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Would this be rude?

(59 Posts)
AutumnLeavesandCandleLights Fri 20-Oct-17 13:57:05

I've reached a point in my relationship where I need to sit DP down and discuss a fair few issues and feelings that I've been having lately.

Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how much I 'rehearse' what I want to say, I always, without fail, either go off track or forget/miss a major point then end up severely regretting how the conversation went.

So, I'm planning on writing everything down so that I include all of what needs to be said and addressed, but would it be rude to write it in such a way that I can literally just read it all of to him like a letter or a page from a book?

In the past, I've tried making bullet points for 'prompts' and reminders but I never end up delivering them the way I intended.

I basically want this chat to go as smoothly, comfortably and kindly as possible and feel like writing it all out eloquently and descriptively is my best option right now.

But it is rude to discuss matters in such a way?

Thanks everyone!

Eminado Fri 20-Oct-17 14:03:13

I dont see jt’s rude if you explain why you are using this method (to stay on track and make sure you put your points across kindly and accurately). And give him the chance to relply at the end or later.

happygirly1 Fri 20-Oct-17 14:10:29

If you need to make you say everything that needs to be said and he processes everything properly, why don't you write him a letter and email it to him?

Ask him to read before he comes home, process it all and then you two have a chat to discuss it in the evening when you've got plenty of time.

This will give him a chance to process it all properly and discuss when he has been able to try and see it from your POV, as most people will have a tendency to react defensively in the heat of the moment (especially if you'll be bringing up a full list!).

Good luck.

WipsGlitter Fri 20-Oct-17 14:15:54

Regardless of method what are you hoping to achieve? Behaviour change or something else?

AutumnLeavesandCandleLights Fri 20-Oct-17 14:16:26

@happygirly1 I'd love to do that and that has worked with previous partners, but one of the issues, funnily enough, is that he doesn't say anything during 'serious' conversations - he won't even look at me. He's a master of stonewalling and it's killing our relationship.

If I write anything down and send it to him to read on the train home from work, he just doesn't address it once he's home. He pretends everything is fine. It's sad really.

cakecakecheese Fri 20-Oct-17 14:28:29

I get that you want to bring things up that upset you but I've been on the receiving end of a verbal list of complaints and it was properly horrid. I wouldn't have enjoyed reading it either. Can you not address each issue as it arises? Or try a compliment sandwich where you say something nice, say what you don't like then say something else that's nice?

AutumnLeavesandCandleLights Fri 20-Oct-17 14:33:38

@cakecakecheese it's things he's brought on himself through downright shitty behaviour and lack of apologies for anything he does so unfortunately he has to hear it. I'll obviously read it out to him, I'm not going to hand him a piece of paper and tell him to get on with it, but I'm also not going to throw in compliments for the sake of it sad

AutumnLeavesandCandleLights Fri 20-Oct-17 14:34:34

@WipsGlitter a better life and a better, more solid, relationship with actual communication (on his part)

MyBrilliantDisguise Fri 20-Oct-17 14:36:18

You're not going to get what you want, OP. It hasn't worked before and it's not going to work now.

What would life without him look like?

cakecakecheese Fri 20-Oct-17 14:39:07

Oh ok fair enough it was difficult to tell by your original post. Yes he definitely needs to listen to you, do you think he will though? Surely he's aware of how his behaviour upsets you?

WipsGlitter Fri 20-Oct-17 14:42:52

Is that likely though?

Changedname3456 Fri 20-Oct-17 14:44:52

Is this some sort of last chance for him because if you’ve addressed (or tried to) these issues before and he’s ignored it and not changed then why waste your time tonight?

Surely it’s better just to tell him it’s not working for you and then discuss the mechanics of splitting up.

AutumnLeavesandCandleLights Fri 20-Oct-17 14:50:18

@MyBrilliantDisguise well we have a 10 month old son and I'm 28 weeks pregnant so life without him would be pretty miserable, it's not a ray of sunshine right now but it'd be a lot worse with him gone.

I want to do everything I can to make our family work, for our sake and for our children's. this is somewhat my last port of call before I suggest counselling.

AutumnLeavesandCandleLights Fri 20-Oct-17 14:52:25

@Changedname3456 it's my final straw before recommending we try counselling. We have a lot at stake so I'm not willing to throw in the towel before trying absolutely everything. If our family breaks up and we haven't sought out every possible avenue to fix things I'll never forgive myself.

AutumnLeavesandCandleLights Fri 20-Oct-17 14:55:37

@cakecakecheese I think he is aware of how his behaviour affects me, he's a smart man and prides himself on his intelligence so it'd be ironic if he was oblivious to what's going on right in front of him.

I genuinely don't believe he does the things he does through spite or bad intent, I feel he just doesn't realise until after something has happened that he's fucked up and then struggles to admit it and apologise.

Hopefully if I manage to fully get my points across this weekend and express exactly how I'm feeling, he might actually take it on board. We'll see.

Dancinggoat Fri 20-Oct-17 15:01:55

I think you need to address one issue and that’s the communication.
If you sort that you may have a chance to sort the other stuff after.
There might be a lot wrong but I still feel a list of errors will just antagonise.
For instance does he stonewall for a reason. Does he feel his point of view is not considered , does he find talking about feelings hard , do words not come easily when stressed , is this his go too default system. Has he really talked to you about why he does this.
Life is incredibly stressful having a little one and being pregnant so soon. It must be hard for both of you. A lot of emotions are rushing about.
Write to him about the silent treatment and end letter by either asking him to write to you about what he feels about it or arrange a time that night to talk. He may find it easier to write it down and talk after.

NC4now Fri 20-Oct-17 15:03:14

TBH I’d just cut to the chase and suggest counselling. I think this ‘chat’ will do more harm than good.

LemonShark Fri 20-Oct-17 15:07:53

If things are this bad that you're having to find ways around his refusal to engage with you in solving the problems in your relationship, I would honestly recommend just skipping straight to counselling. Given the stonewalling, do you think he'd even be open to counselling/give it his best shot?

category12 Fri 20-Oct-17 15:30:03

Cut to the chase and counselling now instead (as long as the stonewalling isn't alongside abusive behaviours). Sounds like communication is terrible and a counsellor is best placed to mediate that.

AutumnLeavesandCandleLights Fri 20-Oct-17 15:48:21

Communication is shocking in our house and he's stonewalled me right from the very start of our relationship. He never looks at me when I'm talking, never apologises for anything, just pretends he's anywhere other than in the moment 'discussing' things with me.
I know it isn't anything I'm doing or saying that's causing him to stonewall as, like I just said, he's been this way for as long as I've known him and apparently it's quite common in his family to respond to issues by well, not dealing with them.

I always thought the longer we were together, the easier his communication would become and he'd open up to me more freely but if anything it's getting worse.

I do want to try counselling but I am dubious whether he'd be keen. I'd like to think for the sake of our children he'd at least give it a shot.

WipsGlitter Fri 20-Oct-17 17:00:20

What are the issues big things or little things?

AnyFucker Fri 20-Oct-17 17:06:25

What is he actually doing to make your relationship work ?

It takes two, remember.

AutumnLeavesandCandleLights Fri 20-Oct-17 17:17:55

@WipsGlitter a generous mixture of both, to be honest. The little and the large issues all need to be spoken about and if I don't approach the situation in the correct way I'll just be dismissed from the off.

I am however, growing tempted to scrap the whole 'write all my feelings down' thing and just blurt out tomorrow evening that we really need an outsiders intervention to help save us.

AutumnLeavesandCandleLights Fri 20-Oct-17 17:21:38

@AnyFucker essentially nothing. He'd rather pretend everything is okay 24/7 than address problems and issues, so it always falls on me to bring things up then I end up feeling like the bad guy for ever getting hurt or upset by anything in the first place.
I sometimes wonder if I too so should just play pretend, but that's obviously no way to live.

AnyFucker Fri 20-Oct-17 17:23:44

If he won't engage then what chance is there to improve things ?

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