wanting to do the housework (its not important enough to him). This man sees the housework as your responsibility alone; a cleaner will further abdicate his responsibility for doing any housework and you will likely pay for that service as well. He really does have no respect for you as a person whatsoever; you are a cross between a domestic appliance and a pet.
I would read this article:
He also seems to have no concept of "family money". Why is travel and crèche half your wage costs and not family money. This man I think regards his earnings as that; his.
Have a look at his parents relationship OP; what did he learn about relationships from them?.
Is this what you want to teach your girls about relationships; to accept this poor treatment from their husband as well?. You're showing them that currently at least, this is acceptable to you. Your words strike me as a loving and kind natured person desperately trying to fix and or otherwise paper over the cracks in your relationship; cracks that he has himself caused by his actions. He is the one that is arrogant, lazy and immature here and such men who are entitled to boot do not change. What he does works for him because you cannot bring yourself to row with him and his actions makes you give up. Talking over you as well is also very bad. it invalidates you.
There isn’t just one issue here though. There are several major interconnected issues. One is his complete failure to lift a finger, another is his personality - lazy, arrogant, controlling, entitled and disrespectful. He has no respect for you or your POV so that if you try and address anything with him he shouts you down, blames you or ignores it. It’s a control mechanism that means he has you where he wants you and never has to change.
As long as you accept his rule, don’t argue and do exactly what he wants, all is ok. But there’s part of you that rebels against is control and actually hates him.
This is not some small issue that can be put in a box, they are major, major issues that affect you 24/7.
If you do not address his behaviour and the anger it causes, it will fester until eventually you hate him more than you love him. And then it will be over. You’re absolutely right that you can’t do this for ever.
I don’t think you should do joint therapy with this man, he will dominate and manipulate the therapy sessions the way he does domestic discourse. I think you should do therapy in your own.
if I didn't get in a mood there'd never be an issue
Or rather if he didn’t behave so badly there’d never been an issue.
OP, there's no such thing as a perfect relationship nor is there a perfect equation for one even though some posters will try to convince you there should be. You both will have personality traits that means you have to compromise in some way but that doesn't mean you shouldn't put the effort in to put yourself on a more equal footing. Only then you can you discuss and set down some roles and responsibilities in the relationship. That isn't to say he would be any better, or act in a different way it's just that you can take back some control.
How do you know that part of it is that you first have an emotion (be it love or hate) and they you rationalise how you feel by finding evidence that conforms to your mood?
A household in which two parents are not speaking to each other for nearly a week is not a "happy home". It's a toxic environment and if it's regular occurrence it will very damaging for your children.
Join the discussion
Please login first.