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MeToo and facing up to history of assault

(3 Posts)
TammySwansonTwo Thu 19-Oct-17 14:17:04

From what I've been seeing I think a lot of people are feeling similarly to me right now. The constant presence of the Weinstein stuff and the subsequent metoo hashtag has really pushed me into a dark place.

Trigger warning, rape and assault

I was abused as a child. My husband knows this. I had counselling for it and had dealt with it reasonably well. What I've never dealt with is the other rape and assaults I've experienced. Never told anyone, didn't acknowledge it for a long time. I've been falling deeper into a hole the last few days and something sexual (completely consensual) with my husband combined with all this being in my head triggered a complete breakdown last night. I had to tell him things I really didn't want to talk about. He had questions I didn't want to answer but eventually did. Now it feels like I've opened a box I can't close.

Is anyone else feeling like this? How are you coping? I just feel so fucking angry with the world right now. I sick of looking at social media and seeing men seeking reassurance that they're not one of the bad guys. I'm sure the men who raped and assaulted me are doing the same - given the fact that every single one of them contacted me afterwards trying to get more sex I am absolutely sure they don't think of themselves as rapists and abusers.

I really don't want this to take up another second of thinking time in my life - they've already taken enough from me. I just want to shut it down but this stuff is literally everywhere right now and I'm finding it so difficult.

JayoftheRed Thu 19-Oct-17 14:28:28

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say how truly sorry I am that these horrible things happened to you. flowers for you.

TammySwansonTwo Thu 19-Oct-17 14:37:07

Thank you. I really appreciate that.

I think the hard part is realising how common this really is, and I'm angry that people aren't more angry about it. I'm angry that people are saying they're shocked. How can you be shocked? I'm angry at how many women are coming forward and how many men are saying they'd never do such things - the maths doesn't work, does it? I'm angry at the number of men who see how much they can get away with because they want to.

I'm very glad I'm married to a man who respects me and he's not shocked either. Just sad. I don't want him to think of me differently or treat me like I'm broken. I don't know. I just find it really difficult.

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